I have officially finished applying to college. I'm done. It's all out of my hands at this point. All I can do is sit back and let a committee decide whether or not I'm worthy to attend college. My future is in their respective hands. Hmm. My future. I'm looking forward to it. Honestly. Next year is going to be full of experiences, and I'm ready for them. I hope.

I have too much free time to think about things lately. I analyze them so much in my brain that I don't feel like posting them on here because I've already thought them through a lot. Whatever.

Wow. It needs to stop being warm. It's making me mad. I really really really love the warmth, but it's giving me spring fever. I want it to be spring. But it's not. Mother nature is just tricking me into thinking that it is spring. But no! It is December! It is not spring! It hasn't even snowed yet this winter. I still have a long winter to go through. But, man, do I love spring. I really do. Like a lot. So mother nature is angering me. Don't tease me like this!

I am tired of being analytical. I don't like being deep all the time. It's weighing me down.

I don't make sense.

I need school to fill my brain.

don't think twice, it's alright.

I've been watching too many DVDs lately. It's all because of my new TV. I just watch DVDs. I'm running out of movies to watch! I need more movies!!! It's a new addiction. But sometimes I just want to watch random TV. Which is why I need cable on my TV. Or, if you think about it, why I don't need cable in my room. Despite my laziness, I think I've been pretty productive so far this Christmas break. Like today, for example, I went walking with Kate and then I went to the recycling center and then to Lowes to get some mac and cheese so I can make dinner for the family tonight. Then I went to the bank and deposited my checks in my savings account. Crazy.

Even though I haven't really wasted my time, I still feel like a slacker. I can't seem to bring myself to do my Lord of the Flies sheet. I really need to do it. And I need to read The Things They Carried. And I want to read the new Michael Crichton book- State of Fear. I love reading books for fun, but I think I need to do one of those assignments for english before I read it, or I'll feel guilty the whole time. I'll start something tomorrow because I need to finish the Yale app tonight. It's due on Friday. Aaaah. I'm not really stressed out, though, because I don't have school every day and I could devote a lot of time to it when I feel like it. So it'll be fine.

Ok, I'll write later. I think I have writer's block.

Okay. The problem with ambiguous posts is that I come off sounding like a jerk and I can't really get the right point across. So ignore the last post if you want. Because it was just my insecure self being weird again. Oh, me. I'm so silly.

Remember me saying that I got addicted to live music? Well, if I didn't tell you, then yeah. I'm addicted to live music. And I believe I choose the right people to hang out with to satisfy my cravings. I mean, I could theoretically watch a live show at any time I wanted, to some extent. Thanks to Tillman. Seriously. This Christmas break has been full of mini concerts. I've been to two Slushie practices, Tillman's played acoustically at his house and mine like three times, and then Tillman played at the Good Life the other night (christmas eve eve). It's freaking awesome. Seriously. If you love songs that are pretty but they're not necessarily about you, imagine what listening to a song that you really like and that was written about you and makes you extremely happy is like. It's great.

Hmm. Life.

give me ambiguity or give me... something else.

It's funny- seeing things from the other side. On the one hand, I'm excited that I can no longer be defined in a certain category. On the other, I'm somewhat sad that I am no longer a part of that category. I mean, I can definitely still relate. But now I can see the other side. And now I can see how useless it is for these people in that old group to worry. I mean, it really sucks to sit around and be depressed abou their current state all the time. But, what else is there to do? Really. Society has set the whole situation up to where it sucks for everyone who isn't a part of the "positive" category. I still don't really see myself as in the normal positive category, though. I think there are many different variations of the category. I think there are people who do something just to say they're doing it. Like, they force themself into the category simply for the purpose of being known as one in that category. The people who are in the "negative" category probably don't even know what they want. They trivialize it to the point where they only like the idea of the category, forgetting that there is such a personal attatchment to this category. They make it about the category and not about their feelings, kind of. Then there are those who are fine with their current state, whether "negative" or "positive." I think that is the best state of mind one can be in when it comes to these categories. That way, they can stay true to themselves, I think. When they get over society's categorizations, it becomes about who they truly are rather than who they're trying to impress or what rules they think they need to follow. But, yeah. So I'm sad that the people in the "negative" category will now shun me as changing over to the "positive" side. They will congratulate me, but I know that they resent me deep inside. And I want them to realize that it's silly. And that I can still totally relate to them. But don't get me wrong, I really like being on the "positive" side. But that doesn't make me hate my "negative" days at all. They are still just as great. Just in a different way.

Man, it's hard to talk about a subject and try to keep it so ambiguous. I just don't feel like being outright today, I guess. So this might not make any sense at all unless you know what I'm talking about. I bet I'll look back later and forget what I was talking about. It's so like me to do something like that. If you know what I'm talking about, then you probably think I'm a silly idiot or something. If you don't know, then you're probably just confused. Sorry about that.

So, Christmas. I love it sooo much. I got a TV. For my room. With a DVD player. Hooolllly Cow. Talk about the most surprising and unexpected gift ever! I mean, wow. Speechless. I like this whole not-asking-for-anything-for-christmas deal. It's a lot of fun. I also got the Napoleon Dynamite DVD. Sweet! It's awesome.. It's... Incredible. Haha. My family really likes it. Especially my mom, which cracks me up. So, yeah.

"nobody even reads your blog anyway." -jill, just now.

dear readers:

you are cool. keep being as cool as you are, and keep on keepin it real. i hope you and your families and friends have the merriest of christmases this year. God bless, and I love you all.

love,
emma.

I got the job!

I love you, blog. You're a good friend.

I like looking back and remembering my various emotional states. Even though I know you guys don't like to hear about everything I do all the time, I still like blogging about things I do. So that I can remember them later. So here's a few tidbits of my life.

Christmas break is going good. It's been jam packed with fun times so far. I went to Hickory on Friday/Saturday to visit with Shmimmy. It was fun times. All we do is randomly drive around and eat and be dirty. It's so much fun, though. I can't wait for camp this summer. It's going to be really fun. If I get the job, haha. So yeah. Shmimmy time was quality time. And I got to see Megan! I miss her and GSW. So, yeah. We watched Dodgeball, and it was good. We also watched an indie flick- Camp. It was so creepy and weird and contained horrible acting skills. At least we could laugh at it, haha. So, don't spend money on Camp. But see it if it's lying around or something if you want a good laugh.

Then when I came home, I was tired and kind of sick and really cranky. So I decided to stay in. Good call on my part, I must say. My parents and Kate were going to Ruby Tuesday, and I didn't want a sucky dinner, so I accompanied them. I'm glad that I didn't try to go somewhere else with other people, because they would probably not want to be my friend again after seeing my brattiness.

Sunday was good, but I was dressed up all day. Because there was church, and then there was Charlotte's voice recital, and then there was church again. Church was church. Charlotte's voice recital was cool. She has a really good voice! I rarely hear her sing, so it was fun. I was really pumped that she didn't sound nervous. Like I was nervous for her, but she delivered. Haha. Then I went to see Spanglish con Tillman. It was good. I liked it. I'm happy that I liked it. Then we went back to his house to watch some Mitch Hedberg clips, and it was fun. Upon introduction, Tillman's grandma simply replied with: "She's a tall one." I didn't know quite how to respond, so I just smiled. Oh, Granny. Then I had to go to church for White Christmas. It was fun times. Dad and I were experimenting with harmonies. Christmas is good for harmonizing. Also, we got to play with candles. I focused my energy on harmonizing so that I wouldn't focus it on being a pyromaniac. I have a tendency to do that. Hehehe.

And today I went Ice Skating with Audra, Ashley, Emma, Anna and Perry. It was really fun. I love skating and zambonis. Audra and I were jamming to random rap songs there and back, and I was knitting on the way there. And I liked looking at the radar detector. Haha. So it was fun.

And I just made the best mixed CD from my collection ever. It is really really awesome. I'm pumped about it.

So, there you go. Will comes home tonight. Now the real Christmas fun can commence. woot!

better late than never

It seems like I'm always late to places lately. I don't give myself enough time to drive or something. I find myself always being two or three or four minutes late, and it's become a habit. I am consistently late. Kind of ironic, but not really. I think it is all spawned from the fact that I wake up to a digital clock. It skews my judgement of time. I see that it says 6:38, and I round up to 6:40, which then rounds up to 6:45 in my brain, so I give myself less time than there really is. When, on an analog clock, I see that the hand is still towards the bottom, and I can judge my time according to how much the hands have to travel and stuff. It's hard to explain without visual aid. But I'm seriously considering switching to waking up to an analog clock. The only drawback is that they don't usually make analog clock-radios. I really like falling asleep/waking up to music. My ideal waking up mechanism would be an analog clock with a cd player, so I could make a CD for waking up and a CD for falling asleep. So it would have to hold two CDs. Or there would have to be some way that I could program it to wake up on tracks one through, say, seven. And then fall asleep to tracks eight through fourteen. Something like that would be ideal.

So, yeah. back to the fact that I'm always late. I think I just don't want to be early, but then I wait just a couple minutes too long and then I find something I randomly have to do before I leave. Or I am already driving and then remember something I have to go back and get. Or, the ever popular one, I go somewhere and forget to get Jill and Charlotte's bookbags out of my car. I really hate that one. Because it always happens. And it always makes me mad. So, whatever. I'm going to try to gauge my time more wisely. I apologize if you have been the victim of my recent lateness.

nevermind

So I went to take the Bio exam today, but Bodnar forgot I was taking it early and wasn't done typing it up, so I stayed and talked to him for a little while and decided that I don't want to take it because There is a high probability it won't do any good, and I will have a 3.99 unweighted GPA even with the 94 I'm getting in his class, which doesn't sound at all as bad as I thought it would. So I got over it and decided I don't want to take it and then I went and signed up for AP Environmental web class. I'm looking forward to that. Now I can take some sort of Independant study with Mrs. Morrison so I can try out for district on Oboe. I miss playing oboe a lot. Watching the band concert yesterday made me think how much I miss it. I don't miss actual band or the people in band, I miss playing in a band in general. And I really hope I can get my chops back for district, which is on January 8 (!). I think I'll be able to do it if I set my mind to it. Either way, fourth period next semester is going to be fun. I don't think it's actually going to count as a credit, so I won't have to do work and stuff. Hopefully. And I'll get to help the little APMT kids. Hehe. That will be really fun.

blue sky writer

The sky has been really pretty lately. I see it and then I just want to lie down in a field and stare up at it forever. I want to have no cares and just sit and think about life and love and happiness while looking at the beautiful sky. I'm in such a prarie-girl mood or something. More like a hippie mood. I'm growing fond of my hairy legs. I really really like to knit. My wardrobe is becoming more consistently hippie. I am starting to hate commercialism- I want to give people presents from my heart and not my wallet. I want to know people for who they are. I want to stop living from assignment to assignment, and read more books. I want to enjoy the time I have right now, not looking too much to the future or too much to the past. I'm searching for depth in all of my interactions. I'm feeling very optimistic or something. I feel like I've become very sage-like lately. I give good advice or something, to myself and to others. More like I don't give good advice to myself, but I soak up advice from what I see or read around me. I think I'm settling into who I really am. I like it. I feel like I'm getting more out of school and learning- like I'm bonding with my schoolwork rather than just getting it done. Hmm. I can't really describe exactly how I am feeling. It's not content, because I am yearning for more than complacency. It's kind of satisfied, but in that not really satisfied way. I'm satisfied that I'm not letting myself be satisfied. It's hard to articulate. But I'm happy- and that's always easy to understand.

the sky was really pretty today.

GPA is your worst nightmare.

I'm really tired of grades. They are so subjective and random and annoying and uggh. For example, this whole Biology incident. This ridiculously low grade does not reflect my true caliber as an AP Bio student. So I forgot my homework- it happens to the best of us. The usual punishment is a letter grade deduction for every day it's late. But not for Bodnar. What exactly is he trying to prove to me? It's not like I was slacking, or that I deserve this really bad grade. The worst thing is that Bodnar admits this. He knows I wasn't slacking, and when I asked him if the grade I will end up with for the six-weeks is a true representation of my level of student, he couldn't answer. Because he knew it wasn't. Mom was like- "He caught you! He got you in a low moment." to which I responded: "As if it were a game in which I needed to be caught?" All I keep thinking is that if my class rank status is messed up because of this simple 35, I will quit life. The entire high school career that I have spent at the top of my class will be rendered pointless because of this one homework grade. That's really what I'm thinking. I'm not that much of an overachiever, I have just worked myself into this corner. It's not about getting into college, it's not about beating anybody else in my class, it's not about proving myself to anybody but myself. It's like running a marathon and it looks like your going to win and then in the last 100 feet or something, somebody trips you.

And most of this discussion is silly, because I'm going to take the exam and bring up my grade and I'll probably stay number one even with this not 6.0. And back to Bodnar, he doesn't understand my complaint. His reasoning: "Well, it's still over a 4.0." He doesn't understand it. But that's ok. I'm actually not that mad about it. I'm just mad at my forgetful self. But it's not tearing me up as much as it did back in Computer App when I almost got a 95. My whole life felt bad. Now I'm just kind of disappointed or something. Because everything else is fine. Even Biology is still fine. Like I did really well on the test. And Calculus is really fun. And English is fun, even though I don't like the subjectivity of grading in there either. I still like Goldie and the way she runs her class. The subjectivity is ridiculous in Spanish class. I mean ridiculously, like I just don't even try to figure it out anymore. Swimming is good- I qualified for states in the 100 breast. And life is good in every other way, too. And music makes my life so much better all the time. Good music, that is. But I think all music is good music, in its own way. But that's another post topic. So I'm not depressed. Which is a good thing.

I'm just fed up with High School. Ever since Governor's School, I've been resentful that I can't have good discussion classes like that. Which is partly why I like English class- it reminds me a lot of GSW. Maybe. I talk about GSW too much. Haha. I heart my GSW experience. But yeah, I am trying to enjoy these last few moments of High School because I know I will look back on it fondly. I want to look around and enjoy life, but I think I'm doing a good job of it right now, so I'm not worried.

Blogging is fun times.

My driving muscles hurt, because they got an excercise today. I would go into all the crazyness of my driving today, but that would be somewhat like complaining and, in effect, somewhat boring. There were some fun things that happened today.

Campaigners. It was just fun times, like it always is.

Spanish Class:

NotFromOklahoma: If you don't go today you won't get any points ah?

Fun times to the extrema.

Band Practice. Well, not my band practice. Christian's and Preston's and Mikel's and Josh's band practice. Con Tillman. And Maddie was there too. But I had to leave approx. 20 minutes after arriving, and so did Tillman because he was riding with me. So we had fun in the little bit of time we were there. I love randomly hanging out. It's my favorite thing to do... like, ever.

I have a headache. Ouch.

I'm really glad that I chose to take Calculus. Because I think that I was going to drop Calculus, if I thought my work load was going to be too big, and just stick with Biology. Knowing what I know now, I would have dropped Biology. Wholeheartedly.

What exactly do I know now?

• I know that Mrs. Gray is a better teacher than Mr. Bodnar, for one. It's like not even questionable. He is like always absent and doesn't give good notes and takes homework grades on things that nobody did (and I got a 35 on) just to prove something. What is he proving? The people that aren't doing good are going to drop his class anyways- he doesn't need to scare them any more. Does he really think that a 35 is a reflection on the caliber of student I have proven myself to be? It sucks.
• I also have found out that I am much better at Calculus and like the subject matter a whole lot more than in Biology. It's almost insane.
• I know that I won't be majoring in biology in college, so I guess that's a good thing to come out of AP bio.
• I know that I will be taking the exam in biology if I can't talk Bodnar out of counting the 35.

So there you go. Oh, school. You disappoint me.

(p.s.- i have a xanga, too. it's more superficial and random and less thought out than this one, and i like this one infinitely better than that one, but i still got it. for "grins and giggles" as mrs. gray would say.)

no, you will not pull down my pants.

Babysitting is a lot of fun, when it's not total heck. Like when the parents are cool, I feel more relaxed when babysitting their kids. I don't get all uptight or anything, because the parents are so laid back when I see them interact with the kids.

On Thursday, I babysat for the Campbells for like three hours, and it wasn't that bad. The hardest part was getting the kids to go to sleep. When they said they wanted their mommy, I just told them that she would be home after they went to sleep. When that wasn't satisfactory, I let them watch me write a note to their mom that said something like "please go into Will, Elizabeth and Jack's room when you come home. love- will elizabeth and jack." That seemed to calm them down a little bit. There was one point when I was in one room reading a book to Jack and Elizabeth was sobbing in her room, so I went over there to comfort her after I was done reading the book. When I got Elizabeth settled, Jack started crying again. It is impossible to try and reason with these kids. When I told Jack that his mom was coming home, all he would say was "NO SHE WILL NOT" and I would reply "I can assure you, she will. Why wouldn't she?" to which he would respond: "NO SHE WILL NOT!" So when I would get frustrated and tell him "whether or not your mom is coming home, you need to go to sleep. please go to sleep." his reply: "NO I WILL NOT." So I finally just told him that if he wasn't going to sleep, he at least needed to silently lie there with his eyes open. Other funny moments of the night occurred when I attempted to serve them dinner. Oh, man. I cooked up some EasyMac and microwaved some hotdogs, but by the time they sat down to eat, Jack and Elizabeth decided they didn't want any of it. I think they had a few bites, but it was hardly a meal. So I ended up eating most of the leftovers, since I didn't want to throw away all that food. It made my stomach hurt a little bit. Oh yeah, and quizzing Will on spelling was fun, because he couldn't spell "precipitation." So I would randomly, throughout the night, just say "Spell precipitation!" It was fun.

Last night, I showed up at like 5:30 because they were going down to Charlotte for Mrs. Campbell's birthday. The kids were happy to see me- which made me happy because at least I knew they didn't hate me or anything. Then a limo showed up to take the parents away, much to the surprise of everyone except Mr. Campbell. The kids wanted to take a ride around the block, and they wanted me to come too, so we drove around the block. It was funny. The pizza showed up when we came back, so we rushed inside as Mr. and Mrs. Campbell were whisked away to a night on the town. During dinner, the kids started getting resentful. They tried calling the parents to make them come back. They expressed feelings of jealousy that they weren't invited on this trip, and also feelings of depression that their parents were gone for two nights in a row with the same babysitter. Elizabeth assured me that their anger wasn't because of the babysitter in question, but the mere fact that the parents weren't there. I told her that I understood, and that I, too, hate it when my parents leave for two days in a row. Then they snapped out of their depression and started getting wild. Elizabeth poured garlic sauce in the pizza box, and Will started spraying "Oust" everywhere (they pronounced it "oste," like northerners or something). Then Elizabeth decided to pour water on top of the garlic sauce in the pizza box, and the garlic water started dripping on the floor. I quickly removed the pizza from the box before it could become saturated with this stinky water, and moved it into the empty breadsticks box. Then I carried the dripping pizza box into the trashcan and wiped up the mess, all while the kids were running around with their pizza and breadsticks in hand. The rest of the night was fun, because I gave them an agenda and they have really good memories. One funny part was when they discovered that my pants came down easily, and I had to walk around holding up my pants, for fear that they would tear them down. At one point, they were holding on to my legs and I was dragging three little kids around on the floor. I finally got them to stop by telling them I would give them a bad report if they didn't stop. That worked like a charm. They had some trouble actually getting to sleep, because they were watching Power Rangers. I think they finally closed their eyes for good like 2 hours later than they were supposed to- but who cares, because it's the weekend.

After they went to sleep, I watched "Casa de los Babys," because I was in the mood for an indie film. It was good, but a little slow. Perhaps it seemed slow because I was tired and the TV was really small. But that doesn't make any sense. But it was still good. I like indie movies. I can't wait to see Garden State when it comes out on Dec. 28, because I really wanted to see it but never got the chance. Right. So anyways, the parents told me they would probably be home at midnight, and I didn't want to be asleep when they got home, so I tried to stay awake. I also tried to read Lord of the Flies, but I wasn't really getting anywhere with that. So I devised a plan that would make me look responsible. I would lie on the couch and with the book in my hand, with my eyes closed. That way it would look like I was just dozing off while reading, instead of conking out while watching TV. It was all obsolete anyways, because the dog woke me up right before the parents walked in at 1:30. But because they were so late and also in a good mood, I got mucho dinero. Yay Christmas shopping funds!

Wow. Long blog. Fun times.

I'm a VIP at Ziggy's tonight, holla! I don't even really know what that means, but it's really cool. I mean, it's just Jerry, but I guess that's how the VIP status works out- you know the guy before you know his music or something like that. Maybe all VIPs are like: "oh, it's just my friend so-and-so." Whatever, I'm pumped. And I'm also pumped because I'm going to Chili's with the girls tonight. I love my girls and I love Chili's. Woot!

and i said something to the effect that i don't like having so much extra time to think, i'd rather devote my deep intellectual thoughts to something other than my life. and i also said that today's college choice, if i get in to all four colleges i applied to, is stanford. definitely.

estas pretzels me estan dando sed

ummm, I wrote a whole post today but blogger lost it. that angers me.

I am so non-confrontational. I like to sometimes entertain the thought that I am confrontational, but I always know that I'm just fooling myself. I'll find myself thinking: "next time I talk to _____, I'm going to tell them exactly how I feel, I don't care how mad they get." But then I never have the guts to follow through. Story of my life. Like today, for example, at the bank. I was in the lane where you get to send the shuttle thing or whatever through the tube, and there was a big van in the other lane so I couldn't see the girl. And I think there was only one girl working. So I sent over a check that I wanted to deposit in my checking account, planning to tell her that I wanted to do so. But she wasn't paying attention and didn't talk to me, so she just cashed it without asking. I was frustrated, but I didn't really want to be a bother so I just drove off. I mean, I guess I needed the cash anyways. See, that's what I mean. I can always find reasons why I'm in the wrong, and I have an extreme phobia of being a difficult customer. Because what makes the person on the other side any worse than me? She's just a person, doing her job. It's not my job to make them have a bad day. The thing is, I build up my argument in my brain and I have really good arguments for my side. I just hate actually saying them. It makes me feel bad. Which is why I feel meaner than I actually appear most of the time. Weird.

I have to turn in my Duke and Stanford Essays. Tomorrow. And the Robertson Scholarship. Tomorrow. And I have to write a total of 800 words in essays for that one, including a description of activities I've participated in. Aaaah!

am i dreaming?!?!!

i watched the proverbial sunrise...

coming up over the pacific and
you might think i'm losing my mind,
but i
will shy
away from the specifics.


that's been stuck in my head all day. i heart relient K so much. even when i thought i would get sick of it from listening to it so much, i still love it every time i hear it. mmhmm. what an appropriate title! it's like a satisfied feeling, which is what i get when i listen to their cd. that happened with john mayer's title for "heavier things." i was describing it and i was like "it's like room for squares, except a little... heavier." craziness.

i'm looking forward to change. it seems that that's been the theme of things around me lately- change. as they say,

if we don't change, we don't grow. if we don't grow, we aren't really living.

hmm. i'm looking forward to having new and different experiences to add to the ones i've already had, like in college and stuff. i want to be full of interesting events and circumstances that make me an interesting and colorful personality. does that make sense? like i really can't wait to study abroad. i feel like travel is going to be very vital to making my life interesting and fun. i want to be able to look back on my life and be happy with what i did and i want to be glad that i never settled for complacency or boredom. i also want to meet a lot of cool people and be friends with them. i don't think i could ever be in a job that was in an office, i just wouldn't be able to stand it. i need variety like i need water, i think. this is making me excited about my life. sometimes i need that excitement to make me feel nice.

now i'm feeling contented.

happy thanksgiving! 

i think so too, whats-her-face. oh, the GSW memories.  

bop-it is an obsession. and i look weird in this picture.  

do it the same but, uh, better.

Umm I thought I had something to blog about but then I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I was going to do one of those "update on my life" posts, but I got totally out of the mood.

I don't like society's definition of things. Like society's definition of "dating" is so weird to me. It is all too awkward and forced and weird. Like, people think that they have to follow some unwritten rules of dating that tell them what order to go in and how fast to get everything done. Worrying about what people think makes me second guess everything I do all the time, and I'm getting tired of it. It's really tiring. Also, trying to find reason in everything is tiring. I've gotten into this bad habit of overanalyzing everything. I need to just let things happen without worrying about them. That sounds like a good idea.

I think that I thought I had more to say on that subject in my head, but I can't remember it. Maybe I just can't voice my thoughts. Weird.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow!

And so it has begun. The time of year when I can no longer stroll through my parents' bedroom because it is filled with Christmas goodies. Why don't you just go in and peek at your presents, since you know where they are? you might ask. Well, because that ruins all the fun. So what if I know where it is? I still want to be surprised on Christmas. Most of the fun is the surprise. I'm leaving my gifts totally up to chance this year, I haven't made a list and the one thing I asked for is apparently out of circulation in the Christmas present department, which boggles my mind a little. I thought the whole point of Christmas presents was to get something that you wouldn't normally be able to buy/afford. Apparently my life has been ruined by fairness. Since Jill and Charlotte had to save up for an iPod, if I want one I'll have to save up. Unless, of course, I go to Duke and they give me one. What's even more weird is that my mom has an idea for a present for me. I really have no clue what it could be. Which makes me even more excited for Christmas. I can't wait to break out the CD's after Thanksgiving. Even though it's not an official rule of the holidays, I always wait until after Thanksgiving to listen to Christmas CDs. It makes it more fun, and it controls the Holiday intake. If I start listening to Christmas songs before Thanksgiving, my mind will just skip right on by turkey day, which is not what I want to do at all. Thanksgiving is so fun. This year's will be a little different, though, because we aren't going to CA. I love hanging out with the extended family over this holiday, but I think my dad is on call this year or something.

Crap. I'm typing really fast. I forgot that I'm not supposed to have caffeine on school nights. They need to put caffeine-free Dr. Pepper in wide circulation. Because I love Dr. Pepper, and if it's there, I drink it. So now I am just typing only slightly less fast than I am thinking. Things pop into my head and I write them down. I have also been fervently knitting. Geez, I have so many things to type about but I want to save them for later. Oh, forget that. I'm just going to write about them until I get tired.

I got to babysit for the cutest kids last night; they are really smart. Like when I told the second grader that I had a swim meet on Monday, he asked me if I was "going to eat a lot of nutritious foods." They were very interactive and active, like instead of zoning out on TV, they would ask me questions about stuff. Like if I could do like 100 or so addition or subtraction problems in 30 seconds. The little one, a preschooler, was talking non-stop. It wasn't fast or hyper talking, just a continuous conversation. It was really cute. I think those kids are going to be smart kids, like I want my kids to be like them. Like I was confused as to how to change the diaper of one of them, because he was slightly older and I wasn't sure of where to actually do it, but the kids were like "yeah, sometimes they just change it on his bed. you'll need some wipes, let me go get some for you." It was so awesome. So yeah. That was fun times. And I earned 22 dollars. And some compliments, something about me being "poised" and "smart." And they were joking around with me about colleges, adding there two cents about where I was applying. The dad was disappointed when he heard I wasn't applying to Davidson. Oh, dads and your colleges.

I've been reading xangas of the randomest people lately, and I find that they are more accounts of every day events than actually reflecting on things. My blog always sinks into the routine of just telling what happened, but usually I at least add some of my comments or feelings on the events. And if I haven't blogged in a while I'll give a brief synopsis of my life. Speaking of my life, it's going good. Really good. This week (starting this past Friday and lasting until next Sunday, hopefully) is/is going to be the best week ever. I can just feel it. I mean, so far it is freakin awesome. Like I can't even... yeah. After this huge Calculus test, I'll be home free. Oh yeah, and possibly after the swim meet, because I have to swim the 500 free and the 100 breast. I'm going to be tired. But whateva. Hmm. So, yeah.

The end.

so I took a brief respite from blogging. But now I am back! What has happened since Tuesday? A lot!

I tripped (wiped out, haha) in a hole outside of Eric and Kristin's house on Wednesday right before school, and I have some nasty abrasions and a hematoma that is turning into a bruise now. It is gross. I couldn't really use my hands on Wednesday and Thursday to like wash my hair and stuff because of the scrapes, but they're pretty well scabbed up now, you'll be glad to hear. I had the hardest time trying to get the dirt out of my scrapes. Bodnar wanted to pour alcohol on my hand to kill the bacteria, but alcohol burning my cuts was the last thing I wanted to do. After a few agonizing moments, I gave into the peer pressure. It burned and it didn't really get the dirt out and my dad told me that alcohol doesn't even kill bacteria. But it only hurt for like a couple minutes afterwards. The hematoma on my forearm looks horrible. I didn't even know it was there until I took off my jacket and I saw that my arm was all swollen. It doesn't really hurt that much, I just can't rest on it or anything. Also, because I landed on my arm or something, my muscles hurt in my arm. It hurts to turn doorknobs and snap my fingers and stuff. Which is kind of random. It's weird, because I haven't totally wiped out like that since like second grade or something.

Last night I drove down to Charlotte to go to see Slushie play at Tremont. It was a ton of fun. Slushie rocked out, as always... Tillman even dedicated a song (Forever Goodnight) to me!!! Oh, goodness. It was a great night. I got to meet the band Sugar Glyder... the guitarist looks like Willy Wonka, no kidding. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him that... haha. It was fun hanging out and listening to the bands and hanging out some more. It was also fun watching the mosh pits, which were hilarious (at least to me). I spent the night at Kristin's house- where we watched some of Kill Bill and then went to bed because we were so freakin tired. I was really glad that I didn't get lost at any point in time in my driving. I drove like 200 some miles within 24 hours. Weird. It was the first time I've been to Charlotte by myself, and it was very fun.

Oh yeah, and yesterday I got my SAT scores back, which put me in a good mood. Yesterday was just an overall really good day. I think this weekend will be an overall good weekend, because It's only half over! Amazing.

oh, julie.

Lucy, my dog, is an awesome dog. She's like a 3 year old all the time. My parents talk to her as if she were a human- "Lucy, how many times have I told you not to sit behind that chair? I get mad at you every time you sit there and you're always in everybody's way. Go sit in your office." or- "Lucy, you can open the door if you want to. It's open- see? Just push it with your nose or something. I'm not kidding!" Another funny thing that she does is talk when you ignore her. If everybody is watching TV or something, she'll start groaning and she'll put her paw on my lap. If you ignore her again, she'll also put her other paw up. Then she'll put half of her body and, if you're lucky, her entire body on your lap. She gets really jealous if you show affection to anybody other than her. Then she'll get all indignant and throw a pity party for herself on her dog bed, pushing it against the wall. It's funny. She also answers to anything ending in "ooey", especially Julie. I will be calling her Julie and Kate will simultaneously be calling her Lucy and she'll come to me first. It's really funny.

Today, when I came home from swimming, she was out of her invisible fence so I was trying to coax her across. She misread my coaxing and jumped in my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I laughed and she jumped out, but then I didn't mind taking her in so I told her to get back in. She sat down in the backseat and I took off her shocker-collar and drove her in. Then I opened the door for her but she insisted on jumping out of my door. She is such a spaz.

look, mom- no cavities!

Going to the dentist makes me feel so vulnerable. I am allowing someone into a place that nobody usually sees. It's weird. The whole time I'm in there I feel awkward and like I look silly. But then, when I think about it, I bet the hygenist would feel just as awkward if I had to look in her mouth. You can tell a lot about a person by their teeth. Well, I guess you can just tell a lot about their hygiene. It was overall a weird feeling. I think it was personifying my current emotional state of being. I mean, I can find the most random representations for things, I'm good at finding those conceits (I should be a metaphysical poet!). I just felt like I don't feel comfortable exposing my emotions because I'm afraid of the reaction. Just like I don't feel comfortable exposing my teeth to the dentist because I'm afraid of the reaction. Will I have a cavity? Will I be rejected? You have to admit, they are kind of similar. Also, I haven't been to the dentist in like a year and a half because I missed one a long time ago. I got out of the habit. I never got into the habit of sharing my emotions, but it still counts because I'm out of the habit. If I really searched, I bet I could keep finding these random comparisons. I think it's just an easier way of saying what I really feel. Comic relief. Or something.

Why am I so randomly obsessed with emotions lately?

I think I hold my emotions on a tight reign so that they don't get out of control and so that nobody can take the reigns away from me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. But I don't really know because I've never had an emotionally trying experience.

I think that I don't want to talk emotions any more. It takes me like 10 minutes to write one sentence, which is weird. I'll talk about something else.

But I don't know what to talk about.

I was very productive today! I think I'm pretty much done with my Duke app, I just need to finalize some stuff next weekend after I get my SAT scores back. I think I need to write some more essays. Essay writing isn't that hard for me, maybe because I'm used to writing the way I think in this thing. I don't worry about sounding all proffessional because that's not who I am at all, and I don't want to be accepted to a place that thinks I'm something I'm not.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. What will I end up doing? I'm glad that I have college to decide. I think that going into college with little to no direction is going to be very fun. I'll get to explore all the ideas. I was thinking about it, and it would be really cool to have a PhD, but I don't want to write a dang 100 page thesis. Unless I really liked what I was writing about. It would suck if I started writing and then realized that I didn't like what I was doing. If I really enjoyed the topic, I could really see myself getting the degree. Which is weird to me. That would mean a whole lot of years dedicated to education, and I don't know if I'm ready to think about that kind of thing. I really just want to do something fun with my life. I just don't know what that is yet.

i like blogging.

and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life...

... when you're happy to be alive.


songs make me, emma jane refvem, one very happy girl.

Last night was a funny one, let me tell you. I went out on the town by myself, mainly because I didn't want to go to the football game in the rain and Kate didn't want to be social with me.

So I went to the Good Life because Cleve and Jerry recommended the guitar player that was supposed to be playing. Turns out that guy got sick or something, but the guy that filled in was ok, I guess. There was one time when he was recording himself and then playing it back and recording more and playing it back while the other stuff was playing... maybe it's called sampling or something. Jerry told me about how Howie Day did that at his show at Ziggy's. The show that I wish I could have attended. So anyways, at the show, that Brett Hunter guy came up to me. Brett Hunter is that film maker guy who is local but has a fake british accent, maybe you know him, he was in the newspaper one time. He came up and sat down next to me and said "Do I know you from somewhere? Are you local?" Talk about the oldest pick up line in the book. I immediately recognized his cheeziness and didn't let myself be fooled. He said something about how he dared this guy to drink some Texas Pete but the guy would only do it if Brett got me to step outside with him. I kinda didn't know how to refuse, and I was in the mood for adventure, and the guitar player guy wasn't that great, so I went outside. I was getting a little creeped out because he was like "I just have to go get the Texas Pete in my office down the street" and I was just picturing all those lifetime movies or oprah episodes where the girl was gullible enough to follow the guy and end up in a situation that would grant her appearance on such shows, but I felt pretty confident that I could take him if he tried to beat me up or anything because I was considerably taller than he was. So when he actually came out with the Texas Pete, I was relieved. Mostly because I kinda thought it was all a hoax. Haha. But then I just thought it was a funny experience because he kept trying to make conversation when we were back at the coffee shop, but I was kinda paying attention to the guitar player. I also thought it was funny because I think that if that whole thing had happened to me like 2 years ago I would be freaked out and probably think he really liked me and I should like anyone who hits on me or something, but I was laughing in the back of my mind the whole time because I could see some girl actually responding to his cheeziness. It was just funny.

Then I went to Blockbuster to rent Almost Famous because I've never seen it. As soon as I walked in the door, Matt Graunke came up to me and pulled me aside and asked if I had any sharp objects with which to pop a balloon. I got my keys out and popped it in his earpiece, I think he was trying to make the girl with the other earpiece deaf or something. Then Bryan Belcher came up and hit him on the head with a DVD case and they started talking about Halo 2. Even though they didn't say it, I knew it was what they were talking about. I don't even play video games except mario kart but even I know that Halo 2 is the biggest thing to come out recently. I guess that shows how big it is. Anyways. And then Jimmy Hawks came up to our little gathering. It was like a mini, early-years-of-high-school reunion for me. It was fun times.

Then I went home and watched Almost Famous and it was good.

And that was my night.

I just thought I'd post before school, which is weird. I have like 10 extra minutes! I guess I just woke up on the right side of my REM cycle this morning... because I definitely went to bed at like 12:15 last night. The concert was awesome! The bands were on a mission to out "thank-you" each other. They were very grateful emo rockers. I have to go to school now, but I'll post later. Just wanted to say good morning!

i need a haircut.

whoa. my mind is freaking me out.

School is like some weird substance that I let flow into my brain, but usually I let it flow right back out. It feels like something is stopping up the drain pipe in my brain and it's getting all stopped up. The school isn't leaking out enough, so everything is getting mixed up. I can't think straight. The excess school has shut off certain switches in my brain that normally tell me to stop looking at random people's xanga's and to go do my homework. It shuts off the switch that tells me that I really need to practice piano for longer than 15 minutes. It shuts off the part of my brain that judges the amount of time I need to spend on certain tasks. It's freaking me out. Because of the buildup, I can't learn things properly. If I really think about it, I barely have a grasp on what we're doing in calculus. I can do it if I just do what she tells me and don't think about it. But I want to know it really well. That's the problem- I can't do things really well if I'm doing so many things. The thing is- I'm not really doing that many things. I don't know. I'm confused.

I don't like feeling like I do right now. I feel insignificant, awkward, trampled upon, the victim of irrational rules, not cool, insecure, weird, teenaged. It's hit an all time weird level when I feel like a poser when thinking about buying the new relient K CD. If anyone is not a poser of relient K, it's me. I really think this whole "poser" idea is loser. It makes me feel weird to think about being a poser, so I'm not going to think anyone is a poser about music. Because then it's like certain made up stereotypical groups of people own certain genres. It's weird and I'm officially retiring it from my train of thought.

I wish things weren't so weird. I don't know when they'll get un-weird. I really hope it is Friday, after a random holiday from school. I think I need the day to get caught up in my brain. I just need to get caught up and then settle down and stop being so weird.

I don't know where I'd be if I couldn't articulate my feelings on my faithful blog. It is a very theraputic practice. But I still feel kinda crappy and like I'm losing my academic grip.

But I don't really feel that crappy. I just feel selfish or something. That's what's been on my mind lately. I feel ridiculously selfish. It's weird. I don't like it one bit. Like everything is centered around me, but not obviously. Like it's not blatent or anything, and I'm not sure how prevalent it really is, but it's there and it bothers me.

I need a vacation. I need someone to talk to all the time to work out my randomness. I guess, in a way, I'm talking to the blog. But that's just it- it's inatimate. Making me look crazy. Whatever.

I've been typing too long.

holy cow!!! talk about making my whole day... make that week!!! i must purchase this CD like now. 

knitting = kabbalah

There's nothing like trying on old prom dresses and favorite outfits to make a girl feel pretty. Umm humm. After feeling frumpy all day (due to the SAT... last one ever, halleluiah) I decided to try on my prom dress because my mom was getting ready for some ball. It looks better on me this year than it did last year. Even though it's like only six months difference. Still, it made me happy. I also tried on the cutest shirt I've ever owned, purchased at Target at an earlier date. Holy cow, I love that thing. I'm wearing it on Thursday night; who cares if it is winter? I'll just wear a jacket or something over it. And I also tried on what I'm wearing to church tomorrow, though I didn't know it was what I was going to wear until after I tried it on. It is very hippie-chic. Accentuated by my chacos. And my earrings. Well, I guess every single part of my outfit contributed to the overall look.

On the way up to Alleghany for the SAT, I listened to Bob Dylan. (I got a collection of his songs because Will recommended his stuff. I mean, I've heard a lot of it before. I like collections like that. I now have a Simon and Garfunkel Collection, a Paul Simon Collection, and a Bob Dylan collection. Way cool.) The sun was shining, the fall colors were out... it was a really nice drive. I'm so glad I got to drive up the mountain instead of on the highway down to Winston. The mountains make me think of Cheerio, especially because I took almost the same route to get to Alleghany that I would to get to Cheerio. It is a really simple drive to both places.

Holy cow. The Incredibles was incredible. Creekside Cinemas is freakin' awesome. The seats rock back and forth, there are like a billion theaters, the hand dryers have turbo jets... you get the picture. Charlotte and I had a lot of fun going to see that movie. I think we kept laughing about it all the way home.

I've had a really good day.

Now I'm going to go knit while watching TV, even though I should be doing college apps. I will do one essay a night until they are done. That sounds like a plan. Why did I choose the schools with all the dang essays?

Oh how I love little survey-ish things that I find on the the xangas of GSW friends. Here goes nothing!


Thirteen random things you like:
01) the smell of my dad's old corolla
02) sleeping on a hammock
03) knitting
04) grilled cheese sandwiches
05) Camp Cheerio and all that surrounds it
06) sleeping in
07) not having deadlines looming over my head
08) listening to live music
09) cool t-shirts
10) Young Life
11) joking around
12) having intelligent discussions
13) writing in my blog.

Twelve random movies:
01) zoolander
02) waiting for guffman
03) 13 going on 30
04) monty python (holy grail)
05) shrek 2
06) honey (ha ha ha)
07) 16 candles
08) the breakfast club
09) st. elmo's fire
10) pretty in pink
11) bottle rocket
12) 10 things i hate about you

Eleven good bands/artists:
01) relient K
02) rooney
03) switchfoot
04) ginny owens
05) nickel creek
06) paul simon/simon and garfunkel
07) jump, little children
08) howie day
09) slushie
10) the flaming lips
11) the postal service

Ten things about you ... physically:
01) i'm 5'10"
02) i have red hair
03) i have brown eyes
04) my second toe is longer than my big toe
05) i haven't shaved my legs since labor day and don't plan to until states for swimming, and i like it
06) i have big hands & long fingers
07) my nose is the perfect shape for holding up a spoon for prolonged periods of time
08) i'm currently 2 pounds underweight
09) i have freckles
10) i had 5 wisdom teeth at one point


Nine good friends:
01) maggie
02) nancy
03) ashley
04) audra
05) sami
06) courtney
07) tillman
08) brad
09) mckenzie

Eight favorite foods/drinks:
01) grilled cheese
02) goldfish
03) barbecue
04) pizza hut four-for-all
05) mac and cheese
06) chocolate milk
07) sprite/sierra mist/7-up
08) V8 splash

Seven things you wear daily:
01) my birks
02) earrings
03) a bra
04) underwear
05) contacts
06) a cool purse (does that count?)
07) socks

Six things that annoy you:
01) my car
02) my family
03) schoolwork, tests, etc.
04) when people use the wrong punctuation?
05) bad grammar
06) fake people

Five things you touch everyday:
01) my car
02) myself (no, not like that, asswipe) *nice one, hannah
03) my nalgene
04) pens/pencils
05) my snooze button

Four shows you watch:
01) joan of arcadia
02) csi (las vegas, the original)
03) gilmore girls
04) law and order (all of them.)


Three celebrities you have a crush on:
01) jake gyllenhaal
02) napoleon dynamite
03) gideon yago


Two things you have kissed:
01) my parents/grandparents (goodnight kisses)
02) ... :-(


One person you can live your whole life with:
01) i've got nothin for this one. so i'm going to get really cheezy and say Jesus. it's true- but i hate being cheezy like that. putting "Jesus" for a survey answer seems... cheezy. i just said cheezy like 3 times. make that 4.


comment!

Rectangular Magic Calculus Room of Terror!

9. Emma was a very naughty girl this year, always talking in AP Calculus class!!! Santa Claus was very disappointed in her, so he filled her cylindrical Christmas stocking with his magic powdered coal. Her cylindrical stocking is 12 inches high and 6 inches in diameter. The stocking fills at a rate of 5 cubic inches per minute. At what rate is the height of the coal in the stocking changing when the height is 8 inches?


Oh man. That calculus test was full of laughs. I was excited that I had a question dedicated to me. Too bad I got it wrong! Silly me. I forgot that the radius was constant. I was really out of it on this test, because I couldn't remember anything that I did on the test at all. I didn't know if I was going to do well because I couldn't remember anything about it whatsoever. Weird. It freaked me out a lot. Just like the time my calculus reading voice in my head messed up. Talk about weird.

the Kerry-scarf, looking sad in the trash can. Although I'm really not throwing it away, I just thought it was good symbolism. or something. 

vote for pedro! 

In order to show the good readers of this blog that I am taking this whole idea of suggestions seriously, I will- as Tillman suggested- blog about cans of worms. Bet you didn't see that one coming. Mwa ha ha ha.

So. Cans of worms, eh? I've had experiences with cans of worms, let me tell you. At Cheerio one time, I had to teach fishing. That's right- fishing. Some of you veterans may be thinking: "but this is impossible! they took all the fish out of the lake, consequently letting the frog population run rampant!" This is true, but I was assigned to teach it before they made that really random and hilarious decision. Since the fishing department at Camp Cheerio probably gets 0% of the budget, we weren't privileged enough to have cans of worms. We had to find our own- which scared me because I've never actually found a worm when I've set out to find one. So the task was daunting, but my co-counselor and I embarked upon it with vigorous enthusiasm. (because, as we all know, a cheerio camper is always enthusiastic. someone once said that nothing great has ever been achieved without enthusiasm.) Much to my surprise, I found worms- and lots of them! It was awesome. The only thing to worry about now was actually fishing. I would say that about 25% of the worms we caught actually made it onto the hooks, and of those, 50% fell in the water before a fish could get on, and of the ones that actually stayed on, no fish were caught. It wasn't that successful, but it was kinda fun. I can't remember why I had to teach fishing- I think it was on CIT-IT day for CREW. That sounds about right.

On the topic of worms in general, our fellow classmate (and "town-proclaimer") McKenzie ingested more than his fair share of worms at Windy Gap the weekend before last. When he had to get up in front of the crowd and spit a worm as far as he could, he did it like it was no big deal. He was playing with the worm when it was in his mouth, pulling it out, pushing it back in, being ridiculous. Then he spit it the furthest, and it hung out on the ground in the hay for a good minute or so. He got it back, wiped it off, and swallowed it. Holy cow. Then he ate one while we were waiting to go into club later that weekend. Wait- maybe he and Eric just spit them back and forth at each other. I think that's what they did.

hasta luego! keep your comments and suggestions coming.

Holy Cow. I love fall days such as this.

It's warm. The sky is blue. The few clouds are puffy and white. The leaves are pretty colors. It is perfect weather for sitting on a hammock and napping because there is nothing else in the world to do. Too bad there is always something to do in my life. I just want to sit and enjoy the wonderfulness of today.

What a welcome break from the dreary cloudiness that has opressed us for the past week! I'm so glad that the gross, constantly hazy/foggy stage is now gone. It was mondo depressing. Maybe I have that seasonal depression thing. It would make sense- my dad has it. He gets really cranky when it's dark and cloudy outside.

Next week is a week of finally finishing things for me. Tuesday marks both the end of the campaigning for political office as well as the completion of my first scarf (deemed the Kerry-scarf). I am so glad that the race is almost over in the political department. It has been very depressing and long and wierd. Also, I will be glad to wrap up the knitting of my scarf. It holds many memories and it is getting pretty long, but I am getting sick of the color. Time for a change. Next project: knitting Nancy a scarf for her Birthday. Another accomplishment of next week is the completion of my last SAT. I'm still not quite sure why I'm taking it again, possibly for scholarships. Whatever the case may be, it will be over on Saturday, hopefully no later than 1:00 in the afternoon. I think that I will go see I heart Huckabee's afterwards, since I will already be down there in Winston Salem (i'm taking the SAT at Mt. Tabor... right).

I like saying things like "at any rate..." or "on the flip side..." or "either way you slice it..." because they sound pretty cool. Oh, my. I got depressed the other day because I began to realize that even I didn't like reading my blog anymore, so why should anybody else? It depressed me to no end. What am I doing wrong? Where has the magic gone? Was there any magic in the first place? Am I being totally weird? Do I need to calm down? Yes to that last one, I will go ahead and answer.

At any rate, I'm really pumped about All County Club. It is going to be ridiculously awesome. Like, I can't even wait. Yay!!!

I'm going to go soak in the loveliness of the day on the hammock, like I mentioned before. Sounds absolutely stupendous.

I'm out like a light!

Tell me what you guys want me to blog about. I feel like my posts have seen a serious decline in quality as of late. I need some ideas of things to write about. Except politics. I don't want to open that can of worms. So anything else is game. Sorry for the choppy sentences.

Isn't it ironic that I put as my away message "sleeping until jill wakes me up or something" last night before I went to bed, because I thought I was going to have to pick Jill up from Amanda's house last night. The ironic part was that I woke up this morning and the away message was still on because Jill had just got home from Amanda's after spending the night, but she was still the one who woke me up- by getting my camera out of my room. Interesante.

I haven't been to school in the last 2 days, and it's been pretty freakin awesome.

Yesterday, I went down to Chapel Hill with McKenzie, Nancy, and Bod for a workshop on stem cell research. It was very interesting. The small group discussions during lunch were very GSW-esque. I felt like I sounded very open minded. And I looked like a cool person. Like if I saw someone that looked the way I looked, I would want to get to know them and I would think they were cool. I think It was helped out a lot by my bangs and jewelry. I always knew the bangs were a keeper. Good choice on that one, I must say. I also was wearing my favorite jeans that bring luck with them wherever they go. I'm basically in love with them.

Today, I went on an English field trip to the Renaissance Fair in Charlotte. It was a ton of fun, even though it was very misty and cloudy all day. Everyone's hair had little droplets of water all over. It was funny. We waited in line for like 45 minutes for bread bowls, though. But the actual waiting wasn't bad except for the being hungry part. I got to listen to some music, compliments of Tillman. Other events of the day included fortune telling and jousting. The fortune telling was pretty awesome and hilarious. Basically a 5 dollar counselling session. I opted out of it, though. It was fun watching. The jousting was hilarious. The guys were riding horses! I was a litte dissapointed that the jousting sticks weren't logs, like they are in Michael Crichton's Timeline. That would have been awesome.

So I was almost depressed that I would be behind in my classes, but we didn't do anything in them according to those who stayed behind. I thought the calculus worksheet packet was going to be hard, but it turned out to be surprisingly easy. Maybe I'm just a better mathematician at night. I did it at 12:00 AM, this morning I guess you could say. I went a little crazy with the staying up late. I think I had some caffeine too late in the day, so I couldn't go to sleep. Caffeine is not a good thing for me on school nights.

Cloudy days depress me. Like there is nothing else out there. When I can see the sky, then it makes me think that there are broad horizons and that the world goes on. When it's cloudy, it's like there is nothing else except what I am doing. Like it's a little bubble or something. Does that make sense? probably not. It does in my mind, which is the only thing that matters. Mwa ha ha ha.

Tomorrow is going to be one weird school day.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys about how my knitting got wrapped around the bus @ Windy Gap. It was freakin hilarious. I apparently dropped it on one side and didn't notice until somebody told me that the ball of yarn was on the ground and my needle with the string attatched was in my bag, therefore I was trailing a string of yarn. That cracked Lynn, the speaker for the weekend, up. It was really funny. What's even funnier was that I was knitting @ YL! That will never cease to crack me up.

So I'm looking forward to November. I'm glad I can pinpoint my anxiousness. I hate being anxious about things that don't really have a deadline. Like being anxious about something that will never really end. Otherwise, I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I like it, but most of the time it ends in dissapointment so I'm not expecting much out of it. As you can see, I'm talking about something in particular. But I won't tell you because then I would feel akward, and I'm trying to avoid negative feelings.

I hate when things get akward. It's usually all in my brain, but I just hate when it happens.

I had a good day at school today- I got to take my picture for the YB and I got out of like 45 minutes of spanish to hang out with Tillman and McKenzie and Rachael and Nicole and Alex and Eric and Kristin and Fisher and Summer. But not all at once. None of our pictures for "Scholarship" of "Who's Who" with Alex make any sense. We're fixing McKenzie's car in one of them. ?. who knows. In other news of school, I will be missing 2 consecutive days- one for a Bio trip with Bod and McKenzie and Nancy, and the other for the Renaissance festival for English. I hope I don't get hopelessly behind. That would suck.

Hope you guys have a wonderful day!

uggggh. I think I'm going to be sick. Who wouldn't be after 18 links of sausage? Holy cow. I had to break the record of 16 that I set back at Rockbridge sophomore year. I think it was the bus ride that set it off. Or perhaps the apple juice that I drank to complement it. I'm not quite sure, all I know is that I feel gross.

Other than the gross sick feeling, I had an awesome weekend. It was very eye opening. I got to be a leader which was pretty much awesome. I wasn't sure how I would handle the responsibility, but it ended up being fine. I did have to sound mean last night when I was telling them to be quiet, and I hated it. I didn't care how loud they talked, I just didn't want Christie to get mad because her girls were trying to sleep next door. And apparently I get grumpy when I try to talk when I'm in my sleeping bag. Who knows. But I hated being mean. Other than that, it was a very intellectually enlightening weekend. I spent a lot of time thinking things through and I got a lot of quality advice from Eric and Kristin. It was good stuff. So now I think I might just go and sleep after I write this story for spanish. uggh.

(if i had ended it there, my blog would have started and ended with "uggh"... haha)

Sorry for sounding like a complainer. I'll work on that.

No big post today, "AP Bio owns me" in the words of Kristin Brown. We have a test tomorrow on mitosis and meiosis. Yuck. I realized today that I don't really like any part of biology except environmental/ecological stuff. Good thing I figured it out, or I would have tried to major in it or something. I scoff at biology. So there.

Alls I gotta say is- TGI [almost] F

I hate it when my family blows things out of proportion. It causes me to start thinking and analyzing small details, therefore making me blow it out of proportion too. Then I become frustrated and cynical and I don't like who I am when I am in this state caused by their actions. They keep bringing it up, it makes me feel akward, and then I end up expecting more out of the situation that they are blowing up than I even want to. I want to be chill. I want things to happen naturally, and progress at a very laid back rate. Why must they do this to me? I hate feeling akward and embarassed. Oh me, oh my.

I really hate mood swings as well. Today was an extremely mood-swingy day. I probably had a different mood every five minutes. I hate the way I am when I am mood swingy. Like I was happy to be getting up this morning, and I felt like my regular self. Then I started feeling more like a mature adult because I had to drive Julie to campaigners. Then I felt happy and silly at campaigners until we started and then I was freaking tired. And then I felt silly again, and then sometime in English, my mood turned a little more randomly serious or something. It went downhill in Calculus because we had a test and Mrs. Gray wasn't her usual cheery self. Like she sounded depressed when answering my question about the open or closed interval. Weird. My mood went back to the positive side in lunch because I talked with my friends and it was fun times. Then I felt kind of out of sorts or something, like I wasn't feeling like I was a funny person. (not that i'm saying i'm a hilarious person or something like that, i hate it when my point isn't well conveyed, so i really am not trying to sound conceited or anything silly like that) Who knows what that was all about. And then I had to take my Most Likely to Succeed picture with Brad and I felt normal and good and in good spirits. Spanish was fun, and my good mood lasted until the end of the period, I'm pretty sure. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere came my really bad mood. All of a sudden I was ridiculously depressed and then I started thinking about how depressing it was that I was depressed for no reason and then I started thinking of all the things that make me sad right now, and then I started getting sadder and sadder. It was horrible. And then I had piano lessons and it put me in a good mood again because I knew my pieces. And then I came home and now I'm in a really good, high-energy mood because we had dinner with Eric and Kristin and it was loud and fun and funny. At one point, I accused Jill of stealing one of my childhood memories (she seriously claimed one of my memories as her own... weirdo). I also got in a really good mood because exciting things are happening these days. I listened to some of the songs by the bands I am going to see with Courtney and Tillman at Ziggy's on Nov. 11th, and it totally pumped me up. Exciting. So now I'm in a happy mood and I'm probably going to go change into a chill mood because I'm going to go do my homework.

Seriously, you probably think I'm the most teenagery teenage girl there is out there, and you're probably right- at least concerning today. Now you can see why I hate emotional roller coasters. It was exhausting even listing it just now. Sorry for putting you guys through that.

oh boy. songs have such an emotional affect on me. like if i'm feeling a certain emotion and the exact right song comes on with the exact right chord progressions, my emotions at that point are meanifested in the song. sometimes i think i try to push back my emotions because maybe i don't want to feel them all the time, but those darn songs know exactly how to get them. i like it in a way, but sometimes i don't like it. i like listening to a cd and having the old feelings come back. like when i listen to my paul simon cd, i remember my general feelings from the first time i listened to it. i think that happens for all of my cds. the emotion that was the strongest while i listened to that particular cd in the past comes out the next time i listen to it. sometimes the words don't have anything to do with it. they could be happy words or something but they could make me feel really sad.

speaking of feeling really sad, i was remembering today the day that i had to say goodbye to Will at governor's school. oh, man was that sad. we went to lunch during my lunch break at the tavern restaurant in old salem (i think) but we were rushed for time. we had a good talk, but i had to leave early so i could go back to class. so i hugged him and said goodbye, knowing that i wouldn't see him for a really long while because he was moving to LA. he stayed to finish his lunch while i walked away and it was the most depressing thing ever. i walked by and waved to him sitting right by the window. it was a short walk back to class, but i couldn't help but cry. it was one of those cries where you don't want to cry because you're about to see people, people that you don't want to see you crying, so it makes you cry more. i think i should have skipped, but that would have caused a big hoo-ha and i didn't want that. it was the most depressing and sad thing ever. and plus, it was in like the 4th week of governor's school, so i was going through a homesick stage and all that crap, which didn't help.

speaking of governor's school and songs, i am listening to coldplay and the song that bridgit and kaila always played (God put a smile upon your face) just came on. oh, memories. i miss gsw. and i miss will. and i love music. the end.

It's amazing what an impact just a couple words make. Sometimes, some little thing that somebody says can either make or break my day. Like if somebody comes up and just says "hey, what's up?" to me, unexpectedly, it makes me really happy. And it's also weird how just saying my name will make me feel happy. Like, instead of saying just "Bye", they say "Bye, Emma!" I mean, sometimes I can be in whole conversations and I never really use the person's name. Yet it makes such an impact, as well. So when somebody says something small like "See ya later, Emma" when they only normally say just "Bye" or something, it totally makes my day. Maybe I'm not making any sense.

I had a good day today. Nothing special to make it amazing or anything, just a generally good day. Even though Calculus came close to going over my head, closer than it's ever come before, it was still ok. My teachers were in good moods. That always helps. Like when Mr. Castillo is in a bad mood, it depresses the hell out of me. (I thought I'd throw that in there for all you Catcher in the Rye fans) But today he was just chillin out and he didn't get mad at us or anything and he didn't try to teach us something confusing. I also had a good day because I exercised. I'm pumped about swim season, I think I've already lost 2 pounds. Hahaha. My goal isn't to lose weight as much as it is to get in shape and get toned. Swimming does a good job of toning my body. Maybe I'll swim more regularly even after swim season is over. I also got some quality piano practice in, thanks to Mrs. Paul totally calling me and Mallory out about how we weren't practicing right. I could sense that I wasn't getting much accomplished, and she pinpointed it. Now I concentrate on my problem areas before I let myself play the parts I already know. Discipline, discipline, discipline. Oh boy. Then I did my homework (in 3 classes! yet it still didn't ruin my day) and then I watched some CSI while knitting some more of my Kerry-scarf. I'm making some progress. Now if I only knew how to cast off... I think another factor for my good day is that I had Postal Service "Recycled Air" stuck in my head all day. I like that song. It's a very calm sort of song. I would write the lyrics out, but that's not the calm part. The whole thing is just nice. I knew that all I needed was some good music to help me get rid of my stressed-out poser mood.

So tomorrow is Friday and I am really excited. I mean, what's not to love about Friday? Joan of Arcadia, Football Game, Slushie show, sleeping in... (yessss)

I wrote this for English, and I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

a sonnet about jeans.
by emma refvem.


they looked from that tall rack with their big eyes
their legs reached out to me through flocks of folks
they said: “hello, my dear we are your size”
they used their vintage wash and flares to coax

but some are like a leech upon my skin
they cling so tightly to my butt and thighs
I only fit in them when I suck in
to pull them off immediately would seem quite wise

but how can I resist my favorite jeans?
those knights in shining armor that don’t tease
that make my lower half feel like a queen’s
politely hiding flaws so no-one sees.

the quest for legs that look so long and lean
is done ‘cause I have found my perfect jeans.

This past weekend was pretty awesome.

Friday: I worked @ the Jaycee Booth @ the ALF, selling fried apple pies. Then I sat at home and moped because I wasn't going to Ziggy's or anything fun b/c of the SAT. Joan of Arcadia was good- the guy that played God was really cute. I think you have to watch the show to not be at least somewhat grossed out by that statement.

Saturday: SAT 2. Biology sucked. Math 2C sucked more. Writing wasn't so bad. We had to write an essay. The prompt: "A great decision was made when _____". Alex wrote about the founding fathers. Kathryn wrote about electing Bush. I wrote about what I had for lunch on Friday. I said "A gread decision was made when I decided what to eat for lunch yesterday. Let me explain..." And then I went on to talk about how I couldn't choose between a hotdog, a cheeseburger, and a "world famous pork chop sandwich." I figured that I had to write about something I knew b/c I only had 20 minutes. And I also figured that it was more about how you wrote than what you wrote about. Plus, it was a vague prompt. Afterwards, I went home and waited for Shmimmy and Kristin to come. Then we went to the ALF then Goobers then Home and then to Dobson and then to Wal Mart and then back home to knit. Fun times to the max!!!

Sunday: Church, then knitting and more movies, then Shmimmy and Kristin left, then Quest @ 4:30 where we watched "The First Night" with Richard Gere who played Lancelot, to whom I fondly referred as "Lancehot" and Sean Connery who played Arthur. It was funny. Then I went to the Senior Leader Meeting @ Eric and Kristin's house and then I came home.

I had tons of fun this weekend w/ my CIT buddies. I miss cheerio- but I more importantly miss the cheerio people.

I watched a lot of movies this weekend. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- awesome. Kristin figured it out and I just helped out with figuring out the hair colors and stuff. Mean Girls- good, as always. "Aallll yooouuu sucka MC's got nothin on me..." hahaha. Saved- good stuff. Interesting. It evoked a very governor's school feeling in me, if that makes any sense. It evoked the same feeling that some things at governor's school evoked for me, kind of a sense of hoplesness b/c of the neverending gray areas that cover so many topics. Drop Dead Gorgeous- funny. I think I fell asleep for most of it. Along Came Polly. This, too, was fun stuff. Breakfast Club- first time seeing it on DVD- I usually watch it on TV. I really love that movie. The First Knight- although I didn't pay attention to some of it, I thought it was good. Sean Connery had a lot of one-liners of advice. I kept making fun of his accent but nobody was getting it and it was never-ending because he talked a lot in the movie. Haha. The fact that I watched a lot of movies reminds me a lot of Governor's School, too.

Speaking of reminding me of GSW, I had a moment in English. We were talking about craziness and how maybe you're sane and everybody else is crazy, and so I just had the urge to ask "What is craziness?"- like the true GSW-er I am. I miss GSW.

On another note, open swim was today. Boy, I'm out of shape. But I'm really looking forward to slimming down and making states and having tons of fun b/c high school swimming is a ton of fun. That pumps me up a lot.

I'm sorry for calling him an extra-credit whore. It was inspired by the quote from one of the issues of The Forum from GSW.

number one on the list of top ten things GSW really stands for:

Good place to discover, upon attending a required lecture, that although you were sure you were the Smartest, really you're an uncompassionate grade-whore who got to the top by having no life and caring only about Winning.

Oh, GSW. How I miss you.

I think I had something good to post about, but I forgot it. I forgot it so much that i don't even remember the subject or anything.

So I've totally gotten over my music-poser insecurities, and I can't wait to get my CD's- I think I got the F.L. and P.S. haha. code language.

Since I forgot what I wanted to post about, I will commence in telling you about my day, because it was a pretty good day. It is going to be pretty detailed, so consider yourself warned. But not in a bad way or anything.

I woke up today and remembered that we had an Interact Board meeting at 7:30. I also remembered that both of my parents were gone and I was responsible Charlotte getting to school. So I called Megan T. and she was able to take C. to school. So I arrived and we had a meeting about board members' responsibilities, and Mrs. Rhoden was really emphasizing organization skills that weren't present last year or something. It was really ironic b/c Nick came in and asked her where our ALF booth was and she said "Oh, I don't know. I forgot to call them to find out, just walk up and down the streets to find it." The epitome of unorganization. Whatever.

First period was chatty. I forget exactly what we did. Yesterday's class was more fun, because we had A.A. Yesterday was really fun, in general. Perhaps I'll take a break and talk some about yesterday. Sounds good.

So... Yesterday. English was full of Extra Credit whores. And I apologize for calling them *cough* him *cough* a whore, but it's true. They sell themselves for grades. For example, somebody wasn't talking at all in class, but as soon as Mrs. Goldwasser reminded us of our extra credit checks for in class participation, his hand was up. Before she was even done looking up from the book into which she was talking. Oh man. Don't even get me started. Then, it was time for A.A., my haven. I love that class. Goldie/Macado is my advisor, and our class is really small because everyone either moved or dropped out. So it was gonna be me and Anderson and Rebekah, and then like Kayla Webster and Doug and Mandy, but they don't talk very much. So I was excited. Then the "extra credit" monger, after some confusion on his real advisor, decided he was just going to stay for ours. It got under my skin. He was ruining this group that has been the same for like 2 years. And he just was going to walk on in like he owned the place or something. I didn't know exactly why I was being so defensive about Advisor Advisee, I think it had something to do with the extra credit. But stay, he did, and so did Lizzie, which made it better. I like Lizzie. So we were listening to flamenco guitar music and talking about college essays and stuff (instead of responsibility), when MAHS went into lockdown. Lockdowns are so much fun. Macado forgot about the locking the door part until we reminded her, and it was kinda funny. We were sitting in the corner of our room whispering and making jokes about lockdowns and it was pretty fun. Then it was over and I had to return to the reality that I had a biology test to take. Uggh. I think we learned physics stuff in calculus, and then I crammed for bio during lunch. Then I took it. And it sucked, because we had 7 minutes less to take it in. And also because biology tests generally suck. It wasn't really that bad. I mean, I could have known the Calvin Cycle a little better, but whatever. Then there was spanish and I think we didn't do anything again. Still haven't moved out of the review pages. Oh well. Then after school there was piano and I had to take Charlotte to voice, where I slept through her lesson. It was a good and greatly needed nap. Then I think I went through test withdrawl. Watched a lot of T.V. Then went to bed.

So now today doesn't look as exciting. Basically calculus was calculus and then Nan and I went to eat at Kristin's house. Fun times. Then Bod wasn't there in Bio, so we "read the chapters", which really means that we talked and read our own books if we wanted. I read some in "Walking on Water" by Madelein L'Engle. I love her. So much. Well, I love her books, anyways. Then I looked at the sample transparencies for bio books and it was pretty cool. I like transparencies. Then I sat in Jordan's vacant seat and talked with Chris and Christian and Tillman and kindof with Evan. It was fun times. I think I'm going to sit in Jordan's seat some more when he is absent, which is often. Then we had a ridiculously easy quiz in spanish, which was almost the same question repeated 15 times with a different verb that he gave to you. We also got our newspapers, which we read for the remainder of the class period. When we were done reading we all just got up and talked and stuff and it was pretty fun. We laughed at parts of our school newspaper, because they were funny. And other parts because they were unintentionally funny. Hahaha. Oh my. Then I came home and chilled and then picked up Jill in Pilot, then ate at Monte De Rey with the fam, then went to the v-ball game for like 2 seconds and then went to the J.V. f-ball game. It was fun and funny.

Seriously, how long is this post? I think I'm tired of writing. Have a good weekend!

So. I am ordering The Flaming Lips CD (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots) off of amazon, and I needed another CD to make it free shipping. So I looked at some of their suggestions, and I saw Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie and The Shins. Sarah G. told me about Postal Service like last year or the year before, and I thought they sounded cool but I didn't follow through. Now that I've kinda heard other people talk about it, I feel like a poser. I don't want to look like someone who just gets CDs so she'll look cool. I think I'm going to end up getting Postal Service, but then I can't choose if I want that or Death Cab because I might have enough electronic music with my Flaming Lips CD. So it is a dilemma. Am I a poser? Now that I write it all down I realized that I am not really a poser, and who cares if I am anyway? I just want to listen to good music. I think that is where I differ from my thoughts sometimes. Some people just get CDs and listen to music because they want to be a part of a certain crowd who listens to that kind of music. But the people who are in that crowd have already heard of the artists from somewhere else and are cool. I don't want to be a person who looks like she's trying to be cool. I really just like the music. So I think I don't fall in the "poser" category. But really, can any of us be posers? Yeah, I think some people are. But hopefully I am not. I listen to many different genres of music, depending on my mood. So I just succesfully talked myself out of my poser status.

I think I took insecurity pills or something last night. I've been feeling really insecure. Why? Why must I do it to myself? Why do I question my music preferences? Why do I feel like I'm always complaining? (because I am) Why do I feel like none of my jokes or attempts to be funny work out and I end up looking like a loser who can't make a joke? Why do I feel akward standing up in front of YL because I have to when I relished the time up there back when I didn't have to? Why do I ask these insignificant questions that will only add to my insecurities because I am identifying the ways in which I am insecure?

Whoa. I need to calm down. I'm stressed probably because I have a calculus test tomorrow and a biology test on thursday. I'm going to study for bio tonight and hopefully I know the calculus. I was confused on how she graded parts of my last test, which has some of the material we will be testing tomorrow, so that's not good. She needs to improve her grading handwriting.

This post is an example of why I need to listen to calm music- like the Flaming Lips. I am too hyper. But I do have my Polyphonic Spree CD, so that can put me in a nice, calm, hippie mood. Good. There we go. Now I'm going to go study for biology.

I like Ziggy's! I went for my first time tonight and it was awesome. I got to see Melanie, my bud from Area 3 @ GSW, and I got to see Pico vs. Island Trees! I also got to see Jerry Chapman, rockin' out. It was pretty cool. I once again realized my love for live music.

Congratulations to Audra Hodges, Mt. Airy High School's newest Homecoming Queen! You rock.

I'm @ Nan's house right now, blogging before we go back to the game. Jill says Nancy walked the best in heels. Haha. Everyone's heels were so cute- Audra's and Eve's round-toed ones were awesome. I love cute shoes so much, but I could never pull them off. While everybody around me was dressed up, I was wearing Chuck Taylor's, one blue sock and one purple sock, jeans, my GSW NS shirt ("the earth is flat- deal with it") and my cool earrings and a bracelet that Emmy gave me that is from South Africa. But it was awesome.

So I think I'm about to go back to the game and then to hang out at the dance and then probably over to church to watch a movie and then back home.

Fun times on a Friday Night in MA!

I ended up watching the debates, and I'm glad I did. Because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to talk about it and I would have felt left out. It is good to know that people I talk to online are democrats, so I don't feel so outnumbered in my house.

By the way, on my "infinity post", there is a correction. The song is not called "Bodyguard"! It is called "Call me Al." I think.

I'm excited about going to Ziggy's tomorrow night. Pico and Jerry Chapman are playing! woot!

I was in a pretty good mood today, and then it all went down the drain for some reason. Blame it on hormones or something, since it is the easiest thing to blame stuff on when you're a teenage girl. I'm not really that moody, I think I have just been more "thoughtful" lately. Like I think too much into things. In a way, I'm glad. I think it adds depth to my character, in that I'm not so superficial. In another way, I'm not glad. Because it makes me too depressed to be thinking about the future or reading into things while everybody else is wondering what to wear on blue and white day. I think I'm just tired of superficiality. It is tiring. I don't know. Now I'm going to go watch CSI because I like it, and I'm not going to watch the debate because I can't vote and my family is conservative and republican and defensive, and I'm liberal and emotional. It's too hard to handle.

I had a lot of interactions with infinity today. We had to read a story for english that was talking about the vast infinity of the universe and then I got part of "Bodyguard" by Paul Simon stuck in my head- the part when he says "spinning in infinity..." But that's all I had stuck in my head... I couldn't seem to get any of the surrounding lines in my head. Whatever. Then in calculus we were talking about vertical tangent lines, and which infinity they went off to. I started thinking about infinity and it made me feel small, like the girl in the story. Like when I went out to my car before campaigners this morning, I had one of those episodes where you wonder what the point of life is. Like any life at all, not just mine. Like, what is the point of going to Campaigners if I'm just going to die in like 70 or 80 years, which is such a small fraction of the time that has already existed. I don't like feeling like this because I loose all motivation whatsoever. It is the ultimate senioritis. Weird.

My back hurts all the time and I've been in a bad mood all day and I have a headache. Ugg.