i'm not a gymnast.

While trying to showcase my amazing handstand skills to my campers this week, I made a fatal flaw. According to Lindsay, the globe-trotting 11-year-old in the cabin, I went up in a good handstand but tipped a bit too far over before returning to the ground in the correct manner. This slight hyperextension stressed my back muscles in a way that would haunt me for the rest of 5c, even to this very moment. After the handstand, I immediately knew something was wrong. I tried to stretch it out during the inital pain onslaught, but to no avail. Within 5 seconds, I had turned into an old man. I struggled to get down to the floor, where my sympathetic campers tried to massage the pain away. Liles also tried to help by shooing away the campers while my eyes were closed so that she could trick me into thinking it was still them, being creepy. Oh, Liles. I got some Ibuprofen that night, along with an ice pack to "numb" the pain that left me in a slightly bent position while walking and hindered my ability to sit and stand with ease. It did nothing, basically. The most comfortable position was lying on my back that night, but I can't fall asleep that way. I can only sleep on my side, which was the least comfortable way possible. This happened on Sunday, and I was feeling a little bit better by Monday night, for Spy Hunter. I took the slow group (as usual) and we chilled out until we decided to be a little bit hardcore. In the midst of cheating to gain the backpack of Meredith Bryson's group with the youngest girls, I saw the opportunity to have fun and look silly/intense all at the same time. I ran down the hallway of Millis and jumped the wall and hit the ground running to maintain the 15 feet within my camper as she squirted her water gun with all the fury she could muster. This was not a good idea. It was like pushing the Restart button on my pain. That night I went to bed all ice-packed and ibuprofened and prepared for another uncomfortable night. Tuesday wasn't so bad because the pain was easing up. I still had my old man moments when I had to bend down to reach something, or if I sat down for too long. Also, the nurse added two Aleve's (or something non-ibuprofen-y) to my regimen, making the pain less and less intense. I'm just nervous now that the pain will linger until moving-in day, where it will refresh itself and rear its ugly head again. I'm praying that won't happen. So, yeah. There's my 5c story. The moral of this story? Don't do handstands all the time when you know you're not that good at them. One day it will backfire.

p.s.- 5c = awesome!

yttup yllis

You know what I love? Silly Putty. It's awesome. I heard someone made it as a rubber substitute during WW2, since there was a shortage. Turns out it is the best toy ever (beside Slinky's). It has many properties. It can stretch, but it can also break if you pull it really fast. If you stretch it out and put it on newspaper or pencil writing, it will copy a mirror image onto the silly putty. I suppose if there is enough ink there, you could re-stamp it somewhere else. I would always do that. They have color changing silly putty which changes colors as you play with it. It is heat activated, which makes sense. It happens with any kind of Silly Putty-- the more you play with it, the easier it gets to stretch and the warmer it gets. Sometimes it gets kinda hot and you have to put it down. That's not that much fun. I just found some Silly Putty and it was actually kind of stale. I have to warm it up. I think a good warming up session, with the addition of some of the natural oils from my hand, will make my Silly Putty as good as new. Maybe. I like that Silly Putty comes in eggs. I don't like it when silly putty gets stuck in the carpet. It's gross, because it doesn't come out easily. I like that Silly Putty isn't as sticky as gum. I like that you can break it apart and put it back together like it's as good as new. I don't like it when the Silly Putty people falsely advertise. I got some Silly Putty in a purple, sparkly egg. The putty inside was not purple or sparkly. It was normal colored and not sparkly. I was looking forward to purple putty. I was disappointed. It was a sad day. But now I'm over the fact that it wasn't what I originally wanted, and it's still good Silly Putty. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go play with my Silly Putty some more. The end.

i love my hair

When I was little, I used to gaze in amazement at the teenage girls in church as they ran their fingers through their long, silky hair and put it up in a ponytail without a brush and made it look so great. At the time, I would never have believed my hair could do that. I was at the shoulder-length, kid, "i'm outside all the time and don't have time to brush or condition my hair" stage. There's no way I could run my fingers through my hair, let alone put it up-- with or without a brush. My mom could put pigtails in it, but that was the extent of my hair styles. I went through a time in my later-kid/pre-teen years when I would brush it back into a ponytail almost every day. Always. I couldn't stand to have it down. I always go through stages like that with my hair-- when I either wear it solely up or solely down or solely in a half-ponytail or something. If I went to school with my hair down, it usually ended up in a ponytail or bun by the end of the day. As I've grown older, I've gotten better at dealing with my hair. I've found the way to put just enough hair in the half-ponytail so it won't hurt my head and won't look weird and won't accent my flyaways or frizziness. I've found a way to put up my hair in a ponytail without a brush and make it look loose and the ponytail part curl in just right. I've found the exact right way to work the hair band so the bun has a good messy-to-functional ratio. (So it looks cute but also stays in for a while.) Most recently, I've found how to make my hair look cute-ly sloppy (if that makes sense.) At least I think it looks cute. It's my favorite kind of hairdo. I'm wearing a sloppy side-bun right now. It's comfy and matches my long shorts and t-shirt look. So I am indeed like the girls I used to look up to at church.

I've always gotten compliments on the color of my hair. People always comment on the fact that it is such a pretty red, and that nobody else in my family has it and how weird that is. I used to get so mad when people called me strawberry blonde, because that would mean my hair is mostly blonde, which it is not. I'd correct them, saying that it was of an Oak-colored variety. It truly is Oak colored most of the time. In the winter, my hair looks auburn/brown most of the time. I worry if it's going to change forever and I will have lost my only claim to fame. (I like to be dramatic sometimes.) But then summer comes around, and I spend all my time in the sun and my hair does start to turn blonde. Especially the hair in my bangs-- my mom once asked if I had gotten it highlighted. It becomes very vibrant and alive in the summer, and that's when I like it the best.

I feel weird talking about how much I like my hair, but it's not like I have anything to do with it. It's there, and I happen to like it. I think the reason I haven't been turned off by my red hair like most redheads tend to do is because I didn't get the entire package. I don't have the skin of a redhead in the summer. Sure I get really pale in the winter, but I don't get sunburned and tons of freckles in the summer. I actually get a little bit tan. Sure, I have my share of freckles, but not nearly as much as would be expected.

So, the moral of the story today is that I enjoy being a redhead.

this is a haiku
today instead of a post
nothing else to write.

holy cow. i'm going to college.

I am getting minorly stressed out, mainly because I have to seriously downsize my posessions and buy new things for my dorm room. I have to move completely out of my room now and into the basement, I have to sort out which clothes I actually wear and which can be given away to Goodwill (or something), and I have to throw away all the crap that has been piling up over the past four years. It's gonna be crazy. But not too crazy. I know once I get settled in at college I'll be fine, and I know that I will never have not enough stuff for college, so I'll be good. I'm just a little nervous. I think the fact that my room is like a clothes-explosion makes it harder for me to focus. I haven't unpacked or done a load of laundry since I got back from Tahoe, and I'm running critically low on clothes. I'm pulling out the backup wardrobe.

But I have like 4 weeks to do this, so it won't be too bad. And I have more Cheerio time ahead of me (5c, anyone?) so that will be a relief. I can escape the stress there for a little bit.

I don't really have anything great to say.

Oh yeah, I need to shower. Badly.

sad face.

Okay. You guys know me pretty well. And if you don't, just look in the archives and I'm sure there's a post about what makes me cry. Two in particular that I want to concentrate on today in this post are: 1) when other people cry; and 2) when animals are in distress (i.e. the turtle commercial). That said, here's my post.

I cried a lot today when watching Whale Rider (the movie with Keshia Castle-Hughes). My mom was leaving to go somewhere and needed to tell me something, but the timing couldn't have been worse. Keshia had just given a tear-filled speech, so you know my eyes were tear-brimmed, and all the whales just got beached, and I paused it while one was dying. When mom asked what I was watching, I answered (in a shaky voice) "Whale Rider..." and then she said "Are you alright?" and then I burst out in a sobby cry "All the whales are dying!" I couldn't handle it. It was too much. It was like the volvo turtle commercial to the n-th degree. I just cried and cried and couldn't stop. I was a mess. It all ended up okay and I felt like it was a good cry. My mom has decided that I need to be an animal rescuer when I grow up. I might cry to much to have that job.

I was worried when I randomly bought Whale Rider that it wouldn't be good. I think Emmy told me it was good, and I saw it at Blockbuster when I was making a random, mass, pre-college DVD purchase so I thought why not? So I kept asking my family if they'd seen it or heard about it or wanted to watch it, but they had no feedback so I just took the chance and watched it. I'm glad I bought it now. It's one of those good movies that doesn't have a typical storyline or stereotypical characters or anything. It was really good. So even though it made me cry, it also made me happy. I felt restored or something randomly cheezy like that.

So the moral of this story is that I thought Whale Rider was good and I'm glad that it is a part of my College DVD collection. the end.

welcome to august

as well as some sort of summary of the summer. (haha. summary, summer, summer-y)

This was pretty much the most jam-packed of any of my previous summers. (I've only been home for 2 out of the 10 weeks of summer so far!) Each activity was different and great in its own way. I had a chance to interact with my different types of friends on all levels. Lets start from the very beginning (a very good place to start) :

Cheerio. What can I say? I love those people so so much. Spending six weeks with them was better than I could've asked for. I was sad to leave them, but my Cheerio family is one that will last for a long time. I will see these people again, and I am sure of it. And I wasn't as sad leaving Cheerio this particular year because I have to get ready to have fun in college, and I can't be sitting there being sad to leave these good friends when I know I'll meet more fun friends and a ton of them are going to be there anyway.

Week after Cheerio (at home). I spent practically every day with my MA friends, which was so much fun. We all know we'll be leaving each other for college, but we know we'll visit each other and keep in touch, and that those are not just empty promises. This hanging out for a week helped me get over Cheerio, too, because I wasn't going from being with fun people 24/7 to being completely void of their presence.

Hawaii. So beautiful and so wonderful to spend it with my extended family. We haven't had a get-together like that in a while, and Hawaii was the perfect setting for such an occasion. Going from such structured and non-stop action at Cheerio for so long to the complete antithesis at Hawaii with no responsibilities at all was a little weird to get used to. As was seeing the entire family there together again. Reestablishing our family dynamic with everybody there at the same time (almost) and all a lot older was a little bit odd for me. I was in a weird mood at the beginning of the trip randomly, but once I got over that mood, that silly reestablishing thing didn't really make sense anymore. But you guys have been with me long enough to know how much I overanalyze things. To a fault. So, yeah. Can I just tell you how beautiful Hawaii was? Our condos were in such a chill environment... you stepped outside of our door to the pool and then a few feet away was a small beach. We didn't have to pack up and make a big trip to the beach all together, we could just wake up whenever we wanted and lie around all day. (lay? lie? who knows.) SCUBA was fun, but I expected to see more sea life than I did. Turtle Town? Come on. I think I heard someone call it Turtle Ghost Town. Eh, whatever. It was fun being under the sea for a while. It just so happened that the dives that us kids decided to opt out of were the best ones. Hawaii was awesome.

Mountain Lodge (Tahoe). I like to make this analogy to people who are familiar with Cheerio-- Cheerio : Cheerio Adventures :: Young Life Camps : Mountain Lodge. They took away our watches and waited until the last possible minute to tell us our activity for the day. I ended up with some sort of minor injury from each day (if you count sunburn as a minor injury). After an obstacle course (kinda) at Donner Lake, we went kayaking on the Truckee. Jill and I managed to stay in our Kayaks the whole time until we reached the second half of the very last rapids. I ended up with three scrape/bruise combinations on one half of my body, one of which made it hard to sit down (if you catch my drift). The second day, hiking, left my feet a bit achey and my muscles a bit sore. But the view from Castle Peak was definitely worth it. The third day, on Tahoe, I don't really count as an injury. My elbows and arm muscles hurt from tubing, but we all know how that goes. The fourth day was definitely the most injury-prone, what with Mountain Biking and Boarding. Just general soreness came from Biking- a result of my low cardiac fitness, I'm sure. Boarding produced minor scrapes all over my body as well as a seemingly bruised tailbone. It definitely hurt a lot that night. The last day, Friday, was the most fun, I think. We jumped off a little cliff into freeeeezing cold water and then walked up the river to this gorgeous natural pool where we jumped off the cliffs some more and tried to dam up the river (which was cold and was probably snow a few days before). We managed to blow the record out of the water. I was so sad to leave Mountain Lodge. I only knew 10 other people (boys, no less) going in, but I became close friends with all of the people by the end. Bonding with the people on such a deep and spiritual level left me so sad when I left. I mean, honestly, what are the chances I'll see these particular people from Arizona and California again? Slim to none. Except for Joe, who's going to App. So. I said I'd summarize Tahoe but it's proving harder and harder to leave things out. It was amazing. I wish I were still there. But I'm excited to keep going with my life, because I know I'll meet cool people like that at more YL things I do in the future. The end of this part of the story.

And now I'm home. I have to unpack and do laundry and weed out all of the clothes I never wear before and move my stuff to the basement and pack for college and all that fun stuff. But it's going to be fun because I'll be in college. Yayy!!

Ok. The end.

short post from an internet cafe in Maui!! Hawaii is great- scuba diving and lying out and general fun things of that nature. up next is Tahoe! I'll be back on August 1st, guys, so don't get too depressed.

xoxo
emma

there's that thunder again

I'm not very good at packing. I pack too much or too little, and I don't have very good suitcases. It's hard to pack for two consecutive and quite different vacations. Hawaii and Tahoe require different clothing. It's also difficult to organize with a duffel.

So this weird thing has been happening to me lately. I'll think of random poetic lines that describe what is going on around me. For example: fireflies. One time they looked really pretty at Cheerio so I thought of a random line for a poem, but I never want to finish the poem. I'm not a poet so I would ruin the moment if I tried to capture it. Same with pictures. I'm not a photographer so I spend more time being frustrated that I can't capture the moment than I do actually appreciating the moment. Then I listen to John Mayer and it makes me feel happy again. 3x5... I'm hearin' ya, John.

I think this has been happening because of my lack of mental outlet. I'm so used to blogging that I get a bit weird without it. Musings with Emma at camp was kindof like blogging, but I had to make it funny and I had to edit it and it had to be about stuff that everybody can relate to. It was still fun, though. Sometimes it sucked and nobody laughed and I felt like a loser, but other times it was fun and I made people laugh (which was my goal for the summer).

I am ready for college. I'm ready for the experience. Good or bad, over or underrated, boring or exciting, scary or tons of fun, or a mixture of everything, I want to experience it. It's weird, like my mind hasn't settled on the fact that things are going to be different next year. This step seems so natural. I always imagined it as some far off and distant land which will be totally new and scary and different. As it's gotten closer, I've realized that's not the case. It's just the next step in my life. And my bestest friends that I have right now won't be too far away. And I'll make new bestest friends. Because it's inevitable. Yay!!

now that's what i call a chaco tan

Thunder in the mountains sounds so much deeper.

and now for some musings...

And I'm back.

I have been since Saturday, but my mind has been running too fast to be able to sit down and post. Now that my room is clean and it's cloudy outside, I can finally calm myself down. It's hard to concentrate with a room that still needs to be cleaned.

Cheerio aftermath hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Shmims suggested it might be this way because we are about to go off to college; we can look forward to meeting more people and having fun. I ditched the GSW reunion (which was also the last day of Cheerio) mainly because I didn't want to try and shove my Cheerio feelings aside that quickly. And also because I didn't miss everybody that much to pay $20 to see them. Everyone says that Gov's School is the best summer of their life, but they've never experienced Cheerio. Or any camp, for that matter. I also ditched the reunion because I was too emotional and tired. I came home and upon realizing that my new swimsuits weren't exactly the right size, I just sat on my bed and cried. I needed a nap (n^2 and stargazing on the last night kept me up too late) but I really needed to get unpacked. So I dumped everything in my room and have been tripping over it ever since. But today it's clean, thank goodness.

So. Cheerio. It was wonderful. I love all of my friends there and had the most wonderful time. There are many inside jokes, but I'll leave them like that- inside. It had its hard times and awkward times right along with the awesomely fun times. I'm really glad I got to get paid to have so much fun. I also enjoyed the campers- being used to 12-year-olds all summer, I was nervous about having the 14-year-olds, but it was just as much fun. The girls were great.

It's hard to write everything down. So I won't. Let's just say I'm sad to be gone but glad to be back. "To everything turn, turn, turn..." you know.

Surprisingly, I've been hanging out with my friends every night since I got back. This week just so happened to work well for everyones schedules, so we're all free to just chill. It's really awesome. I'm looking forward to Hawaii and Tahoe, too.

Ok, now I'm just rambling. Too much to say, not enough to say about it all, not enough attention span.

e-haus is where it's at.

I love camp. This summer is so far ridiculously awesome. Except we kinda have mean girls in our cabin, but they'll be ok. They like me so they listen to me. Too bad they might've stolen my CIT's iPod. One day at a time is what I say. Other than that, they're just normal twelve-year-olds who are a little selfish. Twelve-year-olds are the new thirteen-year-olds. It's true.

In other news, my feet are the tannest part of my body. My chaco tan makes it look like my feet are just dirty. but it's really tan!

I like porch time. We get to sit out on the porch of our cabin and stay up late while our campers sleep, and one counselor has to be on the porch at all times. When I'm not making prank calls to my porchmates' friends or writing silly Camper Development forms, I'm off visiting everybody or checking my email. We have some seriously fun times. But when we can't go off porch, we never really get any visitors. Eh, what can you do.

I'm blogging in my free period because I'm bored! yay!! I'm going to go lie on my bed.

love,
emma

This place is so ridiculously gorgeous. I can barely take in the gorgeous view. It astounds me every day. A picture would not even do it justice. Nothing except seeing it in person works. The lights are so small and the mountains are so vast and big and blue and the clouds are so flat and, when the sun goes down, they look like cotton candy. The trees are accented by the fluffy cumulous clouds and the green grass looks even greener. I can't really describe it, but I love it more than anything else in the world right now.

The stars are so beautiful, too. Campout night was awesome, just sleeping under the stars and looking at their beauty. I woke up at like 3 AM and put on my glasses and appreciated it for like 2 seconds and then fell right back to sleep- content that I witnessed the beauty. I wanted to get my star map, but people made fun of me. That doesn't normally stop me, but I was tired. Star map or no star map, the stars are so amazing. Awe inspiring.

With views like these, how can we blame it all on science? There has to be something more. Galileo, I agree.

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! happy birthday to meeeeeeeee.... happy birthday to me.


the big 1-8. w00t!

bloop bloop bloop

I'm on my free period so I thought I'd type. Umm, but there's nothing to say.

Lifeguards are the elite.

Belaying is awesome.

Molly-Meredith Burkhart is swinging on a chair.

It doesn't make sense, see? I'll update later.

Emma Refvem- Iroquois
Camp Cheerio
1430 Camp Cheerio Road
Glade Valley, NC
28627

write to me. don't be bashful. i swear i'll write back. seriously.

Tomorrow until July 9th, kids.

my valedictory speech.

"Hello Everyone... like, honored guests and all that... (goldwasser's note: you botched that one...)

Vanilla Ice once said: 'Alright stop, collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. Turn of the lights, and I glow. To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal; light up the stage and wax the chump like a candle.'

Just kidding, I won't make you sit through Vanilla Ice. Here's my real speech.

You know how everyone goes home saying that they're going "back to their roots?" Well maybe there's more to that saying than we initially realize. I personally used to cringe at the thought of having only one place to stay my entire life. Roots are stuck in one place and don't really allow for much exploration. But when I got to thinking about it in AP Biology class one day, I realized that there is a whole lot more to this whole root analogy. Mr. Bodnar was talking about how the roots are essential to the survival of the plant. Instead of listening to Mr. Bodnar, I started thinking. Roots are where the plant gets its nutrients; home is where we gather what we need to go out into the world. Whether we want to admit it or not, we listen to some of the advice our parents give us. Roots anchor and support the plant; home gives us a place to fall back on when our plans don't turn out exactly the way we intend. Home grounds us, but also allows us to grow and change and go out into the world. Mount Airy is where the class of 2005 has roots. This high school will be the foundation for the rest of our lives-- we've learned so much in its dilapidated walls. For example: I learned from Mr. Dickson some excellent hand exercises to use on long essays, from Mr. Bretz that plants are the dominant organisms and that squashes are, in fact, sexy. From Dr. Dobbs I learned that aluminum is really spelled with an "i"-- to be pronounced "aluminium" and from Mr. Bodnar that I learned that I definitely do not want to be a possum on his front porch. From Mr. Castillo I learned that "a picture is worth a thousand words" and Mrs. Gray taught me how to "factor that rascal." I'm sure we all remember the quadratic formula from Mrs. Martin's nifty song. By now I think that we've finally learned what we're actually allowed to wear to school and also that our new superintendent has quite a good sense of humor. I learned when to avoid the Library and exactly where the senior parking line was drawn and how to run up three flights of stairs in one minute to avoid getting a tardy and which lunches to avoid in the cafeteria. More importantly, I've learned the value of true friendships. The ones that will stick by you while ignoring all of the ever popular "drama" that seems to plague high schools are those that will be valuable forever. No matter how suffocated and trapped we may feel here, Mount Airy has filled us with pieces of our personality that will ground us and support us and give us the motivation we need to grow and go out into the world. No matter where our paths may lead- to explore the far off corners (editor's note: pronounced "carners" at graduation b/c i was distracted by someone yelling to let tereka know that he was there.), to defend our country in the military, to become a vital link in the work force, to expand our knowledge even further in college or even to become rock stars-- we all have this common ground here in Mount Airy. No matter how much we may change, the knowledge we've attained here will be the connector that allows us to hang out just like no time has past. So, Class of 2005, be free! Explore the world and find your niche while you are young. Always remember that, even if you don't want to ever see this place again, Mount Airy is your foundation and will always be a part of you. Congratulations. Holy cow guys, we made it!"


i said all of that- including the vanilla ice. matthew welker told me he'd pay me five dollars if i did it, but i was like "i don't need the five dollars. i'm gonna do it anyway." i had told people i would do it, but then i decided that i really wanted to lighten the mood or something so i did it. goldie was freaking out in her seat b/c she thought i had changed my whole speech. hehe.

a bit of third person for your liking

Emma had been wandering around her house for days with nothing to do. Nothing at all to do- at. all. She had a sinking feeling that she should be doing something, a remnant of the feelings that plagued her for the entire school year. If she really would sit down to think about it, she would see that there were no deadlines and no responsibilities because this is summertime. So she watched some Dawson's Creek and wandered around the internet for a while before deciding to trek over to North South street for a while.

Peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich in hand, she made the journey to Bray's Recapping service for multiple reasons. One had to do with the fact that her oil needed to be changed 6 or 7 hundred miles ago and her car had recently been making sounds that would alert any normal person of certain demise. The other was just a routine tire-rotation. So she dropped it off at the friendly and somewhat podunk mechanic's and walked up to deliver the yummy lunch to her starving mother at the high school. She then hung out with the English teachers for a while whose respective demeanors had taken a drastic change for the brighter since the end of school less than 24 hours ago at the time.

The next hour was spent sitting outside of Bray's, talking to whichever mechanics happened to stop by. Dean Bray then made conversation with her for a while, friendly and reminiscent of how small-towns are usually stereotyped. Her experience with this stereotype wasn't negative; in fact, she realized the charm of small towns in that moment. She considered getting angry about the ridiculous wait she was experiencing, but then realized that she had nowhere to be and nobody to get mad at since most of them seemed honestly sorry to be taking a while. Plus, nobody likes an annoying customer. For that one hour, it didn't really matter that she might be late coming home which might make her sister have to take on the driving responsibilities presented by Jill and Charlotte's need to be in Pilot.

She wasn't late, much to the joy of Kate, and ended up making the trek to Pilot and back. At about 4:49 she started on her way to Chile Verde to meet up with her Senior Leader friends for one last dinner get-together before they all parted ways for the summer. It was a fun dinner, they sat outside so they could be as loud and free to talk as they wanted. It's fun times like this that she will miss about her Senior year. Not all of the silly drama and ugly homework, but the fun and carefree hanging out. She unfortunately had to cut out early on the hanging out- missing the trip for ice cream in favor of going to SCUBA class.

The class itself wasn't bad, it was being underwater in that dirty, dirty, disgusting, nearly vomit-inducing RCC pool water that really got to her. Only one more class and 4 quarry-dives to go on until she can finally be set loose to explore tropical waters, though. Once at home she wrote some thank-you notes and ate some delightful raspberry pie while anxiously awaiting the announcement of our 2005 American Idol. Carrie Underwood it is! She knew it all along. Her faith in this "country girl with heart" was never shaken. Sure, the rocker could've won, but it just seemed unlikely. The votes previously grabbed by Vonzell would surely go to Carrie. She wasn't that attached to this season, though, because it came on during the timeslot of Gilmore Girls. She does owe her alliegance to House somewhat to American Idol, because House came on immediately after the singing extravaganza and she'd watch it with her family. Ahh, Primetime TV. It takes a little planning, but optimal viewing experience can be obtained.

She now sits at her computer and thinks about the joy she will be experiencing in T minus 6 days when she will be at Cheerio. But first she has to get through Graduation- a monumental task indeed.

i don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go

I'm sure there are better ways I could be spending my summer evenings, but right now I'm filling them with boredom and aimless internet browsing and watching the Bright Eyes video for" First Day of My Life" with tears in my eyes because it makes me so happy and depressed all at the same time. I passed the window of opportunity for hanging out with my friends a couple of times and I guess I could've called them myself but I lost the motivation and decided to make it a night in by myself. Me, myself, and my trusty computer. All I need on a good, bored night. You know what I do to take up the boredom time? I write my valedictorian speech. I make additions and practice it and get depressed that it probably won't be any good and nobody will like it and then I don't care and then I read it to Kate or somebody and then I feel better. I've done it like twice. As long as I don't go down in history as the worst valedictorian ever, I think I'll be just fine. As long as my class doesn't blame me for ruining graduation, I'll be fine. At this particular moment in time, I'm happy to be graduating. The glory of high school is fading quickly and the benefits of being at Cheerio and all that stuff are quickly gaining favor in my brain. I'm just in a depressed mood I guess. I get in those sometimes. Like, I'm too tired to attempt going up to my bed and falling asleep, and I'm sure nothing good is on TV so I'd rather just sit down here and type stuff. And listen to music. Like Bright Eyes. And Damien Rice. Talk about mellow and depressing- you oughtta try "Blower's Daughter." Holy cow. Hmm. I think I'll go listen to some of that sad music now. Adios, amigos.

time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.

What's weird is that time can go on and on without anybody really noticing. We start off with our best-laid plans that take into account the amount of time each step along the way will take up. Each action is planned to the minute, but then the action actually starts taking place and we forget all about it. Before we know it, time is up. One minute we find ourselves anxiously awaiting the beginning of the processes, and the next, it seems, we are done with it all and are looking back on how it all fell together. Rarely are we aware of time actually passing during the time when the action is taking place- because we are caught up in doing. I find this to be true for most of the events in my life. The down-time between things is spent contemplating if and when and how everything's going to work out, but then all of a sudden I find myself at the end. Like now. It seems like just a moment ago when I was wondering if I would actually survive through the AP Bio exam. And now look at me- I'm about to graduate and I survived. I'm here getting ready to have one heck of an awesome summer and school is the last thing on my mind. Senior year flew by, but I guess I'm glad. It means I was having fun. And I guess it didn't really fly by, it just seems that way because I've had the same classes all year. Who knows. I was doing so many things that I forgot to be aware of the time passing. Now the time between now and graduation should feel like nothing at all, if my logic is right.

I'm out of high school! I have no more classes until graduation! Now I'm going to be lazy and computer-y until Cheerio because I won't be lazy the whole rest of the summer. I think I'm going to watch some movies and sleep outside and do random lazy things like that. I'll keep you posted on my progress as a lazy person.

you know what sucks?

one-ply toilet paper.

On to other things, steel wool is a very interesting thing. I mean, seriously. Who thought of it? And who were the geniuses at Brillo or wherever that decided to also add soap? I bet one guy in the olden days was tired of scraping baked on veal off of his pots so he got his blacksmith friend to give him his extra metal shards which he had his wife weave together so he could clean his pots more thorougly. Little did he know that his simple idea would catch on and dishes-doers everywhere would employ the use of this tool to scrape off rice from pans. The problem with steel wool is that it rusts. One barely gets enough use out of the small pad before it rusts away and one must replace it with another from the box. I actually just keep using the rusty ones, I just choose to ignore the rust. Just like I'll eat a moldy piece of bread if I cut off the mold first. It's really not that bad. This is coming from the least germophobic person you know. I think my lack of concern for germs is what gives me a good immune system. So even if I did get rust on my dishes, it wouldn't phase me. Though that is helped by the shot they gave me in the arm in 6th grade for Tetanus. I knew those things would come in handy one of these days.

P.S.- envelopes officially taste ridiculously bad. just in case you didn't already know.

I don't feel like writing a lot.

I like the smell of skunk.

Weird, I know.

But, still.

are you sirius?

Today is the kind of day on which even the wind blowing in my windows on my face annoys me. After coming to the realization that my high school days truly are coming to an end, and after realizing that I have to keep working on that silly speech for which I lost motivation already, and after lamenting on the fact that yearbook signings are great but then get old after reading them a billion times trying to recapture old feelings, and after staring at a dead pig for an hour and a half, I just got a little depressed. It is as if there was some sort of drug in the food at Shikora Express. I definitely feel drugged. All that condensed air must have had some effect on my health because I also feel kinda cruddy. Yearbooks make me sad because I realize how many good friends I have. One wouldn't normally associate this realization with being sad, but for some unrationalizable reason, I was sad. I also get sad when I think about leaving these friendships behind. MAHS will go on without me. I just need to remember that there is a natural uncertainty when in a transition phase. We are uncertain of what lies ahead, so we cling to what is familiar and what makes us happy right now. I certainly am, at least. One familiar thing that will make the transition much easier is that lovely place we like to call Cheerio. Seriously, how much am I looking forward to this summer? A ridiculous amount. So, yeah. I need a nap but I think I'll just go to bed early or something.

this is unexpected.

I would be the last one to expect me to be thinking like this, but whoa. I have 4 days left of my high school career. I am graduating. Just the mere thought makes me tingly.

I am sad. I like hanging out with people, and this always happens to me right before I'm leaving a place. I start hanging out with more people and I wish that I could stay forever to keep hanging out with the cool people I've met. Some small part of me wishes, despite the suckiness of high school, that I could stay for a little while longer. If all school were like these last two weeks without work or responsibilities, I would enjoy it so much and never want to leave. I am also sad because the class of 2005 will never be all together like this again. Spontaneous hangouts with these folks won't happen because we're all going off into our new lives. The senior trip was the epitome of great high school hanging out. Everybody was there, practically. We all set aside most of the petty annoyances and just hung out. I sure am a sucker for hanging out.

I am happy. My whole life is ahead of me- many new excitements and adventures and down times and boring times and so much more are awaiting me around this next huge corner. Cheerio is coming up and then college with my favoritest friends and so many new people to meet. So I'm more excited than I am depressed. Because I like all of my MA friends, but I'm not ridiculously attached to anyone here. I have my good friends, but they've made it easy enough to be okay with leaving. And of course I'll make visits to people because visiting is so much fun.

the phone isdead: yea, it's kind of werid
the phone isdead: *weird
the phone isdead: but really exciting. the way i figure it, hey, we had a good run. if i never see you again, i enjoyed it. i hope you have a great rest of your life and are successful in all that you do. let's move on.
the phone isdead: the proverbial "you"

here's lookin at you, kid.

The sad thing about senior year is that it is a year of lasts. My most recent last was my last piano lesson, which took place yesterday. It is an odd thing- leaving something that has been a part of your life for so long. I've taken paino for at least 10 years. That's 10 years' worth of wednesday afternoons at Mrs. Paul's house that are now officially in the past. 10 years' worth of forgetting to do my theory homework and "facing the music" when I didn't practice. Mrs. Paul and I have been through a lot. She can tell when I've not practiced, and when I'm in a bad mood and don't feel like playing well. She knows my potential and knows that I have good fingers for trills and huge chords and that I can handle odd rythyms. I've been going to her since I was a tiny third grader whose hands could barely stretch to reach an octave, and look at me now. My hands can stretch a few notes over an octave and I am a big 12th grader. She knows that I have to hear a song before I can play it properly, as opposed to my sightreading sisters. Hmm. So it was sad for me to say goodbye to the regularity. Now I have decided that I want to keep playing piano on my own. I want to have a piano in my house and be able to sit down and play songs that I like when I have my own home someday. I want my kids to be able to grow up hearing the piano being played (because I certainly will be making them take lessons when they're able). Playing songs relaxes me. Plus, I can't just let all of these years go to waste.

I think I'm going to go play some piano.

"emma, isn't this show about you?"

The best TV shows get cancelled after one season. The ratings-hungry networks don't want to invest the time to let the awesomeness of the show sink in. Freaks and Geeks is one such show. Full of character and insight and humor, the show was cancelled after the one glorious season. Now its silly comebacks will be forever immortalized in a DVD box-set owned by the few loyal fans gained before its untimely fall. While watching it today in Ms. Shelton's class, I longed for the days when good shows were on television. By good shows, I mean ones that weren't so full of themselves and didn't have to have boatloads of drama like on the ever popular OC, or tick-tock suspense like 24, or scandals and horrible singers like American Idol. Good shows make some insight into normal, everyday life. I think it has something to do with the lighting as well. The shows that haven't been as popular all have the same lighting. Hmm.

Some shows fall victim to the vanity of their stars, caught up in the possibility of greater stardom. Most celebrities don't want to be tied down to a sitcom and/or television show their whole lives, they want to branch out into the big screen. Case in point: Claire Danes on My So Called Life. That show was full of charm, but Claire felt like she could make a better career by leaving it in the dust. Ms. Danes, if only you knew how great the show could've been, if only you'd stayed a little bit longer.

Some shows fall victim to the unfortunate time slot in which they are placed. Joan of Arcadia is a show that I enjoy very much, but I'm honestly never home on Friday's at 8:00 anymore. If I am, it doesn't happen often enough for me to be involved with the show. CBS still hasn't moved the slot, though I wish they would change it to a weekday. I would certainly watch it religiously as I did when I didn't have a social life back when it first came on. Countless shows have been cursed by the evil time-slot, many of which I am not even aware.

But then the question arises: Are you so sure the show would've been as great had it stayed on the air? I honestly think that some shows fulfilled their purpose in the short spots they were aired. It's like a really long movie- a short glimpse into the lives of the characters, but not too much of a glimpse. The show was given just enough time to shine before we saw it burn out. Which is why I am sad that they are no longer airing these shows, but why I am so glad that I have the ability to purchase them on DVD and forever be able to partake in the wonderfulness.

i promise i'll post after my last AP exam is finally over, which is tomorrow.

3 exams down, 1 to go.

Florida is sunny. Also, I like taking pictures from underneath trees.

a change in direction

"With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God remake you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed."
- Romans 12:1-3 (J.B. Phillips translation)

This was at the center of Cleve's talk at quest tonight, and it really hit home for me, especially now. A ton of things have been going on-- things are swirling around in my head and I'm having a hard time sorting them out. I've come to a few resolutions, and I am going to state them (or at least one) here.

My blog has strayed from its usual emotional connectedness. I avoid the deep, hard topics in favor of lighthearted ones that are easier to write. I want to go back to being true and forgetting my audience.

I don't like thinking about dating. I am not the dating type. I don't like knowing what is going on in other people's romantic lives. It depresses the hell out of me. I am more the marriage type. I know this will probably be hard to understand, but I don't think that I would want to date any guys at the maturity level which my peers are experiencing. I am not the "hooking up" kind of girl. I don't even know what that entails. So until boys stop searching for a "hook up," I will be enjoying my life without all the shallow drama. I want love, not lust. I am not made for lust. Nobody is, really. I just think that I want to be out of the relationship loop until the maturity level is right. It will give me so much time to focus on much more rewarding and fulfilling things. Dating is not where I find my fulfillment. That is not to say that I regret my dating past. I don't at all. If anything, it helped me a lot with my viewpoint. I don't have any regrets in my life at all up to this point, and that is something I'm proud of.

It's a really great thing when walls break down between friends and you can sit down and talk about true things to each other because you have trust in each other and just honestly need to share thoughts. It is quite liberating. A talk such as this led me to part of my previous semi-epiphany.

I'm not allowing comments so you guys can let my words and only my words soak in so you get the whole meaning from me.

i am a very crazy kind of person.

Sometimes I feel friendless. Sometimes I feel too emotional. Sometimes when I sit down to write down a friendless emotional blog, I get ideas for my valedictorian speech. What a weight off my shoulders. All I'm saying about it is that you guys will be excited to hear it. I'll make a draft to post after graduation if you can't make it or something like that. Get pumped.

So now back to teenager-ing. I just get really insecure when it comes to friends. I have a lot of them. I just don't have a place to fit in when they group off sometimes. Like none of them are strong enough to last through college or something. It's as if they will slowly fade into aquaintances in the future. I love hanging out with all of them, but once college comes, nobody will be all together in the same context. We will all have our separate lives weighing on us, and our separate futures streching out before us. I don't hang out anymore because I don't have anyone to do it with. I can't keep going down to Hickory to see Shmimms and my roomie for next year Megan all the time because I have stuff to do in town, but I would surely do it if I could. College is the place for me. It might not be all that I'm expecting, but surely it will be a place where I will make friends and they will be in close proximity to me. That's all I'm asking for. Basically, right now, I'm just depressed that I don't have any hang out friends because I'm going to bed early all emotional and with Death Cab stuck in my head. It'll leave me in one of those awesome/depressed moods all weekend.

Hmmph. I wanted to be in a poetic mood but all that poetic energy left when I decided to save my topic for the speech. Romantic comedies exacerbate my already crazy hormonal levels. Silly me.

Happy Earth Day!

I think this is the first time in my high school career that I've had a consistent amount of a lot of homework. I knew it would happen one of these days, and now that it has happened, I must say that I'm glad. Some days I do it all. Other days I just don't do it and somehow I skip by the homework checks and all that. The only thing about not doing homework is the guilt trips. Teachers are pretty good at that. As students are getting apathetic in response to the stress of AP exams, I'd say the teachers are getting angry. It's even getting to Mrs. Gray. I swear, every class keeps saying things like "wow, we only have like 2 weeks guys, it's getting down to the wire." The senior trip doesn't help much, but no teacher has been fully successful in guilting the seniors about it. We won't feel bad about going on this trip. It's only potential college credit.

Celebrate your earth! Recycle, reduce, reuse... and close the loop. That's how it goes. Don't shower as long. Carpool if possible. Turn off electronic devices when not in use. Don't drive hummers. Plant a tree. Go tree hugging. Things of this nature. Haha, nature.

a long post for your enjoyment.

And so. Seeing as how I haven't had a post of much substance in a while, I'll do a bit of updating. Main things that have been happening to me are stress-related. Teachers are becoming hardcore because AP exams are imminent, but I'm stepping up my game along with them. I don't mind doing a ton of Calculus problems. As long as I have the mindset to do that ton. The problem is finding the motivation. My battle with senioritis has been a tough one up to this point, and it's not getting any easier. I just lazy myself around all afternoon, wandering aimlessly around the internet, forgetting that I could be doing many more substantial things with my time. I hate having things looming over my head, like Rockafest. I just hate feeling guilty when things go wrong. I tried to shirk the responsibility onto Alex but it didn't work. Somehow the responsibility got shirked on me last year in full force, but I can't do it myself to anyone else. I'm not a good delegator. Stupid ENTJ personality- always trying to take charge and do things for myself. But it will be over next week and there will be a concert involved. Any time a concert is involved with things, it makes it ten times less annoying. It's like the dessert after suffering through... some bad meal. (back in the old days I would've said Chile Verde- the kind my mom makes- but I like it now. silly tastebuds.)

Speaking of concerts, the Jump concert was the best thing that's happened to me in like forever. Ok, that's exaggerating a lot, but what can you do. Seriously. The opening act- Ross Golan and Molehead- was really cool. Rap rock. We all thought it was Matt from J,LC at first, but it was just Ross. I met him after the show. Maybe he was just really nice, or really liked me, or was drunk, or all three, but I liked him. It's fun meeting artists. Because they like meeting fans. If I didn't have a curfew, it would've been nice to stay and chat w/ J,LC. Ciest la vie. So, yeah. Then Jump came on and I was ridiculously excited. Because this is the first band I've seen where I heard their CD and memorized the words before seeing them in concert. Holy cow. Jay's voice just melts into your ears. And Matt's awesome stage presence and multi-instrumental skills are just that- Awesome. And then there's way cool Ward. And then there's Johnny and Evan- the lovable geeks. When "Mexico" came on, I just absorbed the energy and loveliness of the song and was the happiest I've been in a long time in that moment. It was inarticulately great. Not overwhelming or overrated, just simple and happy.

The thing that made the concert fun, too, was the atmosphere. Jump fans are friendly. Govies are lovely. MA people are chill and great. Hanging with Jill and Brett and Brad on the way down was fun. Even though my back hurt from carrying my purse all day and I had to lean on Randy and Zack and feel like a Grandma when I kept having to sit down, it was still fun. The music was just as good when I couldn't see it. I wasn't tired, though I'd been up for a while and school had exhausted me, I was just happy. I wasn't overanalyzing anything or thinking about the future or about the past, I was living in the moment.

I'm gushing about things and you guys are probably bored and probably stopped reading and aren't even reading this right now, but I just had to express my happiness. Other events that went on this weekend included my trip to Carolina. In short, it was a good immersion process- I got to get a small taste of what next year will be like and I liked it. I saw a random Cheerio friend (Lucy Page) in the class I visited, and hung out with Seg and Frances, and talked to some students and a professor about the academic part. It was a good experience. A college day well spent. There was also a Slushie and Sugar Glyder concert on Saturday, which I attended after earning $17 at a babysitting job. It rocked. I purchased new shirts from both bands. The new Slushie song is quite good.

Sorry. This post was too long. I need to post more regularly so I don't mush it all into one hard-to-digest post. But, yeah. So this weekend was good. Life is good, albeit busy.

numba one spot

My work has paid off. I am officially making a speech at the 2005 MAHS graduation as the Valedictorian. No longer will I have to worry if I made a 95.5 or a 95.45 and how much of an impact it would have on my standings. No longer will I have to totally freak out when I have a bad grade. Whether it was because of APMT or not, I have retained my number one status all throughout my high school career, and it is something of which I am proud. Now I have to worry about making my speech terse and entertaining and memorable. I'll worry about that after AP exams. I'll get input from everybody and try to make it the best I can. Who knows how it'll be. Only time will tell. Haha, I'll get really far if I use cliches like that in my speech. ell oh ell.

Any ideas?

separation anxiety.

where is my brother willy?
i miss mi coche billy.
will took my car,
and went very far-
now doesn't that seem kinda silly?

internal conflict.

My feelings are all over the place these days. All of them are strange and they're all mixed together. The good ones overwhelm my body and then the bad ones come and try to take over but then I remind myself of the good ones again. It all equals out to a really interesting balance. I don't have just one thing sucking in all of my energy, it's equally balanced between two or three or four extremes. Nothing requires immediate action or all of my attention, so it is easy to separate out my time. I have more schoolwork, but I allow myself more time to do it. I have to crack down on my piano playing for recital, but I just practice. I like watching some TV every once in a while, and so I set aside time to do it. I dunno. It feels nice.

The warm weather helps a lot too. Not the hot stuff, or the cold stuff. Just the springy warm stuff. It's fun.

a little post to let you know i'm still alive. hehe. just a bit swamped with other things and thoughts.

playgrounds are funnn

Folks: Yesterday, I made history. For the first time in my life, I did a pullover on the pullup bar! It was crazzyyyy. Back in Elementary school (when it was still called Elementary school), I'd always have to get people to push me over and/or spot me. Not tonight, guys. I did it all by my lonesome, with my own muscles! It pumped me up so much.

So, yeah. Instead of YL, we played on the playground at J. J. Jones. It was tons of fun, especially bringing back all the old memories. It's weird how a place can do that to you. I remembered lining up on the slide. And then it reminded me of how I pictured the slide in "The Giver" as the one on our playground. I guess that's another blog to write about- how I picture things in books from my own memories and stuff.

I like swinging and taking pictures. Though it's hard to take pictures while people are swinging, I like doing that, too.

This blog should've been better. But it wasn't. I'm sorry. I've let you down.

Haha, "you." I never picture my audience whilst writing these posts. I feel like it ruins my integrity or something. I have a "blogger" person in my head that I write to. Like another facet of my personality.

I'm weirding myself out. I'm too scatterbrained. I need to go read some Faulkner.

lucky me!

Best thing ever happened today.

Let's start from the beginning.

Saturday night, I babysat. In the midst of a windstorm the likes of which hasn't been seen in any place I've been at any time in my life. Typically, when I get my money, I quickly stuff it in my pocket or purse or in my pants somehow. Quickly, so I don't get embarassed-- under the table dealings and all. That night was no exception. The only abnormal part in my departure was my trek across their lawn to retrieve my sweatshirt that was still in the house. It was a hasty trek, so the loss of my money was somewhat inevitable. I didn't realize that my money was not there until a thorough search of my (quite messy) car. I immediately did what any self-respecting, somewhat poor high school girl would do-- I took my sister's car back over there to sneak around their lawn to see if my money was there. When I thought I'd lost the money forever and it must be somewhere in my car, I went back home and searched the Corolla once again, to no avail. I then took Kate's car back to their house because I thought I'd look again and maybe it would be easier this time. I think at this point, I was somewhat crazy. Once again, my search was futile. And the dog started barking. I gave up and sunk into fits of despair over the loss of potential music (that I could've bought with the moolah). After telling people of my misfortune and lamenting over how much I wanted to punch the wind in AP Bio, I gave up most of my hope.

Most is the key word in this sentence. While on my way back from purchasing gas in Cana at a rate 13 whole cents cheaper than North Carolina prices, I decided to stop by the house and just check to see if it might be somewhere. I noticed a hill, the height of which did not allow for the dispersal of my money to the great beyond. I saw other trash in its slopes and I got my hopes up, since the wind was blowing in the direction of the slope on Saturday night. But a suspicious man in a white SUV was looking very dubiously at me in my car, so I decided that I might as well give up. Mom offered to go back with me and stand guard against the skeptical parents, so I thought "What the eitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks... I'm going." And we did. I looked around the house first, because the money might have been stuck in a nook and/or cranny that my eyes previously skimmed over. When nothing was there, I moved to the hill. Mom was doubtful-- suggesting that a construction worker (since the house is in a new development, there are houses under construction) would certainly pick up any money lying around. I was beginning to finally lose all hope when, there it was-- poking out from the twigs of a shrub about 10 feet up on the hill-- my precious twenty dollar bill. With a shout of glee and giggles of joy, I informed my mother. She couldn't believe it. The chances were so slim! The only thing to do was look for the ten and five that I suspected would be nearby. Mom spotted the ten, lying in a puddle. Oh the glorious luck! Upon picking up the ten, my eyes wandered to another puddle, and what else could it be but the five. The set was complete!

I was overcome by a feeling of immense joy and I couldn't stop laughing for a while. I mean, what are the chances. Seriously. After two days, even! So, not only am I $35 richer, but one of my crazy shennanigans actually worked out! They usually don't. My hopes are usually dashed and I just go on living. My creepiness was rewarded. If that were a gated community, I'm sure I would've been arrested. Or at least forced to explain myself.

Go Heels!

Sea of Faces

by Kutless

I see the city lights all around me
Everyone's obscure
Ten million people each with their problems
Why should anyone care?

And in your eyes I can see...

I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine

Sometimes my life it feels so trivial
Immersed in the greatness of space
Yet somehow You still find the time for me
It's then You show me Your love

And in your eyes I can see...
And in your arms I will be...

I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine

If only my one heart
Was all You'd gain from all it cost
Well I know You would have
Still been a man with a reason
To willingly offer your life

I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine

Just one in a million faces

today.

When the sun shines in my window on these sunny- yet alarmingly cold- days, I am left to lie on my bed and ponder the meaning of life. I lie on my back looking up at my artificial night sky- remnants of my childhood obsession with things that glowed- that independently added enchantment to my seemingly boring, popcorn ceiling. My thoughts wander from the superficial to the ridiculously philosophical to the meaningless to the abstract. And then I am awakened sharply by the call of nature- my bodily systems and responsibilities bring me back to earth. I enjoy Saturdays like these. No responsibilities loom over my head because, for the first time in a long while, I know I will have the dedication to finish them all on time without any stress. And, despite events that loom over my head, I'm okay. I'm sitting here, pondering things, and I am okay. I'm confident in who I am and where I am going. I wander around the house in a state of content, bittersweet resignment. I tickle the ivories in a sort of detatched way- my fingers are moving and the notes are there and I can hear them but my thoughts are other places. I watch movies but don't have enough energy to invest myself in other people's lives, so I drift off into a restful nap. I wake up on my own time, rested and still in that lovely foggy state of mind that usually follows waking up. Tears of change lace my eyelids throughout the day, occasionally dropping in response to the knowing glance of my sweet, intuitive mother. Mostly, they stay at the edge, held in by the knowledge that they will soon not be needed. I walk barefoot out on the cold driveway, small signs of spring being crushed under my footsteps as I walk to check the post. What is in the mailbox? Nothing. But it's not a depressed nothing- it's the thoughtful kind of nothing. The kind that makes me look down the road at the beauty that lies past its tree-lined curves and sudden surprises. I look on and sigh. Future. What a silly thing to worry about. Today. That's all there is. My life is full of todays.

As my future draws near, and as my life begins to take shape, my mind starts acting in weird ways. I start getting an itch to be free of all restraints. I want my future to be here right now! I knew it would happen to me, because it's happened on a small scale throughout my life, but I think I've built up too many idealistic thoughts of what my life is going to be like and I bet there will be many disappointments if I try to keep to that path. But, then I start thinking that life would not be much fun if I had low aspirations. Isn't the whole point of having a youth all about reaching for lofty goals? I think so. Anyway. So I start wanting to spend as much of my youth discovering many nooks and crannies of life and the world before I have to settle down. And it's not like I have to settle down if I don't want to, but I think that's what I want to do once I've figured out enough of what life is all about that I can share it with someone and then teach my kids some of what I've learned. I don't want to follow the typical path that everyone takes without figuring things out on my own. Establishing myself somewhere, in something, so that I can be independent if I need to. I don't want to be driving my kids to soccer or something all the time before I've spent some time bonding with the world and seeing things from a different perspective. I feel like a lot of people just follow the rules and then get to the middle of their lives and realize that they wanted something more before they trapped themselves in.

For me, experiences are so much richer when I can just be caught up in experiencing them with no other cares. I don't think about savoring it, and I don't obsess over a trivial thing that I would regret later, when looking back on it. The best experiences are those which, of course, are wholly experienced in the moment.

Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Life is confusing.

i got into duke! w00t! my rival school. for what it's worth, i'm pumped. it's like i won some sort of contest. yipeee! [still going to carolina (just for clarity)]

peace corps!

yay future.

Whilst watching Trippin' last night on MTV, I was overwhelmed with an urge to travel. If I don't travel to remote places any time in my life, I will hate myself for it. Which is why I'm even more sure that I want to be an environmental scientist. It opens up so many opportunities for travel. I can see the world! I can help it in some way! I really like that show, too, because they seem so down to earth. There is no drama that goes along with regular reality TV shows, it's just like you get to see cool people go to really cool places and do really cool stuff. It makes me want to go camping really badly. Camping is so much fun. So is hiking! Oh, man. I can't wait for summer. Because I'll get to spend time outside, at least, and when we go to Hawaii I can try to go to more remote and less touristy places. That would be awesome. And I might get to see some animals. I love animals. I must go to the zoo this spring. Definitely.

charlotte, stop watching friends.

In homage to the last day of spring break, I will give you a little recap. It probably won't be too long, haha.

Friday, March 18
-Chess Club fun times after school.
-Hitch at Creekside w/ mi madre.
-Ocean's 12 w/ Chess Club boys.

Saturday, March 19
-Watched Almost Famous by myself
-Babysat Georgia and Matthew Chapman. (watched Thirteen at their house after bedtime)
-Kate came home.

Sunday, March 20
-Church.
-Kate went home to Boone.
-Quest (bigger and better... fun times)
-Jill, Charlotte, and Dad came back from the swim meet.

Monday, March 21
-Laziness. Never left the house.

Tuesday, March 22
-Got all dressed up at possibility of Winston shopping trip, but it never materialized.
-Went to Cookout and Wal*Mart instead.
-Mom came home from LA (visiting Will)

Wednesday, March 23
-Nothingness and reading IM. (a lot of my time was spent procrastinating IM and debating whether or not I had time to read Michael Crichton.)

Thursday, March 24
-Reading some more.
-Hung out with the new Doctor and his family who were in town for the week.
-Talked to Ash on the phone for like an hour. First time I've hit the hour mark on a phone conversation. I'm proud of myself.

Friday, March 25
-Went to Kath's b-day party @ Subway. Yayyy birthdays!!
-Watched Passion at the church.
-Did my IM questions.
-Saw Hostage with JEP.

Saturday, March 26
-Early morning shopping trip w/ the family
-Rented Jurassic Park and I <3 Huckabee's
-Watched them w/ the family.

Sunday, March 27
-Easter Sunday! Church!
-Dinner w/ some of my parent's friends.
-Tillman came home (yay!), and we hung out with Evan and Emily.

Monday, March 28
-Kate made me an egg and cheese biscuit. Yummmmy.
-Shaved my legs (haha... it's a momentous occasion)
-Watched Being Julia
-Cleaned up the room a bit.


So that was my Spring Break. The times I wasn't doing that stuff, I was watching TV, aimlessly dinking around on the internet, compulsively checking what little away messages were on, and moping around. I did a lot of moping. But it was restful moping.

We're into the home stretch now, kids. 8 more weeks till I'm outta there!

spring shopping!!

As is tradition some time in the springtime, my family went on a shopping trip to get some clothes for spring/summer. I have a ridiculous amount of t-shirts and short sleeved shirts and I also have a pair of jean capris and khaki capris and khaki shorts so I really only needed jean shorts to complete the set. Shopping is always hit-or-miss for me, never in between. Sometimes I can't shake the initial bad mood I get when shopping that I get every time. If I don't shake it, I usually can't get good clothes. Or I give up too soon. If I do shake it, I'll usually find some really awesome stuff. This one was definitely a hit. I got some slightly dressy shirts/blouses so I don't wear t-shirts every day for the rest of the warm weather. I also got a shirt at Old Navy that was really really cute and it made me so happy. I also got some faded blue shorts that were the same style and material as my favorite khaki shorts, so they can take the place of any jean shorts I would get. I love the 5 inch inseam. It's my favorite kind. And then I got a linen skirt to wear in the summer. It was a size too big, but you can always make big things smaller. I also got some capris. Jean. They were a different style from the ones I had before, so I only slightly overlapped there. So now I have more outfit possibilites for the summer. But seriously, who am I kidding? I work at a summer camp. I will be wearing t-shirts the whole time. No joke.

As boredom sets in, different functions start taking over my body. Whatever adrenaline I run on during the school week is completely drained. Chalk it up to atrophy. Can your adrenaline funcitons atropy? Let's just pretend that they can. So I am overly lathargic. I start repeating actions, expecting different results. Technically, that is the definition of insanity; I won't go that far. I'll go from walking around the house, watching a few TV shows, and looking (to no avail) for something to eat to compulsively checking away messages and email and comments. I desperately search for some trace of any life or activity anywhere I can. But it just ends up in disappointment. Along with my lack of adrenaline comes a lack of a need to hydrate myself. I won't drink because I'm not thirsty because I don't do anything. Therefore, when I stand up from long periods of little to no movement while watching TV, I black out. Sometimes enough to make me fall over. It's probably unhealthy. I've gotten used to it. Another thing that comes along with no activity or social contact comes the decreased impulse to shower. I'll wait until it gets to the point that I'm surprised at my state of filth. Then I'll take forever to shower (so it will take up time). It's a very theraputic practice.

The biggest thing that comes out of boredom is the increased brain activity. I have time to just sit and think things through and let things sink in. I wish I had more time when school's in session because I think I'd remember more of the stuff. I'd take it to the philosophical level. I've been doing it so much this week. Topics ranged from my insecurities about being valedictorian- how I can picture myself being like 35 and when people ask me why I think I'm smart, I'll tell them I was a valedictorian and then they'll laugh at me because it's my only claim to fame. All from watching part of a rerun of The Missing Link. Things like that. It doesn't drive me crazy, but it occupies my time. A good thing about having time to think is that I took my time reading Invisible Man and doing the questions. Now I can get a little bit of a head start on Light in August if I want to. This way, I'll feel like I'm on top of the game as opposed to feeling like I'm hanging on by a thread.

Anyways. All I'm trying to say is that I've been through so many levels of boredom that it can only go up from here. Oh, and also that AIM sucks during spring break when everybody's gone.

journal-esque

I've started to keep a journal unlike any previous ones in my lifetime. The lack of structure or expectations is the driving force behind said journal. I just write thoughts. Sometimes it's coherent- other times just random thoughts. I started this sometime in the midst of my monumental spring break boredom, and it helps tame some of my crazy thoughts. It's a lot like my blog, but easier because sometimes I don't think linearly. I like doing that web thing- where you just write an idea and circle it and then go off from that idea and so on and so forth. It's how I took the Svi Shapiro notes at GSW. Someone called it creative. Sometimes people say things that I do are creative but then I start thinking that I'm not really that creative and it makes me sad. How does one know if one is creative? I'd say I'm imaginative, but I don't know if that's the same thing as being creative. Eh, I dunno.

Shorter posts as boredom sets in.

aaaaaaah

the post that was there is no longer there. 'twas just a simon and garfunkel song. and my thoughts. but, whatever. at least the text wrap is back! why was my blogger freaking out so bad? i'm glad it's back to normal.

sorry about that.

half of the time you're gone

and you don't know where, you don't know... where.

I think my work ethic doesn't exist. I honestly can't bring myself to actually do anything unless I don't think about it until I'm already in the zone. Like, had I thought about cleaning my room, it wouldn't have been done. But I didn't think about it until I found myself folding laundry. My reading, on the other hand, is a conscious effort. I really need to read something. It doesn't matter what, exactly, just something. I usually wait until the last possible moment to sit down and do the stuff. I go outside on the hammock, intending to put a dent in the schoolwork, but it never works. I end up sitting and thinking about life and nature. Which isn't bad, don't get me wrong, it's just not what I need to be doing.

I like thinking about life when I have nothing else to do. It lets me sort things out. That's why I think I'll always be able to maintain some sort of sanity throughout my life- they always say that people who pray are less stressed out. They also say that introspection leads to a healthier lifestyle, all around. If you think about what you're doing, you're probably less likely to continue doing harmful things. Personally, when I go for days without actually thinking things through, I'll go a little bit crazy. Then I take a little extra time sorting everything out. Writing it out makes it a lot easier, too. I'll just follow my brain where it wants to go, letting me talk out all the bits floating around in there so I can be clear and able to think more clearly.

Sometimes I wish I had better posts. Most of them are too journal-y. Eh, I'm not too worried about it.

nostalgia.

I remember growing up in the country of California- a free spirited little kid who would wear white stretch pants and white turtlenecks and white keds just because she hated jeans. A little girl with a probably much too vivid imagination with about a billion imaginary pets. A little girl who grew up in the company of her siblings instead of "fast friends." A slightly hippie child who always seemed to be outside.

The time that I didn't spend outside, I spent inside ruining a lot of the stuff I owned. Not in any big sense, I'd just make small alterations to clothes and toys I had so that I would still be able to wear them, they'd just make me feel a little bit yucky knowing they weren't new. That happened to a lot of my stuff. I really hated some of the clothes I made myself wear; the only clothes I can remember involved something about how they made me feel weird. When I look back at kids today, I wonder if they have those crazy outfits that they hide from their mom behind nooks and crannies in their room because they stuffed them there while pretending to clean. I wonder if they have that pair of shoes that they, at one point, decided would look much better with a bit of nail polish on them. It's hard to describe those memories, because they are so weird. I can't quite verbalize the feelings elicited by those weird clothes.

Another thing that goes along with the old days is the cramped feeling created by a constantly messy room. When my room isn't messy, it's usually cluttered- it has been my whole life. Call it my pack-rat nature, my inability to follow through on initially ambitious plans to thouroghly clean out my room, or just general laziness, but it's always the same. Many of my childhood memories involve messing things up so that they had to be cleaned again. The only time I never had to clean up was when I was outside. Perhaps that's why I played outside so much. You can't really mess up nature in the same way you can mess up your room. The messy room thing has another facet by which it influenced my need to be outside. I always got some weird feeling hanging over my head when I'd be in my room- like I was supposed to be cleaning it. When I was outside, I'd be free of the confines of my stuffy, psychologically damaging room and as well as the stuffiness of the rest of the house in general.

That's why I like spring and summer so much. They allow me to be outside in the big room that I can never mess up. I can sit in a hammock and listen to the wind blow in the trees and smell the fresh air. All this glory as opposed to sitting in my always-on-the-edge-of-being-messy room breathing the stuffy air that's been recycled through the vent a billion times listening to the sounds of everyone else doing something mundane.

If you wanted to, you could connect it to my feeling of responsibility for keeping the environment clean. It's different than cleaning a room, it's like preserving something that has been integral to your development since childhood. I honestly can't imagine a day when I'd rather be in my room than outside.

You know what I really want? A messenger bag. Like, a mid-sized denim one with embroidery or a leather one or something that looks kind-of worn out, or at least not new and store-bought. I wish something like that had been in my family for a while so that it would be truly vintage. I have a purse like that (my rainbow one) but it's almost breaking and not big enough to hold a notebook or something. I feel like I'm going to need one this summer and next year at college. I mean, I bet I'll need a real backpack (and yes, I'm referring to them as backbacks again like in the old days) for carrying around various things, but I want something to use on lighter days.

On another note, babysitting for a rocker's kids is really fun. Jerry Chapman's basement is full of way cool stuff. LIke a billion CDs and tapes and records (some autographed, like by the Donnas and stuff) and cool worn out guitars and fun stuff like that. He had a small but high-quality DVD collection. I couldn't choose which movie to watch, but I finally decided on the way depressing "Thirteen."

Missing someone is weird. It's like you wait around to talk to them or hear their voice and then you savor that one little bit of time that you interact with them and then it's gone and you're right back to missing them again. It's augmented in my case by the fact that none of my family is home. Mom's in CA. Dad, Jill, and Char are in Huntersville for a swim meet. Kate is in MA, but hanging out with KJ or something. So I'm stuck at home by myself to watch too much TV and not read Invisible Man. And not practice piano. But it's Spring Break. So I have a little leeway.

If it were spring, I would be outside sleeping or something. In a tent. How fun would that be? It's too cold. Darn it.

road trippin'!!

The driving portion of the Refvem Family still living at 667 Cross Creek drive went on an excursion for lower gas prices. Thankfully we didn't drive an excursion, because we would have killed like 8 ducks and 4 trees at least on the way there. Because of high emissions and low fuel economy. We did drive the Yukon XL- probably just as bad. Average economy of 15 MPG. Yuck. But, yeah. We drove up to Cana for 8-cents-cheaper-per-gallon glory. I was running on fumes, personally, so this crazy road trip couldn't have come at a more opportune time. Three Refvem cars in line up the highway into VA. 'Twas quite an experience.

I like snow days because I do fun things by myself. Like Cathe Strech-Max. And view movies such as Almost Famous and the end of High Fidelity on Comedy Central. And not change out of my P.J.'s. And eat "brunch" and "linner" and "multiple snacks in between." And look forward to a weekend at my house by myself. I mean, alone. It should be fun.

coolllleegge

So. Big news in Emmaland, everyone! I got a scholarship to a state school for $10,000- something with the State Employee's Credit Union- so that means I'm committed to attending the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill this fall. I'm ridiculously pumped. My mind is working better in bullet form today, so here we go!

• The Environmental Science program at Carolina is really good, so I'm excited about the possible majors and discovering what I really want to do after formal schooling has ended. They have good programs for study abroad, too, I've heard, so that's a good thing.
• I can now be a sports fan and justify it, haha. I won't feel bad or anything and now I can include myself in discussions about Basketball and stuff.
• I'm ridiculously glad that I didn't have to decide by myself which college to attend, it takes such a weight off that I didn't make the decision myself. I'm so indecisive that I would probably end up regretting my choice at some point down the line. Because the scholarship decided it for me, I can just chill with that being the deciding factor. I mean, it will still be cool to say that I got into the other colleges (if I did, haha). At GSW, I was kindof mad that I didn't get to choose because I didn't like the classes offered, and sometimes I got jealous of GSE kids, but I think that scenario is a little different.
  
• The scholarship along with the already monumentous difference in price between Carolina and the private schools takes the big financial burden off my back. I hate feeling like I'm being a financial burden. Money makes me weirded out. Now I don't have to worry about it.
• I used to think it was weird that there would be a lot of people I know there, and I didn't like that thought. Now I couldn't really care less. I mean, College is so big that I won't have to go out of my way to avoid anybody. So that's not a problem with me anymore.
• I'm glad that I finally know for certain where I'm going. And that it was so stress free! Now when people ask where I'm going, I can just say "Carolina!" and leave it at that! It's so simple. Much easier than "Well, I got into Carolina but I haven't heard back from the other schools so I don't know yet." That opens the big can of worms with questions like- "If you got into all four schools, which would you go to?" And then that takes a while to explain because I don't really know. My thought processes are weird.

So, yeah. That's crazy. My future is no longer unstable. I know exactly what I'm doing for at least another year. Here goes the list of stuff coming up in the life of Emma: Spring Break. Senior Prom. Senior Trip. AP Exams. Graduation. Cheerio. Hawaii. Tahoe. College @ Carolina. Hooooly cow. So definitive! So crazy!

In other news, I got a lot of sleep last night and feel a billion times better than I did Sunday night/Monday day. This past weekend was hecka awesome. Friday was chill. Tillman and I watched Starsky and Hutch. It was pretty lighthearted and funny. I liked it. Saturday I got to sleep in, hang w/ Char Char and her friend Katye a little, go to the recycling center, hang with Shmimms!!, get first place in the Talent Show (without the use of an inhaler... haha. couldn't help it. it was mean, i know. sorry.), and hang w/ Shmims and Courts and Tillman. Sunday was church- Sunday School at the Methodist and big church at the Presbyterian to hear Char Char sing. Shmims and I watched a little Garden State, then a little Slushie practice, then she went home and I spent the day sitting on my lawn reading IM and writing a poem. Then I got stressed out and felt poopy, as you saw. I spent too much time on my procrastinated IM and Calculus AP sheet, both of which I could have been working on all week, that I didn't have time to study for AP Bio. Bad move. So Monday sucked because I was tired and stressed and annoyed and fed up with school. Monday afternoon was ok, and YL was awesome and sleep was awesomer. I'm getting better at planning out my afternoons. Not as much computer time does the trick.

Are my posts too long?

there are reasons why i never cuss. because it makes it that much more effective when i decide to do so. there are also reasons why i try not to procrastinate. because it sucks. that said, i just have one thing to say:


i feel like shit. complete and utter shit.

jumbled masses

the bright, sunny day
disappears in a moment
the gentle warmth
conceding
to the jumbled masses

jumbled
as they clutter up the sky
replacing the blue
with the gray

masses
that absorb the warmth
from my toes
my once happy toes

stealing the day
that the earth-child
loves

those selfish
jumbled
masses

6 days late...

Happy Belated 2nd Anniversary, blog. You've been there through the tough times and the crazy times and the happy times in between. Where would I be without you? In an uncommunicative ditch, most likely. Or in a constant state of writers block. Or something.

index card

Flowers make me happy! I carried one around in my nalgene all day today, after the NHS induction ceremony. It smelled good. I drank from the same reservoir of water from which it drank, also. Which is an awardly worded way to say that I drank flower water. Hopefully it wasn't pesticide water. That would be a bummer, seeing as how I would probably die or something. But I trust my faithful flower.

Everyone said that I stole the flower and that I am a bad person. But I didn't really think it was stealing because I bet they just took them from the yard out in front of the gym and I bet they were going to throw them away anyway. Another excuse I used had to do with the fact that I don't think you can really steal a flower. I mean, it's a part of the earth. Mother nature would want us to share. There are flaws in my assumption, of course. Technically, gold and other precious minerals are a part of the earth. Also, as Jacob Martin pointed out, I would become very sad if someone decided to steal my flower from me. Mrs. Hutchinson stated it the most blatently that it was a selfishly kleptomaniacal way of justifying stealing. She didn't use that wording, but whatever. We all had a laugh in Chess Club.

Things associated with spring make me happy. They put me in a good mood. Especially if these things smell good, haha. I wonder if I'm going to be sad when spring is over. Probably not. Because summer is fun too.

Technically, I broke a lot of rules with this daffodil. I'm not allowed to have water, let alone an open bottle, let alone with a stolen flower in it. But I had it open on my desk in Earth Science and it made Ms. Watts smile. That's what they do! They have that affect on people. I mean, Mrs. Martin didn't even stop me in the hall when she saw it. Craziness.

If I were a teacher, I would have a flower on my desk all the time because they are so pretty. Sometimes I think I should get my teaching degree so I can do cool stuff with my room and be a fun teacher. Who knows. I might get to do that kind of stuff when I'm in graduate school. Or maybe I won't go to graduate school and I'll just become a really cool cool teacher who has flowers in nalgenes.

So, today's NHS inductions were fun. I got to speak in front of a lot of people. These people told me I was a good speaker. It made me happy. The bad thing about the ceremony is that Jim Harrell turned it in to an assembly about politics for about 30 minutes. Silly politicians. Goldie and I agreed that even when we like them they always make it about themselves, no matter what they're supposed to be talking about.

It was a good Friday, overall. I'm pumped about this weekend because Shmimmy is coming and the Talent Show is tomorrow and I have to do a crap load of English and Biology stuff. Haha, that's the bad part. But, whatever. It's all goood.

my head hurts.

My thoughts are so scattered lately. Not that I have so much to think about or anything, it's just that I can't allow myself to concentrate on any one thing for too long. So I'll be doing a billion things at once. Like, right now, I have about 6 tabs open in my browser window. It's too much stuff! I'll be reading one thing and it will remind me of something else and so I'll open up a window to see it. Liiikkee... geez. I just did it. I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I've been having too much caffeine or something. I feel kindof jittery, too. I actually think it might have something to do with sleep deprivation.

I really am starting to get over senioritis, I think. I find myself wanting to do homework instead of sitting on the computer, especially when I get a good blog done. I think that's my problem. I put off blogging for aimless browsing, and then I waste a bunch of time without getting anything done. So, when I blog, I feel like I've accomplished something on the internet for the day and I can move on to bigger and better things. I work well when I allow myself time for certain things, like make myself a schedule. Then I usually follow it and everything's groovy.

I have a headache because I've been stuffing too much stuff into it without letting it settle down. What, with school and friends and siblings and weather the talent show and everything that's going on, I can't solidify my thoughts to any one of these things. So I start forgetting stuff. I think I'm going to alter my schedule so I can watch the previous day's Daily Show at 7 and go to sleep earlier. Especially on Tuesday nights, because of Campaigners.

I'm kindof rambling. I wanted to say something short and succinct that would get across my point but I'm not doing a very good job of it. I think I'll just list some of the feelings that are in my brain.

Frustration.
Exhaustion.
Cluelessnes.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Anticipation.
Boredom.
Satisfaction.

I just need some relaxation. I think I'll do that. My temporary ADHD is getting on my nerves. Nothing is of any substance anymore, I feel like I get more and more superficial every day. But not "fake drama queen" superficial, but that nothing really gets past the surface; I'm stretching myself too thin. Instead of things feeling substantial and worth something, they feel light and like they could float away, if that makes any sense.

It's a dangerous thing when spring fever sets in on someone who already has senioritis... hang in there! Don't let it get to you...

Oh, Dad. He knows me too well! I went rollerblading after school today. I can't stop doing handstands. I wore my chacos and capris today to school because it was sunny with a high of 75 (to quote some relient K). I'm addicted to the feeling of spring. I'm also addicted to the feeling of graduation. Hmmmmm yeah.

Today was a good day. YL was funn! I'm more flexible than I thought, haha. Silly silly times.

my new favorite thing: handstands.

root beer times root beer equals beer.

My life is good nalgene has officially been inducted into the "Emma's Nalgene Hall of Fame." I dropped it down the stairs. He doesn't have any battle wounds, to my knowledge, but I still consider him inducted. I'm still sad at the loss of my Pico/Slushie nalgene that was so carelessly lost by Jill at some point during swim season, but I think the addition of this L.I.G. one from Mom has made up for the loss. It's always good to have a wide mouth and a narrow mouth because sometimes you just want to be able to dring it really fast, which is easier in narrow mouths. Also, sometimes you want to put ice in it or have ease in transporting liquids, which is when you rely on your trusty wide mouth. Poor Cindy, my narrow mouth, is quite scarred. But she's still surviving, thankfully.

I think the best thing about Nalgenes is that they have trained me to actually drink water. I used to never ever just drink water unless I was parched or exercising. Now I drink it throughout the day, and I feel more hydrated. I used to hate the taste of water but now I enjoy drinking it even when I'm not thirsty. I don't mind having water with meals now, which pumps me up because soda isn't great all the time. Water makes me feel good and refreshed. It's quite refreshing.

Another drink I've started to really like lately is juice. I mean, I was never conscious of my juice affinity before, I guess because Mom rarely buys juice to just be in our refrigerator. Recently she has kept the juice well stocked, so I've been enjoying Cranberry Wild Berry and Berry Blends juices. I really like pineapple juice and V8 splash, too.

While we're on the topic of new things I like, I'll bring up Yogurt. Because I've been eating a veritable s-load of it lately. I used to not be able to finish a whole Yoplait in one sitting, but now I can eat one for breakfast and then for lunch again sometimes! It helps you burn fat, but I guess that doesn't work for me since I don't excercise. I guess I need to get back on the ball with that.

I really like exercising when I don't do it too much and I don't feel guilty about not doing it. Does that make sense? Like, if I randomly remember to excercise, it makes me feel good. But when it turns into an obligation and I feel bad for not doing it, I don't like doing it. I think I'm going to row for a little while tonight, just because I can. Unless it's too cold. Then I'll see if Mom has some good excercise tapes to do. She sold Tae-Bo and our Yoga tapes on eBay, which I would have stopped had I not been in an anti-exercising mood. Rowing is great and all, but I'm not so sure I want beefy arms. Haha. "Beefy arms" looks funny written down.

So does "hypocrisy."
cellar door.

You know what's cool? Stream of consciousness.

irony, shmirony.

3 days in Matty and Leslie's "Philosophy of Science" class with some of the brightest science students in all of North Carolina spent discussing why the sky is blue, and I found out the answer in about 3 seconds on a commercial for girl scouts. Life sure is funny.