today.

When the sun shines in my window on these sunny- yet alarmingly cold- days, I am left to lie on my bed and ponder the meaning of life. I lie on my back looking up at my artificial night sky- remnants of my childhood obsession with things that glowed- that independently added enchantment to my seemingly boring, popcorn ceiling. My thoughts wander from the superficial to the ridiculously philosophical to the meaningless to the abstract. And then I am awakened sharply by the call of nature- my bodily systems and responsibilities bring me back to earth. I enjoy Saturdays like these. No responsibilities loom over my head because, for the first time in a long while, I know I will have the dedication to finish them all on time without any stress. And, despite events that loom over my head, I'm okay. I'm sitting here, pondering things, and I am okay. I'm confident in who I am and where I am going. I wander around the house in a state of content, bittersweet resignment. I tickle the ivories in a sort of detatched way- my fingers are moving and the notes are there and I can hear them but my thoughts are other places. I watch movies but don't have enough energy to invest myself in other people's lives, so I drift off into a restful nap. I wake up on my own time, rested and still in that lovely foggy state of mind that usually follows waking up. Tears of change lace my eyelids throughout the day, occasionally dropping in response to the knowing glance of my sweet, intuitive mother. Mostly, they stay at the edge, held in by the knowledge that they will soon not be needed. I walk barefoot out on the cold driveway, small signs of spring being crushed under my footsteps as I walk to check the post. What is in the mailbox? Nothing. But it's not a depressed nothing- it's the thoughtful kind of nothing. The kind that makes me look down the road at the beauty that lies past its tree-lined curves and sudden surprises. I look on and sigh. Future. What a silly thing to worry about. Today. That's all there is. My life is full of todays.