i got into duke! w00t! my rival school. for what it's worth, i'm pumped. it's like i won some sort of contest. yipeee! [still going to carolina (just for clarity)]

peace corps!

yay future.

Whilst watching Trippin' last night on MTV, I was overwhelmed with an urge to travel. If I don't travel to remote places any time in my life, I will hate myself for it. Which is why I'm even more sure that I want to be an environmental scientist. It opens up so many opportunities for travel. I can see the world! I can help it in some way! I really like that show, too, because they seem so down to earth. There is no drama that goes along with regular reality TV shows, it's just like you get to see cool people go to really cool places and do really cool stuff. It makes me want to go camping really badly. Camping is so much fun. So is hiking! Oh, man. I can't wait for summer. Because I'll get to spend time outside, at least, and when we go to Hawaii I can try to go to more remote and less touristy places. That would be awesome. And I might get to see some animals. I love animals. I must go to the zoo this spring. Definitely.

charlotte, stop watching friends.

In homage to the last day of spring break, I will give you a little recap. It probably won't be too long, haha.

Friday, March 18
-Chess Club fun times after school.
-Hitch at Creekside w/ mi madre.
-Ocean's 12 w/ Chess Club boys.

Saturday, March 19
-Watched Almost Famous by myself
-Babysat Georgia and Matthew Chapman. (watched Thirteen at their house after bedtime)
-Kate came home.

Sunday, March 20
-Church.
-Kate went home to Boone.
-Quest (bigger and better... fun times)
-Jill, Charlotte, and Dad came back from the swim meet.

Monday, March 21
-Laziness. Never left the house.

Tuesday, March 22
-Got all dressed up at possibility of Winston shopping trip, but it never materialized.
-Went to Cookout and Wal*Mart instead.
-Mom came home from LA (visiting Will)

Wednesday, March 23
-Nothingness and reading IM. (a lot of my time was spent procrastinating IM and debating whether or not I had time to read Michael Crichton.)

Thursday, March 24
-Reading some more.
-Hung out with the new Doctor and his family who were in town for the week.
-Talked to Ash on the phone for like an hour. First time I've hit the hour mark on a phone conversation. I'm proud of myself.

Friday, March 25
-Went to Kath's b-day party @ Subway. Yayyy birthdays!!
-Watched Passion at the church.
-Did my IM questions.
-Saw Hostage with JEP.

Saturday, March 26
-Early morning shopping trip w/ the family
-Rented Jurassic Park and I <3 Huckabee's
-Watched them w/ the family.

Sunday, March 27
-Easter Sunday! Church!
-Dinner w/ some of my parent's friends.
-Tillman came home (yay!), and we hung out with Evan and Emily.

Monday, March 28
-Kate made me an egg and cheese biscuit. Yummmmy.
-Shaved my legs (haha... it's a momentous occasion)
-Watched Being Julia
-Cleaned up the room a bit.


So that was my Spring Break. The times I wasn't doing that stuff, I was watching TV, aimlessly dinking around on the internet, compulsively checking what little away messages were on, and moping around. I did a lot of moping. But it was restful moping.

We're into the home stretch now, kids. 8 more weeks till I'm outta there!

spring shopping!!

As is tradition some time in the springtime, my family went on a shopping trip to get some clothes for spring/summer. I have a ridiculous amount of t-shirts and short sleeved shirts and I also have a pair of jean capris and khaki capris and khaki shorts so I really only needed jean shorts to complete the set. Shopping is always hit-or-miss for me, never in between. Sometimes I can't shake the initial bad mood I get when shopping that I get every time. If I don't shake it, I usually can't get good clothes. Or I give up too soon. If I do shake it, I'll usually find some really awesome stuff. This one was definitely a hit. I got some slightly dressy shirts/blouses so I don't wear t-shirts every day for the rest of the warm weather. I also got a shirt at Old Navy that was really really cute and it made me so happy. I also got some faded blue shorts that were the same style and material as my favorite khaki shorts, so they can take the place of any jean shorts I would get. I love the 5 inch inseam. It's my favorite kind. And then I got a linen skirt to wear in the summer. It was a size too big, but you can always make big things smaller. I also got some capris. Jean. They were a different style from the ones I had before, so I only slightly overlapped there. So now I have more outfit possibilites for the summer. But seriously, who am I kidding? I work at a summer camp. I will be wearing t-shirts the whole time. No joke.

As boredom sets in, different functions start taking over my body. Whatever adrenaline I run on during the school week is completely drained. Chalk it up to atrophy. Can your adrenaline funcitons atropy? Let's just pretend that they can. So I am overly lathargic. I start repeating actions, expecting different results. Technically, that is the definition of insanity; I won't go that far. I'll go from walking around the house, watching a few TV shows, and looking (to no avail) for something to eat to compulsively checking away messages and email and comments. I desperately search for some trace of any life or activity anywhere I can. But it just ends up in disappointment. Along with my lack of adrenaline comes a lack of a need to hydrate myself. I won't drink because I'm not thirsty because I don't do anything. Therefore, when I stand up from long periods of little to no movement while watching TV, I black out. Sometimes enough to make me fall over. It's probably unhealthy. I've gotten used to it. Another thing that comes along with no activity or social contact comes the decreased impulse to shower. I'll wait until it gets to the point that I'm surprised at my state of filth. Then I'll take forever to shower (so it will take up time). It's a very theraputic practice.

The biggest thing that comes out of boredom is the increased brain activity. I have time to just sit and think things through and let things sink in. I wish I had more time when school's in session because I think I'd remember more of the stuff. I'd take it to the philosophical level. I've been doing it so much this week. Topics ranged from my insecurities about being valedictorian- how I can picture myself being like 35 and when people ask me why I think I'm smart, I'll tell them I was a valedictorian and then they'll laugh at me because it's my only claim to fame. All from watching part of a rerun of The Missing Link. Things like that. It doesn't drive me crazy, but it occupies my time. A good thing about having time to think is that I took my time reading Invisible Man and doing the questions. Now I can get a little bit of a head start on Light in August if I want to. This way, I'll feel like I'm on top of the game as opposed to feeling like I'm hanging on by a thread.

Anyways. All I'm trying to say is that I've been through so many levels of boredom that it can only go up from here. Oh, and also that AIM sucks during spring break when everybody's gone.

journal-esque

I've started to keep a journal unlike any previous ones in my lifetime. The lack of structure or expectations is the driving force behind said journal. I just write thoughts. Sometimes it's coherent- other times just random thoughts. I started this sometime in the midst of my monumental spring break boredom, and it helps tame some of my crazy thoughts. It's a lot like my blog, but easier because sometimes I don't think linearly. I like doing that web thing- where you just write an idea and circle it and then go off from that idea and so on and so forth. It's how I took the Svi Shapiro notes at GSW. Someone called it creative. Sometimes people say things that I do are creative but then I start thinking that I'm not really that creative and it makes me sad. How does one know if one is creative? I'd say I'm imaginative, but I don't know if that's the same thing as being creative. Eh, I dunno.

Shorter posts as boredom sets in.

aaaaaaah

the post that was there is no longer there. 'twas just a simon and garfunkel song. and my thoughts. but, whatever. at least the text wrap is back! why was my blogger freaking out so bad? i'm glad it's back to normal.

sorry about that.

half of the time you're gone

and you don't know where, you don't know... where.

I think my work ethic doesn't exist. I honestly can't bring myself to actually do anything unless I don't think about it until I'm already in the zone. Like, had I thought about cleaning my room, it wouldn't have been done. But I didn't think about it until I found myself folding laundry. My reading, on the other hand, is a conscious effort. I really need to read something. It doesn't matter what, exactly, just something. I usually wait until the last possible moment to sit down and do the stuff. I go outside on the hammock, intending to put a dent in the schoolwork, but it never works. I end up sitting and thinking about life and nature. Which isn't bad, don't get me wrong, it's just not what I need to be doing.

I like thinking about life when I have nothing else to do. It lets me sort things out. That's why I think I'll always be able to maintain some sort of sanity throughout my life- they always say that people who pray are less stressed out. They also say that introspection leads to a healthier lifestyle, all around. If you think about what you're doing, you're probably less likely to continue doing harmful things. Personally, when I go for days without actually thinking things through, I'll go a little bit crazy. Then I take a little extra time sorting everything out. Writing it out makes it a lot easier, too. I'll just follow my brain where it wants to go, letting me talk out all the bits floating around in there so I can be clear and able to think more clearly.

Sometimes I wish I had better posts. Most of them are too journal-y. Eh, I'm not too worried about it.

nostalgia.

I remember growing up in the country of California- a free spirited little kid who would wear white stretch pants and white turtlenecks and white keds just because she hated jeans. A little girl with a probably much too vivid imagination with about a billion imaginary pets. A little girl who grew up in the company of her siblings instead of "fast friends." A slightly hippie child who always seemed to be outside.

The time that I didn't spend outside, I spent inside ruining a lot of the stuff I owned. Not in any big sense, I'd just make small alterations to clothes and toys I had so that I would still be able to wear them, they'd just make me feel a little bit yucky knowing they weren't new. That happened to a lot of my stuff. I really hated some of the clothes I made myself wear; the only clothes I can remember involved something about how they made me feel weird. When I look back at kids today, I wonder if they have those crazy outfits that they hide from their mom behind nooks and crannies in their room because they stuffed them there while pretending to clean. I wonder if they have that pair of shoes that they, at one point, decided would look much better with a bit of nail polish on them. It's hard to describe those memories, because they are so weird. I can't quite verbalize the feelings elicited by those weird clothes.

Another thing that goes along with the old days is the cramped feeling created by a constantly messy room. When my room isn't messy, it's usually cluttered- it has been my whole life. Call it my pack-rat nature, my inability to follow through on initially ambitious plans to thouroghly clean out my room, or just general laziness, but it's always the same. Many of my childhood memories involve messing things up so that they had to be cleaned again. The only time I never had to clean up was when I was outside. Perhaps that's why I played outside so much. You can't really mess up nature in the same way you can mess up your room. The messy room thing has another facet by which it influenced my need to be outside. I always got some weird feeling hanging over my head when I'd be in my room- like I was supposed to be cleaning it. When I was outside, I'd be free of the confines of my stuffy, psychologically damaging room and as well as the stuffiness of the rest of the house in general.

That's why I like spring and summer so much. They allow me to be outside in the big room that I can never mess up. I can sit in a hammock and listen to the wind blow in the trees and smell the fresh air. All this glory as opposed to sitting in my always-on-the-edge-of-being-messy room breathing the stuffy air that's been recycled through the vent a billion times listening to the sounds of everyone else doing something mundane.

If you wanted to, you could connect it to my feeling of responsibility for keeping the environment clean. It's different than cleaning a room, it's like preserving something that has been integral to your development since childhood. I honestly can't imagine a day when I'd rather be in my room than outside.

You know what I really want? A messenger bag. Like, a mid-sized denim one with embroidery or a leather one or something that looks kind-of worn out, or at least not new and store-bought. I wish something like that had been in my family for a while so that it would be truly vintage. I have a purse like that (my rainbow one) but it's almost breaking and not big enough to hold a notebook or something. I feel like I'm going to need one this summer and next year at college. I mean, I bet I'll need a real backpack (and yes, I'm referring to them as backbacks again like in the old days) for carrying around various things, but I want something to use on lighter days.

On another note, babysitting for a rocker's kids is really fun. Jerry Chapman's basement is full of way cool stuff. LIke a billion CDs and tapes and records (some autographed, like by the Donnas and stuff) and cool worn out guitars and fun stuff like that. He had a small but high-quality DVD collection. I couldn't choose which movie to watch, but I finally decided on the way depressing "Thirteen."

Missing someone is weird. It's like you wait around to talk to them or hear their voice and then you savor that one little bit of time that you interact with them and then it's gone and you're right back to missing them again. It's augmented in my case by the fact that none of my family is home. Mom's in CA. Dad, Jill, and Char are in Huntersville for a swim meet. Kate is in MA, but hanging out with KJ or something. So I'm stuck at home by myself to watch too much TV and not read Invisible Man. And not practice piano. But it's Spring Break. So I have a little leeway.

If it were spring, I would be outside sleeping or something. In a tent. How fun would that be? It's too cold. Darn it.

road trippin'!!

The driving portion of the Refvem Family still living at 667 Cross Creek drive went on an excursion for lower gas prices. Thankfully we didn't drive an excursion, because we would have killed like 8 ducks and 4 trees at least on the way there. Because of high emissions and low fuel economy. We did drive the Yukon XL- probably just as bad. Average economy of 15 MPG. Yuck. But, yeah. We drove up to Cana for 8-cents-cheaper-per-gallon glory. I was running on fumes, personally, so this crazy road trip couldn't have come at a more opportune time. Three Refvem cars in line up the highway into VA. 'Twas quite an experience.

I like snow days because I do fun things by myself. Like Cathe Strech-Max. And view movies such as Almost Famous and the end of High Fidelity on Comedy Central. And not change out of my P.J.'s. And eat "brunch" and "linner" and "multiple snacks in between." And look forward to a weekend at my house by myself. I mean, alone. It should be fun.

coolllleegge

So. Big news in Emmaland, everyone! I got a scholarship to a state school for $10,000- something with the State Employee's Credit Union- so that means I'm committed to attending the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill this fall. I'm ridiculously pumped. My mind is working better in bullet form today, so here we go!

• The Environmental Science program at Carolina is really good, so I'm excited about the possible majors and discovering what I really want to do after formal schooling has ended. They have good programs for study abroad, too, I've heard, so that's a good thing.
• I can now be a sports fan and justify it, haha. I won't feel bad or anything and now I can include myself in discussions about Basketball and stuff.
• I'm ridiculously glad that I didn't have to decide by myself which college to attend, it takes such a weight off that I didn't make the decision myself. I'm so indecisive that I would probably end up regretting my choice at some point down the line. Because the scholarship decided it for me, I can just chill with that being the deciding factor. I mean, it will still be cool to say that I got into the other colleges (if I did, haha). At GSW, I was kindof mad that I didn't get to choose because I didn't like the classes offered, and sometimes I got jealous of GSE kids, but I think that scenario is a little different.
  
• The scholarship along with the already monumentous difference in price between Carolina and the private schools takes the big financial burden off my back. I hate feeling like I'm being a financial burden. Money makes me weirded out. Now I don't have to worry about it.
• I used to think it was weird that there would be a lot of people I know there, and I didn't like that thought. Now I couldn't really care less. I mean, College is so big that I won't have to go out of my way to avoid anybody. So that's not a problem with me anymore.
• I'm glad that I finally know for certain where I'm going. And that it was so stress free! Now when people ask where I'm going, I can just say "Carolina!" and leave it at that! It's so simple. Much easier than "Well, I got into Carolina but I haven't heard back from the other schools so I don't know yet." That opens the big can of worms with questions like- "If you got into all four schools, which would you go to?" And then that takes a while to explain because I don't really know. My thought processes are weird.

So, yeah. That's crazy. My future is no longer unstable. I know exactly what I'm doing for at least another year. Here goes the list of stuff coming up in the life of Emma: Spring Break. Senior Prom. Senior Trip. AP Exams. Graduation. Cheerio. Hawaii. Tahoe. College @ Carolina. Hooooly cow. So definitive! So crazy!

In other news, I got a lot of sleep last night and feel a billion times better than I did Sunday night/Monday day. This past weekend was hecka awesome. Friday was chill. Tillman and I watched Starsky and Hutch. It was pretty lighthearted and funny. I liked it. Saturday I got to sleep in, hang w/ Char Char and her friend Katye a little, go to the recycling center, hang with Shmimms!!, get first place in the Talent Show (without the use of an inhaler... haha. couldn't help it. it was mean, i know. sorry.), and hang w/ Shmims and Courts and Tillman. Sunday was church- Sunday School at the Methodist and big church at the Presbyterian to hear Char Char sing. Shmims and I watched a little Garden State, then a little Slushie practice, then she went home and I spent the day sitting on my lawn reading IM and writing a poem. Then I got stressed out and felt poopy, as you saw. I spent too much time on my procrastinated IM and Calculus AP sheet, both of which I could have been working on all week, that I didn't have time to study for AP Bio. Bad move. So Monday sucked because I was tired and stressed and annoyed and fed up with school. Monday afternoon was ok, and YL was awesome and sleep was awesomer. I'm getting better at planning out my afternoons. Not as much computer time does the trick.

Are my posts too long?

there are reasons why i never cuss. because it makes it that much more effective when i decide to do so. there are also reasons why i try not to procrastinate. because it sucks. that said, i just have one thing to say:


i feel like shit. complete and utter shit.

jumbled masses

the bright, sunny day
disappears in a moment
the gentle warmth
conceding
to the jumbled masses

jumbled
as they clutter up the sky
replacing the blue
with the gray

masses
that absorb the warmth
from my toes
my once happy toes

stealing the day
that the earth-child
loves

those selfish
jumbled
masses

6 days late...

Happy Belated 2nd Anniversary, blog. You've been there through the tough times and the crazy times and the happy times in between. Where would I be without you? In an uncommunicative ditch, most likely. Or in a constant state of writers block. Or something.

index card

Flowers make me happy! I carried one around in my nalgene all day today, after the NHS induction ceremony. It smelled good. I drank from the same reservoir of water from which it drank, also. Which is an awardly worded way to say that I drank flower water. Hopefully it wasn't pesticide water. That would be a bummer, seeing as how I would probably die or something. But I trust my faithful flower.

Everyone said that I stole the flower and that I am a bad person. But I didn't really think it was stealing because I bet they just took them from the yard out in front of the gym and I bet they were going to throw them away anyway. Another excuse I used had to do with the fact that I don't think you can really steal a flower. I mean, it's a part of the earth. Mother nature would want us to share. There are flaws in my assumption, of course. Technically, gold and other precious minerals are a part of the earth. Also, as Jacob Martin pointed out, I would become very sad if someone decided to steal my flower from me. Mrs. Hutchinson stated it the most blatently that it was a selfishly kleptomaniacal way of justifying stealing. She didn't use that wording, but whatever. We all had a laugh in Chess Club.

Things associated with spring make me happy. They put me in a good mood. Especially if these things smell good, haha. I wonder if I'm going to be sad when spring is over. Probably not. Because summer is fun too.

Technically, I broke a lot of rules with this daffodil. I'm not allowed to have water, let alone an open bottle, let alone with a stolen flower in it. But I had it open on my desk in Earth Science and it made Ms. Watts smile. That's what they do! They have that affect on people. I mean, Mrs. Martin didn't even stop me in the hall when she saw it. Craziness.

If I were a teacher, I would have a flower on my desk all the time because they are so pretty. Sometimes I think I should get my teaching degree so I can do cool stuff with my room and be a fun teacher. Who knows. I might get to do that kind of stuff when I'm in graduate school. Or maybe I won't go to graduate school and I'll just become a really cool cool teacher who has flowers in nalgenes.

So, today's NHS inductions were fun. I got to speak in front of a lot of people. These people told me I was a good speaker. It made me happy. The bad thing about the ceremony is that Jim Harrell turned it in to an assembly about politics for about 30 minutes. Silly politicians. Goldie and I agreed that even when we like them they always make it about themselves, no matter what they're supposed to be talking about.

It was a good Friday, overall. I'm pumped about this weekend because Shmimmy is coming and the Talent Show is tomorrow and I have to do a crap load of English and Biology stuff. Haha, that's the bad part. But, whatever. It's all goood.

my head hurts.

My thoughts are so scattered lately. Not that I have so much to think about or anything, it's just that I can't allow myself to concentrate on any one thing for too long. So I'll be doing a billion things at once. Like, right now, I have about 6 tabs open in my browser window. It's too much stuff! I'll be reading one thing and it will remind me of something else and so I'll open up a window to see it. Liiikkee... geez. I just did it. I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I've been having too much caffeine or something. I feel kindof jittery, too. I actually think it might have something to do with sleep deprivation.

I really am starting to get over senioritis, I think. I find myself wanting to do homework instead of sitting on the computer, especially when I get a good blog done. I think that's my problem. I put off blogging for aimless browsing, and then I waste a bunch of time without getting anything done. So, when I blog, I feel like I've accomplished something on the internet for the day and I can move on to bigger and better things. I work well when I allow myself time for certain things, like make myself a schedule. Then I usually follow it and everything's groovy.

I have a headache because I've been stuffing too much stuff into it without letting it settle down. What, with school and friends and siblings and weather the talent show and everything that's going on, I can't solidify my thoughts to any one of these things. So I start forgetting stuff. I think I'm going to alter my schedule so I can watch the previous day's Daily Show at 7 and go to sleep earlier. Especially on Tuesday nights, because of Campaigners.

I'm kindof rambling. I wanted to say something short and succinct that would get across my point but I'm not doing a very good job of it. I think I'll just list some of the feelings that are in my brain.

Frustration.
Exhaustion.
Cluelessnes.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Anticipation.
Boredom.
Satisfaction.

I just need some relaxation. I think I'll do that. My temporary ADHD is getting on my nerves. Nothing is of any substance anymore, I feel like I get more and more superficial every day. But not "fake drama queen" superficial, but that nothing really gets past the surface; I'm stretching myself too thin. Instead of things feeling substantial and worth something, they feel light and like they could float away, if that makes any sense.

It's a dangerous thing when spring fever sets in on someone who already has senioritis... hang in there! Don't let it get to you...

Oh, Dad. He knows me too well! I went rollerblading after school today. I can't stop doing handstands. I wore my chacos and capris today to school because it was sunny with a high of 75 (to quote some relient K). I'm addicted to the feeling of spring. I'm also addicted to the feeling of graduation. Hmmmmm yeah.

Today was a good day. YL was funn! I'm more flexible than I thought, haha. Silly silly times.

my new favorite thing: handstands.

root beer times root beer equals beer.

My life is good nalgene has officially been inducted into the "Emma's Nalgene Hall of Fame." I dropped it down the stairs. He doesn't have any battle wounds, to my knowledge, but I still consider him inducted. I'm still sad at the loss of my Pico/Slushie nalgene that was so carelessly lost by Jill at some point during swim season, but I think the addition of this L.I.G. one from Mom has made up for the loss. It's always good to have a wide mouth and a narrow mouth because sometimes you just want to be able to dring it really fast, which is easier in narrow mouths. Also, sometimes you want to put ice in it or have ease in transporting liquids, which is when you rely on your trusty wide mouth. Poor Cindy, my narrow mouth, is quite scarred. But she's still surviving, thankfully.

I think the best thing about Nalgenes is that they have trained me to actually drink water. I used to never ever just drink water unless I was parched or exercising. Now I drink it throughout the day, and I feel more hydrated. I used to hate the taste of water but now I enjoy drinking it even when I'm not thirsty. I don't mind having water with meals now, which pumps me up because soda isn't great all the time. Water makes me feel good and refreshed. It's quite refreshing.

Another drink I've started to really like lately is juice. I mean, I was never conscious of my juice affinity before, I guess because Mom rarely buys juice to just be in our refrigerator. Recently she has kept the juice well stocked, so I've been enjoying Cranberry Wild Berry and Berry Blends juices. I really like pineapple juice and V8 splash, too.

While we're on the topic of new things I like, I'll bring up Yogurt. Because I've been eating a veritable s-load of it lately. I used to not be able to finish a whole Yoplait in one sitting, but now I can eat one for breakfast and then for lunch again sometimes! It helps you burn fat, but I guess that doesn't work for me since I don't excercise. I guess I need to get back on the ball with that.

I really like exercising when I don't do it too much and I don't feel guilty about not doing it. Does that make sense? Like, if I randomly remember to excercise, it makes me feel good. But when it turns into an obligation and I feel bad for not doing it, I don't like doing it. I think I'm going to row for a little while tonight, just because I can. Unless it's too cold. Then I'll see if Mom has some good excercise tapes to do. She sold Tae-Bo and our Yoga tapes on eBay, which I would have stopped had I not been in an anti-exercising mood. Rowing is great and all, but I'm not so sure I want beefy arms. Haha. "Beefy arms" looks funny written down.

So does "hypocrisy."
cellar door.

You know what's cool? Stream of consciousness.

irony, shmirony.

3 days in Matty and Leslie's "Philosophy of Science" class with some of the brightest science students in all of North Carolina spent discussing why the sky is blue, and I found out the answer in about 3 seconds on a commercial for girl scouts. Life sure is funny.