I have officially finished applying to college. I'm done. It's all out of my hands at this point. All I can do is sit back and let a committee decide whether or not I'm worthy to attend college. My future is in their respective hands. Hmm. My future. I'm looking forward to it. Honestly. Next year is going to be full of experiences, and I'm ready for them. I hope.

I have too much free time to think about things lately. I analyze them so much in my brain that I don't feel like posting them on here because I've already thought them through a lot. Whatever.

Wow. It needs to stop being warm. It's making me mad. I really really really love the warmth, but it's giving me spring fever. I want it to be spring. But it's not. Mother nature is just tricking me into thinking that it is spring. But no! It is December! It is not spring! It hasn't even snowed yet this winter. I still have a long winter to go through. But, man, do I love spring. I really do. Like a lot. So mother nature is angering me. Don't tease me like this!

I am tired of being analytical. I don't like being deep all the time. It's weighing me down.

I don't make sense.

I need school to fill my brain.

don't think twice, it's alright.

I've been watching too many DVDs lately. It's all because of my new TV. I just watch DVDs. I'm running out of movies to watch! I need more movies!!! It's a new addiction. But sometimes I just want to watch random TV. Which is why I need cable on my TV. Or, if you think about it, why I don't need cable in my room. Despite my laziness, I think I've been pretty productive so far this Christmas break. Like today, for example, I went walking with Kate and then I went to the recycling center and then to Lowes to get some mac and cheese so I can make dinner for the family tonight. Then I went to the bank and deposited my checks in my savings account. Crazy.

Even though I haven't really wasted my time, I still feel like a slacker. I can't seem to bring myself to do my Lord of the Flies sheet. I really need to do it. And I need to read The Things They Carried. And I want to read the new Michael Crichton book- State of Fear. I love reading books for fun, but I think I need to do one of those assignments for english before I read it, or I'll feel guilty the whole time. I'll start something tomorrow because I need to finish the Yale app tonight. It's due on Friday. Aaaah. I'm not really stressed out, though, because I don't have school every day and I could devote a lot of time to it when I feel like it. So it'll be fine.

Ok, I'll write later. I think I have writer's block.

Okay. The problem with ambiguous posts is that I come off sounding like a jerk and I can't really get the right point across. So ignore the last post if you want. Because it was just my insecure self being weird again. Oh, me. I'm so silly.

Remember me saying that I got addicted to live music? Well, if I didn't tell you, then yeah. I'm addicted to live music. And I believe I choose the right people to hang out with to satisfy my cravings. I mean, I could theoretically watch a live show at any time I wanted, to some extent. Thanks to Tillman. Seriously. This Christmas break has been full of mini concerts. I've been to two Slushie practices, Tillman's played acoustically at his house and mine like three times, and then Tillman played at the Good Life the other night (christmas eve eve). It's freaking awesome. Seriously. If you love songs that are pretty but they're not necessarily about you, imagine what listening to a song that you really like and that was written about you and makes you extremely happy is like. It's great.

Hmm. Life.

give me ambiguity or give me... something else.

It's funny- seeing things from the other side. On the one hand, I'm excited that I can no longer be defined in a certain category. On the other, I'm somewhat sad that I am no longer a part of that category. I mean, I can definitely still relate. But now I can see the other side. And now I can see how useless it is for these people in that old group to worry. I mean, it really sucks to sit around and be depressed abou their current state all the time. But, what else is there to do? Really. Society has set the whole situation up to where it sucks for everyone who isn't a part of the "positive" category. I still don't really see myself as in the normal positive category, though. I think there are many different variations of the category. I think there are people who do something just to say they're doing it. Like, they force themself into the category simply for the purpose of being known as one in that category. The people who are in the "negative" category probably don't even know what they want. They trivialize it to the point where they only like the idea of the category, forgetting that there is such a personal attatchment to this category. They make it about the category and not about their feelings, kind of. Then there are those who are fine with their current state, whether "negative" or "positive." I think that is the best state of mind one can be in when it comes to these categories. That way, they can stay true to themselves, I think. When they get over society's categorizations, it becomes about who they truly are rather than who they're trying to impress or what rules they think they need to follow. But, yeah. So I'm sad that the people in the "negative" category will now shun me as changing over to the "positive" side. They will congratulate me, but I know that they resent me deep inside. And I want them to realize that it's silly. And that I can still totally relate to them. But don't get me wrong, I really like being on the "positive" side. But that doesn't make me hate my "negative" days at all. They are still just as great. Just in a different way.

Man, it's hard to talk about a subject and try to keep it so ambiguous. I just don't feel like being outright today, I guess. So this might not make any sense at all unless you know what I'm talking about. I bet I'll look back later and forget what I was talking about. It's so like me to do something like that. If you know what I'm talking about, then you probably think I'm a silly idiot or something. If you don't know, then you're probably just confused. Sorry about that.

So, Christmas. I love it sooo much. I got a TV. For my room. With a DVD player. Hooolllly Cow. Talk about the most surprising and unexpected gift ever! I mean, wow. Speechless. I like this whole not-asking-for-anything-for-christmas deal. It's a lot of fun. I also got the Napoleon Dynamite DVD. Sweet! It's awesome.. It's... Incredible. Haha. My family really likes it. Especially my mom, which cracks me up. So, yeah.

"nobody even reads your blog anyway." -jill, just now.

dear readers:

you are cool. keep being as cool as you are, and keep on keepin it real. i hope you and your families and friends have the merriest of christmases this year. God bless, and I love you all.

love,
emma.

I got the job!

I love you, blog. You're a good friend.

I like looking back and remembering my various emotional states. Even though I know you guys don't like to hear about everything I do all the time, I still like blogging about things I do. So that I can remember them later. So here's a few tidbits of my life.

Christmas break is going good. It's been jam packed with fun times so far. I went to Hickory on Friday/Saturday to visit with Shmimmy. It was fun times. All we do is randomly drive around and eat and be dirty. It's so much fun, though. I can't wait for camp this summer. It's going to be really fun. If I get the job, haha. So yeah. Shmimmy time was quality time. And I got to see Megan! I miss her and GSW. So, yeah. We watched Dodgeball, and it was good. We also watched an indie flick- Camp. It was so creepy and weird and contained horrible acting skills. At least we could laugh at it, haha. So, don't spend money on Camp. But see it if it's lying around or something if you want a good laugh.

Then when I came home, I was tired and kind of sick and really cranky. So I decided to stay in. Good call on my part, I must say. My parents and Kate were going to Ruby Tuesday, and I didn't want a sucky dinner, so I accompanied them. I'm glad that I didn't try to go somewhere else with other people, because they would probably not want to be my friend again after seeing my brattiness.

Sunday was good, but I was dressed up all day. Because there was church, and then there was Charlotte's voice recital, and then there was church again. Church was church. Charlotte's voice recital was cool. She has a really good voice! I rarely hear her sing, so it was fun. I was really pumped that she didn't sound nervous. Like I was nervous for her, but she delivered. Haha. Then I went to see Spanglish con Tillman. It was good. I liked it. I'm happy that I liked it. Then we went back to his house to watch some Mitch Hedberg clips, and it was fun. Upon introduction, Tillman's grandma simply replied with: "She's a tall one." I didn't know quite how to respond, so I just smiled. Oh, Granny. Then I had to go to church for White Christmas. It was fun times. Dad and I were experimenting with harmonies. Christmas is good for harmonizing. Also, we got to play with candles. I focused my energy on harmonizing so that I wouldn't focus it on being a pyromaniac. I have a tendency to do that. Hehehe.

And today I went Ice Skating with Audra, Ashley, Emma, Anna and Perry. It was really fun. I love skating and zambonis. Audra and I were jamming to random rap songs there and back, and I was knitting on the way there. And I liked looking at the radar detector. Haha. So it was fun.

And I just made the best mixed CD from my collection ever. It is really really awesome. I'm pumped about it.

So, there you go. Will comes home tonight. Now the real Christmas fun can commence. woot!

better late than never

It seems like I'm always late to places lately. I don't give myself enough time to drive or something. I find myself always being two or three or four minutes late, and it's become a habit. I am consistently late. Kind of ironic, but not really. I think it is all spawned from the fact that I wake up to a digital clock. It skews my judgement of time. I see that it says 6:38, and I round up to 6:40, which then rounds up to 6:45 in my brain, so I give myself less time than there really is. When, on an analog clock, I see that the hand is still towards the bottom, and I can judge my time according to how much the hands have to travel and stuff. It's hard to explain without visual aid. But I'm seriously considering switching to waking up to an analog clock. The only drawback is that they don't usually make analog clock-radios. I really like falling asleep/waking up to music. My ideal waking up mechanism would be an analog clock with a cd player, so I could make a CD for waking up and a CD for falling asleep. So it would have to hold two CDs. Or there would have to be some way that I could program it to wake up on tracks one through, say, seven. And then fall asleep to tracks eight through fourteen. Something like that would be ideal.

So, yeah. back to the fact that I'm always late. I think I just don't want to be early, but then I wait just a couple minutes too long and then I find something I randomly have to do before I leave. Or I am already driving and then remember something I have to go back and get. Or, the ever popular one, I go somewhere and forget to get Jill and Charlotte's bookbags out of my car. I really hate that one. Because it always happens. And it always makes me mad. So, whatever. I'm going to try to gauge my time more wisely. I apologize if you have been the victim of my recent lateness.

nevermind

So I went to take the Bio exam today, but Bodnar forgot I was taking it early and wasn't done typing it up, so I stayed and talked to him for a little while and decided that I don't want to take it because There is a high probability it won't do any good, and I will have a 3.99 unweighted GPA even with the 94 I'm getting in his class, which doesn't sound at all as bad as I thought it would. So I got over it and decided I don't want to take it and then I went and signed up for AP Environmental web class. I'm looking forward to that. Now I can take some sort of Independant study with Mrs. Morrison so I can try out for district on Oboe. I miss playing oboe a lot. Watching the band concert yesterday made me think how much I miss it. I don't miss actual band or the people in band, I miss playing in a band in general. And I really hope I can get my chops back for district, which is on January 8 (!). I think I'll be able to do it if I set my mind to it. Either way, fourth period next semester is going to be fun. I don't think it's actually going to count as a credit, so I won't have to do work and stuff. Hopefully. And I'll get to help the little APMT kids. Hehe. That will be really fun.

blue sky writer

The sky has been really pretty lately. I see it and then I just want to lie down in a field and stare up at it forever. I want to have no cares and just sit and think about life and love and happiness while looking at the beautiful sky. I'm in such a prarie-girl mood or something. More like a hippie mood. I'm growing fond of my hairy legs. I really really like to knit. My wardrobe is becoming more consistently hippie. I am starting to hate commercialism- I want to give people presents from my heart and not my wallet. I want to know people for who they are. I want to stop living from assignment to assignment, and read more books. I want to enjoy the time I have right now, not looking too much to the future or too much to the past. I'm searching for depth in all of my interactions. I'm feeling very optimistic or something. I feel like I've become very sage-like lately. I give good advice or something, to myself and to others. More like I don't give good advice to myself, but I soak up advice from what I see or read around me. I think I'm settling into who I really am. I like it. I feel like I'm getting more out of school and learning- like I'm bonding with my schoolwork rather than just getting it done. Hmm. I can't really describe exactly how I am feeling. It's not content, because I am yearning for more than complacency. It's kind of satisfied, but in that not really satisfied way. I'm satisfied that I'm not letting myself be satisfied. It's hard to articulate. But I'm happy- and that's always easy to understand.

the sky was really pretty today.

GPA is your worst nightmare.

I'm really tired of grades. They are so subjective and random and annoying and uggh. For example, this whole Biology incident. This ridiculously low grade does not reflect my true caliber as an AP Bio student. So I forgot my homework- it happens to the best of us. The usual punishment is a letter grade deduction for every day it's late. But not for Bodnar. What exactly is he trying to prove to me? It's not like I was slacking, or that I deserve this really bad grade. The worst thing is that Bodnar admits this. He knows I wasn't slacking, and when I asked him if the grade I will end up with for the six-weeks is a true representation of my level of student, he couldn't answer. Because he knew it wasn't. Mom was like- "He caught you! He got you in a low moment." to which I responded: "As if it were a game in which I needed to be caught?" All I keep thinking is that if my class rank status is messed up because of this simple 35, I will quit life. The entire high school career that I have spent at the top of my class will be rendered pointless because of this one homework grade. That's really what I'm thinking. I'm not that much of an overachiever, I have just worked myself into this corner. It's not about getting into college, it's not about beating anybody else in my class, it's not about proving myself to anybody but myself. It's like running a marathon and it looks like your going to win and then in the last 100 feet or something, somebody trips you.

And most of this discussion is silly, because I'm going to take the exam and bring up my grade and I'll probably stay number one even with this not 6.0. And back to Bodnar, he doesn't understand my complaint. His reasoning: "Well, it's still over a 4.0." He doesn't understand it. But that's ok. I'm actually not that mad about it. I'm just mad at my forgetful self. But it's not tearing me up as much as it did back in Computer App when I almost got a 95. My whole life felt bad. Now I'm just kind of disappointed or something. Because everything else is fine. Even Biology is still fine. Like I did really well on the test. And Calculus is really fun. And English is fun, even though I don't like the subjectivity of grading in there either. I still like Goldie and the way she runs her class. The subjectivity is ridiculous in Spanish class. I mean ridiculously, like I just don't even try to figure it out anymore. Swimming is good- I qualified for states in the 100 breast. And life is good in every other way, too. And music makes my life so much better all the time. Good music, that is. But I think all music is good music, in its own way. But that's another post topic. So I'm not depressed. Which is a good thing.

I'm just fed up with High School. Ever since Governor's School, I've been resentful that I can't have good discussion classes like that. Which is partly why I like English class- it reminds me a lot of GSW. Maybe. I talk about GSW too much. Haha. I heart my GSW experience. But yeah, I am trying to enjoy these last few moments of High School because I know I will look back on it fondly. I want to look around and enjoy life, but I think I'm doing a good job of it right now, so I'm not worried.

Blogging is fun times.

My driving muscles hurt, because they got an excercise today. I would go into all the crazyness of my driving today, but that would be somewhat like complaining and, in effect, somewhat boring. There were some fun things that happened today.

Campaigners. It was just fun times, like it always is.

Spanish Class:

NotFromOklahoma: If you don't go today you won't get any points ah?

Fun times to the extrema.

Band Practice. Well, not my band practice. Christian's and Preston's and Mikel's and Josh's band practice. Con Tillman. And Maddie was there too. But I had to leave approx. 20 minutes after arriving, and so did Tillman because he was riding with me. So we had fun in the little bit of time we were there. I love randomly hanging out. It's my favorite thing to do... like, ever.

I have a headache. Ouch.

I'm really glad that I chose to take Calculus. Because I think that I was going to drop Calculus, if I thought my work load was going to be too big, and just stick with Biology. Knowing what I know now, I would have dropped Biology. Wholeheartedly.

What exactly do I know now?

• I know that Mrs. Gray is a better teacher than Mr. Bodnar, for one. It's like not even questionable. He is like always absent and doesn't give good notes and takes homework grades on things that nobody did (and I got a 35 on) just to prove something. What is he proving? The people that aren't doing good are going to drop his class anyways- he doesn't need to scare them any more. Does he really think that a 35 is a reflection on the caliber of student I have proven myself to be? It sucks.
• I also have found out that I am much better at Calculus and like the subject matter a whole lot more than in Biology. It's almost insane.
• I know that I won't be majoring in biology in college, so I guess that's a good thing to come out of AP bio.
• I know that I will be taking the exam in biology if I can't talk Bodnar out of counting the 35.

So there you go. Oh, school. You disappoint me.

(p.s.- i have a xanga, too. it's more superficial and random and less thought out than this one, and i like this one infinitely better than that one, but i still got it. for "grins and giggles" as mrs. gray would say.)

no, you will not pull down my pants.

Babysitting is a lot of fun, when it's not total heck. Like when the parents are cool, I feel more relaxed when babysitting their kids. I don't get all uptight or anything, because the parents are so laid back when I see them interact with the kids.

On Thursday, I babysat for the Campbells for like three hours, and it wasn't that bad. The hardest part was getting the kids to go to sleep. When they said they wanted their mommy, I just told them that she would be home after they went to sleep. When that wasn't satisfactory, I let them watch me write a note to their mom that said something like "please go into Will, Elizabeth and Jack's room when you come home. love- will elizabeth and jack." That seemed to calm them down a little bit. There was one point when I was in one room reading a book to Jack and Elizabeth was sobbing in her room, so I went over there to comfort her after I was done reading the book. When I got Elizabeth settled, Jack started crying again. It is impossible to try and reason with these kids. When I told Jack that his mom was coming home, all he would say was "NO SHE WILL NOT" and I would reply "I can assure you, she will. Why wouldn't she?" to which he would respond: "NO SHE WILL NOT!" So when I would get frustrated and tell him "whether or not your mom is coming home, you need to go to sleep. please go to sleep." his reply: "NO I WILL NOT." So I finally just told him that if he wasn't going to sleep, he at least needed to silently lie there with his eyes open. Other funny moments of the night occurred when I attempted to serve them dinner. Oh, man. I cooked up some EasyMac and microwaved some hotdogs, but by the time they sat down to eat, Jack and Elizabeth decided they didn't want any of it. I think they had a few bites, but it was hardly a meal. So I ended up eating most of the leftovers, since I didn't want to throw away all that food. It made my stomach hurt a little bit. Oh yeah, and quizzing Will on spelling was fun, because he couldn't spell "precipitation." So I would randomly, throughout the night, just say "Spell precipitation!" It was fun.

Last night, I showed up at like 5:30 because they were going down to Charlotte for Mrs. Campbell's birthday. The kids were happy to see me- which made me happy because at least I knew they didn't hate me or anything. Then a limo showed up to take the parents away, much to the surprise of everyone except Mr. Campbell. The kids wanted to take a ride around the block, and they wanted me to come too, so we drove around the block. It was funny. The pizza showed up when we came back, so we rushed inside as Mr. and Mrs. Campbell were whisked away to a night on the town. During dinner, the kids started getting resentful. They tried calling the parents to make them come back. They expressed feelings of jealousy that they weren't invited on this trip, and also feelings of depression that their parents were gone for two nights in a row with the same babysitter. Elizabeth assured me that their anger wasn't because of the babysitter in question, but the mere fact that the parents weren't there. I told her that I understood, and that I, too, hate it when my parents leave for two days in a row. Then they snapped out of their depression and started getting wild. Elizabeth poured garlic sauce in the pizza box, and Will started spraying "Oust" everywhere (they pronounced it "oste," like northerners or something). Then Elizabeth decided to pour water on top of the garlic sauce in the pizza box, and the garlic water started dripping on the floor. I quickly removed the pizza from the box before it could become saturated with this stinky water, and moved it into the empty breadsticks box. Then I carried the dripping pizza box into the trashcan and wiped up the mess, all while the kids were running around with their pizza and breadsticks in hand. The rest of the night was fun, because I gave them an agenda and they have really good memories. One funny part was when they discovered that my pants came down easily, and I had to walk around holding up my pants, for fear that they would tear them down. At one point, they were holding on to my legs and I was dragging three little kids around on the floor. I finally got them to stop by telling them I would give them a bad report if they didn't stop. That worked like a charm. They had some trouble actually getting to sleep, because they were watching Power Rangers. I think they finally closed their eyes for good like 2 hours later than they were supposed to- but who cares, because it's the weekend.

After they went to sleep, I watched "Casa de los Babys," because I was in the mood for an indie film. It was good, but a little slow. Perhaps it seemed slow because I was tired and the TV was really small. But that doesn't make any sense. But it was still good. I like indie movies. I can't wait to see Garden State when it comes out on Dec. 28, because I really wanted to see it but never got the chance. Right. So anyways, the parents told me they would probably be home at midnight, and I didn't want to be asleep when they got home, so I tried to stay awake. I also tried to read Lord of the Flies, but I wasn't really getting anywhere with that. So I devised a plan that would make me look responsible. I would lie on the couch and with the book in my hand, with my eyes closed. That way it would look like I was just dozing off while reading, instead of conking out while watching TV. It was all obsolete anyways, because the dog woke me up right before the parents walked in at 1:30. But because they were so late and also in a good mood, I got mucho dinero. Yay Christmas shopping funds!

Wow. Long blog. Fun times.

I'm a VIP at Ziggy's tonight, holla! I don't even really know what that means, but it's really cool. I mean, it's just Jerry, but I guess that's how the VIP status works out- you know the guy before you know his music or something like that. Maybe all VIPs are like: "oh, it's just my friend so-and-so." Whatever, I'm pumped. And I'm also pumped because I'm going to Chili's with the girls tonight. I love my girls and I love Chili's. Woot!

and i said something to the effect that i don't like having so much extra time to think, i'd rather devote my deep intellectual thoughts to something other than my life. and i also said that today's college choice, if i get in to all four colleges i applied to, is stanford. definitely.

estas pretzels me estan dando sed

ummm, I wrote a whole post today but blogger lost it. that angers me.