whoa. my mind is freaking me out.

School is like some weird substance that I let flow into my brain, but usually I let it flow right back out. It feels like something is stopping up the drain pipe in my brain and it's getting all stopped up. The school isn't leaking out enough, so everything is getting mixed up. I can't think straight. The excess school has shut off certain switches in my brain that normally tell me to stop looking at random people's xanga's and to go do my homework. It shuts off the switch that tells me that I really need to practice piano for longer than 15 minutes. It shuts off the part of my brain that judges the amount of time I need to spend on certain tasks. It's freaking me out. Because of the buildup, I can't learn things properly. If I really think about it, I barely have a grasp on what we're doing in calculus. I can do it if I just do what she tells me and don't think about it. But I want to know it really well. That's the problem- I can't do things really well if I'm doing so many things. The thing is- I'm not really doing that many things. I don't know. I'm confused.

I don't like feeling like I do right now. I feel insignificant, awkward, trampled upon, the victim of irrational rules, not cool, insecure, weird, teenaged. It's hit an all time weird level when I feel like a poser when thinking about buying the new relient K CD. If anyone is not a poser of relient K, it's me. I really think this whole "poser" idea is loser. It makes me feel weird to think about being a poser, so I'm not going to think anyone is a poser about music. Because then it's like certain made up stereotypical groups of people own certain genres. It's weird and I'm officially retiring it from my train of thought.

I wish things weren't so weird. I don't know when they'll get un-weird. I really hope it is Friday, after a random holiday from school. I think I need the day to get caught up in my brain. I just need to get caught up and then settle down and stop being so weird.

I don't know where I'd be if I couldn't articulate my feelings on my faithful blog. It is a very theraputic practice. But I still feel kinda crappy and like I'm losing my academic grip.

But I don't really feel that crappy. I just feel selfish or something. That's what's been on my mind lately. I feel ridiculously selfish. It's weird. I don't like it one bit. Like everything is centered around me, but not obviously. Like it's not blatent or anything, and I'm not sure how prevalent it really is, but it's there and it bothers me.

I need a vacation. I need someone to talk to all the time to work out my randomness. I guess, in a way, I'm talking to the blog. But that's just it- it's inatimate. Making me look crazy. Whatever.

I've been typing too long.