On Cheating

 (Editor's note: this draft was never published and I stopped typing mid-sentence, but am posting it here for posterity!)

I felt really defeated today discussing cheating with some of my students during some down time in my AP Environmental Science class. We were discussing the tragedy of cheaters making it to the top of the class. This is something that has always bothered me.

I remember sitting in World Cultures class as a sophomore, minutes after receiving a quiz to take for which I was ill-prepared. I saw my notebook on the floor, realized it was out of view of the teacher, and thought how easy it would be to just look at my notes for the quiz. It was in that moment that my conscience got the better of me and I decided that I did not want to be that type of student. I went on to complete my high school career as valedictorian, and I felt that was an honor I could take pride in, because I earned it honestly. For the record, I think that most of the students at the top of the class with me were also honest, and I felt proud to be amongst them. I'd heard of rampant cheating in grades before us, but I never saw anything of the sort in our class.

Going into teaching, I tried to set a tone of integrity and communicate my expectation of honesty during tests. I tried to look out for cheating, but got frustrated when I could tell it was happening but didn't have any hard evidence to back it up. Even when I did have hard evidence in multiple cases, the bureaucracy surrounding an accusal of cheating was exhausting. I had to deal with parents almost literally yelling at me in defense of their child, even when I could show exactly how cheating was done. I have since realized that I cannot change the moral compass of a student in 90 days in an AP class, and I have tried to keep it under control the best I could, without stressing out about missing most of the cheating that is going on under my nose.

There are a few reasons: I think the educational system is skewed towards valuing grades over actual learning. Changing this bias would involve an overhaul of the educational system. Parents understand what it takes to get into college, and to eventually get a job to be

nostalgia

 It is probably impossible to spend every single day at a High School and not occasionally slip into bouts of nostalgia so strong that you find yourself lying on the floor of your room listening to Dashboard Confessional & being emotional about the future.

I love being an adult, but I think I've forgotten the coping strategies that helped me make it through high school, the hardest of hard times. I have deemed myself too old for such activities as blogging and binging on music and feelings. I've drifted into a space where feelings are like rolling hills, but I want mountains of emotions!!! And I want to write them down!!!

I think I've decided that the adult way to deal with life is to shut up and do it, forging forward without stopping to look around. I must be afraid that if I slow down & think about it, I will become overwhelmed by the ridiculous amounts of responsibilities I've dumped on myself.

The reason I strayed from blogging as a form of life-processing is that I thought I needed to strip all bits of my real self from being discovered by my students. I needed to keep a facade of anonymity so that students would respect me. Well, spoiler alert, that's not my teaching style. My real self is so wrapped up in my teaching, I'm sure the content of my blog would not surprise any of my students.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've gotten it in my head that there are different facets of myself that I can focus on & present to various audiences. There's the Young Life leader Refvemma who is cR@Zii!!!, the Riverside Teacher Ms. Refvem who is silly, non-traditional & obsessed with cats, the hipster Cocoa Cinnamon- & Geer St-obsessed, 26-yr-old Durhamite Emma... and somehow the Emmas cannot know each other or communicate or blend in any way. I think that maybe I've been wrong. I think I need to get back to being just plain old Emma Refvem, who is all of those things at once.

And so, in an effort to Unite The Emmas, at the beginning (-ish) of one of the busiest years of teaching ever, in which I will attempt to obtain my National Board Certification, I have decided to resurrect the ol' blog. (for real this time?!)

Woohoo!!