Catching the Bouquet

 Here is the deal. If you are a single woman attending a wedding, there will come a moment when everybody else in the room decides it would be a grand idea to make you and your fellow "not-with-it-enough-to-have-a-man" counterparts gather in the middle of the room so they can taunt and jeer at you while you act like a fool to get your hands on a superstitious get-out-of-singlehood-free card. It's this point in the wedding when Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" starts running through your head much like a haunting circus theme that only comes on in the types of movies I'm too wussy to watch.

Now I, for one, tend to come alive when I feel like I'm on stage, so I pretend like it is a game or performance as some sort of a coping mechanism. I have come back with my fair share of bouquets, so I decided to share with you some steps to catching the bouquet.

1. You have to want it. This is the most influential piece to your acquisition of the flowers. Nobody really thinks about it or cares about it that much, so if you decide you want it, the bouquet is as good as yours.
2. Don't be afraid to look crazy. Most girls, when forced to stand in a clump of their peers with a huge blinking arrow sign above that says "HEY YOU BOYS, I'M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE", will try to maintain some sort of poise. The dedication to sacrifice that femininity so that you can get your hands on the prize will get you pretty far.*
3. Stand in the front and make a lot of noise. These girls are trying to look innocent and cute, so if you stand in front of everybody and push them out of the way, they will be so confused that they will back away.
4. Also, wear heels. Add height, can be used as a weapon... crucial tool.
5. Feel out the wedding/group of girls. Are they all deathly afraid of the flowers? Do they want it as much as you? Are they a bunch of wimps? Will they literally eat you alive if you take away their one chance to dance with a single man (the garter catcher)? This will help you to gauge your necessary level of intensity.
6. Don't just stare at the thing, grab it. I've caught my fair share of bouquets, and most of them were times when I literally just picked it up off the ground. One time the bride's toss was too short, and we all stared at the thing like it contained the Ebola virus. It suddendly donned on me that this bouquet would lie there infinitely if I didn't grab it, so I took charge. Another bouquet was acquired when it somehow managed to make it past the initial barrage of man-hungry hands and fall to the floor. Without having to be involved in the mess, I simply reached down and claimed my prize.
7. Don't be too obvious. Yes, my friends have purposefully held down my hands just so I wouldn't catch the bouquet. I was so confused that I just let it happen, but I will from this point on be on my guard.
8. Never give up. Fight to the bitter end. This applies to all areas of your life as well.

I hope these tips will prove useful to you single ladies out there who might have to face the music one day. For your entertainment, I have included a few pictures of past bouquet tosses at weddings I've attended.

"what?! she's throwing the bouquet from the balcony?!?!?" 

Nancy & Jonathan, 5/28/11

My dedication was outdone by my own flesh and blood.

Kelly & Jimmy, 12/19/10

Those are faces of determination and desire. (Lisa's [center] own wedding is this summer, so she will be out of the running in the future)

Chris & Missy, 10/9/09

*It occurs to me that catching the bouquet is supposed to mean that you are the next to get married, but the girls who maintain their dignity in front of this crowd are probably 10x more likely to actually get a boyfie. Ironic. (Right? Thanks to Alanis, I'm fuzzy as to when to use the word)