Sometimes I feel friendless. Sometimes I feel too emotional. Sometimes when I sit down to write down a friendless emotional blog, I get ideas for my valedictorian speech. What a weight off my shoulders. All I'm saying about it is that you guys will be excited to hear it. I'll make a draft to post after graduation if you can't make it or something like that. Get pumped.
So now back to teenager-ing. I just get really insecure when it comes to friends. I have a lot of them. I just don't have a place to fit in when they group off sometimes. Like none of them are strong enough to last through college or something. It's as if they will slowly fade into aquaintances in the future. I love hanging out with all of them, but once college comes, nobody will be all together in the same context. We will all have our separate lives weighing on us, and our separate futures streching out before us. I don't hang out anymore because I don't have anyone to do it with. I can't keep going down to Hickory to see Shmimms and my roomie for next year Megan all the time because I have stuff to do in town, but I would surely do it if I could. College is the place for me. It might not be all that I'm expecting, but surely it will be a place where I will make friends and they will be in close proximity to me. That's all I'm asking for. Basically, right now, I'm just depressed that I don't have any hang out friends because I'm going to bed early all emotional and with Death Cab stuck in my head. It'll leave me in one of those awesome/depressed moods all weekend.
Hmmph. I wanted to be in a poetic mood but all that poetic energy left when I decided to save my topic for the speech. Romantic comedies exacerbate my already crazy hormonal levels. Silly me.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Happy Earth Day!
I think this is the first time in my high school career that I've had a consistent amount of a lot of homework. I knew it would happen one of these days, and now that it has happened, I must say that I'm glad. Some days I do it all. Other days I just don't do it and somehow I skip by the homework checks and all that. The only thing about not doing homework is the guilt trips. Teachers are pretty good at that. As students are getting apathetic in response to the stress of AP exams, I'd say the teachers are getting angry. It's even getting to Mrs. Gray. I swear, every class keeps saying things like "wow, we only have like 2 weeks guys, it's getting down to the wire." The senior trip doesn't help much, but no teacher has been fully successful in guilting the seniors about it. We won't feel bad about going on this trip. It's only potential college credit.
Celebrate your earth! Recycle, reduce, reuse... and close the loop. That's how it goes. Don't shower as long. Carpool if possible. Turn off electronic devices when not in use. Don't drive hummers. Plant a tree. Go tree hugging. Things of this nature. Haha, nature.
Celebrate your earth! Recycle, reduce, reuse... and close the loop. That's how it goes. Don't shower as long. Carpool if possible. Turn off electronic devices when not in use. Don't drive hummers. Plant a tree. Go tree hugging. Things of this nature. Haha, nature.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
a long post for your enjoyment.
And so. Seeing as how I haven't had a post of much substance in a while, I'll do a bit of updating. Main things that have been happening to me are stress-related. Teachers are becoming hardcore because AP exams are imminent, but I'm stepping up my game along with them. I don't mind doing a ton of Calculus problems. As long as I have the mindset to do that ton. The problem is finding the motivation. My battle with senioritis has been a tough one up to this point, and it's not getting any easier. I just lazy myself around all afternoon, wandering aimlessly around the internet, forgetting that I could be doing many more substantial things with my time. I hate having things looming over my head, like Rockafest. I just hate feeling guilty when things go wrong. I tried to shirk the responsibility onto Alex but it didn't work. Somehow the responsibility got shirked on me last year in full force, but I can't do it myself to anyone else. I'm not a good delegator. Stupid ENTJ personality- always trying to take charge and do things for myself. But it will be over next week and there will be a concert involved. Any time a concert is involved with things, it makes it ten times less annoying. It's like the dessert after suffering through... some bad meal. (back in the old days I would've said Chile Verde- the kind my mom makes- but I like it now. silly tastebuds.)
Speaking of concerts, the Jump concert was the best thing that's happened to me in like forever. Ok, that's exaggerating a lot, but what can you do. Seriously. The opening act- Ross Golan and Molehead- was really cool. Rap rock. We all thought it was Matt from J,LC at first, but it was just Ross. I met him after the show. Maybe he was just really nice, or really liked me, or was drunk, or all three, but I liked him. It's fun meeting artists. Because they like meeting fans. If I didn't have a curfew, it would've been nice to stay and chat w/ J,LC. Ciest la vie. So, yeah. Then Jump came on and I was ridiculously excited. Because this is the first band I've seen where I heard their CD and memorized the words before seeing them in concert. Holy cow. Jay's voice just melts into your ears. And Matt's awesome stage presence and multi-instrumental skills are just that- Awesome. And then there's way cool Ward. And then there's Johnny and Evan- the lovable geeks. When "Mexico" came on, I just absorbed the energy and loveliness of the song and was the happiest I've been in a long time in that moment. It was inarticulately great. Not overwhelming or overrated, just simple and happy.
The thing that made the concert fun, too, was the atmosphere. Jump fans are friendly. Govies are lovely. MA people are chill and great. Hanging with Jill and Brett and Brad on the way down was fun. Even though my back hurt from carrying my purse all day and I had to lean on Randy and Zack and feel like a Grandma when I kept having to sit down, it was still fun. The music was just as good when I couldn't see it. I wasn't tired, though I'd been up for a while and school had exhausted me, I was just happy. I wasn't overanalyzing anything or thinking about the future or about the past, I was living in the moment.
I'm gushing about things and you guys are probably bored and probably stopped reading and aren't even reading this right now, but I just had to express my happiness. Other events that went on this weekend included my trip to Carolina. In short, it was a good immersion process- I got to get a small taste of what next year will be like and I liked it. I saw a random Cheerio friend (Lucy Page) in the class I visited, and hung out with Seg and Frances, and talked to some students and a professor about the academic part. It was a good experience. A college day well spent. There was also a Slushie and Sugar Glyder concert on Saturday, which I attended after earning $17 at a babysitting job. It rocked. I purchased new shirts from both bands. The new Slushie song is quite good.
Sorry. This post was too long. I need to post more regularly so I don't mush it all into one hard-to-digest post. But, yeah. So this weekend was good. Life is good, albeit busy.
Speaking of concerts, the Jump concert was the best thing that's happened to me in like forever. Ok, that's exaggerating a lot, but what can you do. Seriously. The opening act- Ross Golan and Molehead- was really cool. Rap rock. We all thought it was Matt from J,LC at first, but it was just Ross. I met him after the show. Maybe he was just really nice, or really liked me, or was drunk, or all three, but I liked him. It's fun meeting artists. Because they like meeting fans. If I didn't have a curfew, it would've been nice to stay and chat w/ J,LC. Ciest la vie. So, yeah. Then Jump came on and I was ridiculously excited. Because this is the first band I've seen where I heard their CD and memorized the words before seeing them in concert. Holy cow. Jay's voice just melts into your ears. And Matt's awesome stage presence and multi-instrumental skills are just that- Awesome. And then there's way cool Ward. And then there's Johnny and Evan- the lovable geeks. When "Mexico" came on, I just absorbed the energy and loveliness of the song and was the happiest I've been in a long time in that moment. It was inarticulately great. Not overwhelming or overrated, just simple and happy.
The thing that made the concert fun, too, was the atmosphere. Jump fans are friendly. Govies are lovely. MA people are chill and great. Hanging with Jill and Brett and Brad on the way down was fun. Even though my back hurt from carrying my purse all day and I had to lean on Randy and Zack and feel like a Grandma when I kept having to sit down, it was still fun. The music was just as good when I couldn't see it. I wasn't tired, though I'd been up for a while and school had exhausted me, I was just happy. I wasn't overanalyzing anything or thinking about the future or about the past, I was living in the moment.
I'm gushing about things and you guys are probably bored and probably stopped reading and aren't even reading this right now, but I just had to express my happiness. Other events that went on this weekend included my trip to Carolina. In short, it was a good immersion process- I got to get a small taste of what next year will be like and I liked it. I saw a random Cheerio friend (Lucy Page) in the class I visited, and hung out with Seg and Frances, and talked to some students and a professor about the academic part. It was a good experience. A college day well spent. There was also a Slushie and Sugar Glyder concert on Saturday, which I attended after earning $17 at a babysitting job. It rocked. I purchased new shirts from both bands. The new Slushie song is quite good.
Sorry. This post was too long. I need to post more regularly so I don't mush it all into one hard-to-digest post. But, yeah. So this weekend was good. Life is good, albeit busy.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
numba one spot
My work has paid off. I am officially making a speech at the 2005 MAHS graduation as the Valedictorian. No longer will I have to worry if I made a 95.5 or a 95.45 and how much of an impact it would have on my standings. No longer will I have to totally freak out when I have a bad grade. Whether it was because of APMT or not, I have retained my number one status all throughout my high school career, and it is something of which I am proud. Now I have to worry about making my speech terse and entertaining and memorable. I'll worry about that after AP exams. I'll get input from everybody and try to make it the best I can. Who knows how it'll be. Only time will tell. Haha, I'll get really far if I use cliches like that in my speech. ell oh ell.
Any ideas?
Any ideas?
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
separation anxiety.
where is my brother willy?
i miss mi coche billy.
will took my car,
and went very far-
now doesn't that seem kinda silly?
i miss mi coche billy.
will took my car,
and went very far-
now doesn't that seem kinda silly?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
internal conflict.
My feelings are all over the place these days. All of them are strange and they're all mixed together. The good ones overwhelm my body and then the bad ones come and try to take over but then I remind myself of the good ones again. It all equals out to a really interesting balance. I don't have just one thing sucking in all of my energy, it's equally balanced between two or three or four extremes. Nothing requires immediate action or all of my attention, so it is easy to separate out my time. I have more schoolwork, but I allow myself more time to do it. I have to crack down on my piano playing for recital, but I just practice. I like watching some TV every once in a while, and so I set aside time to do it. I dunno. It feels nice.
The warm weather helps a lot too. Not the hot stuff, or the cold stuff. Just the springy warm stuff. It's fun.
The warm weather helps a lot too. Not the hot stuff, or the cold stuff. Just the springy warm stuff. It's fun.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
playgrounds are funnn
Folks: Yesterday, I made history. For the first time in my life, I did a pullover on the pullup bar! It was crazzyyyy. Back in Elementary school (when it was still called Elementary school), I'd always have to get people to push me over and/or spot me. Not tonight, guys. I did it all by my lonesome, with my own muscles! It pumped me up so much.
So, yeah. Instead of YL, we played on the playground at J. J. Jones. It was tons of fun, especially bringing back all the old memories. It's weird how a place can do that to you. I remembered lining up on the slide. And then it reminded me of how I pictured the slide in "The Giver" as the one on our playground. I guess that's another blog to write about- how I picture things in books from my own memories and stuff.
I like swinging and taking pictures. Though it's hard to take pictures while people are swinging, I like doing that, too.
This blog should've been better. But it wasn't. I'm sorry. I've let you down.
Haha, "you." I never picture my audience whilst writing these posts. I feel like it ruins my integrity or something. I have a "blogger" person in my head that I write to. Like another facet of my personality.
I'm weirding myself out. I'm too scatterbrained. I need to go read some Faulkner.
So, yeah. Instead of YL, we played on the playground at J. J. Jones. It was tons of fun, especially bringing back all the old memories. It's weird how a place can do that to you. I remembered lining up on the slide. And then it reminded me of how I pictured the slide in "The Giver" as the one on our playground. I guess that's another blog to write about- how I picture things in books from my own memories and stuff.
I like swinging and taking pictures. Though it's hard to take pictures while people are swinging, I like doing that, too.
This blog should've been better. But it wasn't. I'm sorry. I've let you down.
Haha, "you." I never picture my audience whilst writing these posts. I feel like it ruins my integrity or something. I have a "blogger" person in my head that I write to. Like another facet of my personality.
I'm weirding myself out. I'm too scatterbrained. I need to go read some Faulkner.
Monday, April 04, 2005
lucky me!
Best thing ever happened today.
Let's start from the beginning.
Saturday night, I babysat. In the midst of a windstorm the likes of which hasn't been seen in any place I've been at any time in my life. Typically, when I get my money, I quickly stuff it in my pocket or purse or in my pants somehow. Quickly, so I don't get embarassed-- under the table dealings and all. That night was no exception. The only abnormal part in my departure was my trek across their lawn to retrieve my sweatshirt that was still in the house. It was a hasty trek, so the loss of my money was somewhat inevitable. I didn't realize that my money was not there until a thorough search of my (quite messy) car. I immediately did what any self-respecting, somewhat poor high school girl would do-- I took my sister's car back over there to sneak around their lawn to see if my money was there. When I thought I'd lost the money forever and it must be somewhere in my car, I went back home and searched the Corolla once again, to no avail. I then took Kate's car back to their house because I thought I'd look again and maybe it would be easier this time. I think at this point, I was somewhat crazy. Once again, my search was futile. And the dog started barking. I gave up and sunk into fits of despair over the loss of potential music (that I could've bought with the moolah). After telling people of my misfortune and lamenting over how much I wanted to punch the wind in AP Bio, I gave up most of my hope.
Most is the key word in this sentence. While on my way back from purchasing gas in Cana at a rate 13 whole cents cheaper than North Carolina prices, I decided to stop by the house and just check to see if it might be somewhere. I noticed a hill, the height of which did not allow for the dispersal of my money to the great beyond. I saw other trash in its slopes and I got my hopes up, since the wind was blowing in the direction of the slope on Saturday night. But a suspicious man in a white SUV was looking very dubiously at me in my car, so I decided that I might as well give up. Mom offered to go back with me and stand guard against the skeptical parents, so I thought "What the eitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks... I'm going." And we did. I looked around the house first, because the money might have been stuck in a nook and/or cranny that my eyes previously skimmed over. When nothing was there, I moved to the hill. Mom was doubtful-- suggesting that a construction worker (since the house is in a new development, there are houses under construction) would certainly pick up any money lying around. I was beginning to finally lose all hope when, there it was-- poking out from the twigs of a shrub about 10 feet up on the hill-- my precious twenty dollar bill. With a shout of glee and giggles of joy, I informed my mother. She couldn't believe it. The chances were so slim! The only thing to do was look for the ten and five that I suspected would be nearby. Mom spotted the ten, lying in a puddle. Oh the glorious luck! Upon picking up the ten, my eyes wandered to another puddle, and what else could it be but the five. The set was complete!
I was overcome by a feeling of immense joy and I couldn't stop laughing for a while. I mean, what are the chances. Seriously. After two days, even! So, not only am I $35 richer, but one of my crazy shennanigans actually worked out! They usually don't. My hopes are usually dashed and I just go on living. My creepiness was rewarded. If that were a gated community, I'm sure I would've been arrested. Or at least forced to explain myself.
Go Heels!
Let's start from the beginning.
Saturday night, I babysat. In the midst of a windstorm the likes of which hasn't been seen in any place I've been at any time in my life. Typically, when I get my money, I quickly stuff it in my pocket or purse or in my pants somehow. Quickly, so I don't get embarassed-- under the table dealings and all. That night was no exception. The only abnormal part in my departure was my trek across their lawn to retrieve my sweatshirt that was still in the house. It was a hasty trek, so the loss of my money was somewhat inevitable. I didn't realize that my money was not there until a thorough search of my (quite messy) car. I immediately did what any self-respecting, somewhat poor high school girl would do-- I took my sister's car back over there to sneak around their lawn to see if my money was there. When I thought I'd lost the money forever and it must be somewhere in my car, I went back home and searched the Corolla once again, to no avail. I then took Kate's car back to their house because I thought I'd look again and maybe it would be easier this time. I think at this point, I was somewhat crazy. Once again, my search was futile. And the dog started barking. I gave up and sunk into fits of despair over the loss of potential music (that I could've bought with the moolah). After telling people of my misfortune and lamenting over how much I wanted to punch the wind in AP Bio, I gave up most of my hope.
Most is the key word in this sentence. While on my way back from purchasing gas in Cana at a rate 13 whole cents cheaper than North Carolina prices, I decided to stop by the house and just check to see if it might be somewhere. I noticed a hill, the height of which did not allow for the dispersal of my money to the great beyond. I saw other trash in its slopes and I got my hopes up, since the wind was blowing in the direction of the slope on Saturday night. But a suspicious man in a white SUV was looking very dubiously at me in my car, so I decided that I might as well give up. Mom offered to go back with me and stand guard against the skeptical parents, so I thought "What the eitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks... I'm going." And we did. I looked around the house first, because the money might have been stuck in a nook and/or cranny that my eyes previously skimmed over. When nothing was there, I moved to the hill. Mom was doubtful-- suggesting that a construction worker (since the house is in a new development, there are houses under construction) would certainly pick up any money lying around. I was beginning to finally lose all hope when, there it was-- poking out from the twigs of a shrub about 10 feet up on the hill-- my precious twenty dollar bill. With a shout of glee and giggles of joy, I informed my mother. She couldn't believe it. The chances were so slim! The only thing to do was look for the ten and five that I suspected would be nearby. Mom spotted the ten, lying in a puddle. Oh the glorious luck! Upon picking up the ten, my eyes wandered to another puddle, and what else could it be but the five. The set was complete!
I was overcome by a feeling of immense joy and I couldn't stop laughing for a while. I mean, what are the chances. Seriously. After two days, even! So, not only am I $35 richer, but one of my crazy shennanigans actually worked out! They usually don't. My hopes are usually dashed and I just go on living. My creepiness was rewarded. If that were a gated community, I'm sure I would've been arrested. Or at least forced to explain myself.
Go Heels!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Sea of Faces
by Kutless
I see the city lights all around me
Everyone's obscure
Ten million people each with their problems
Why should anyone care?
And in your eyes I can see...
I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine
Sometimes my life it feels so trivial
Immersed in the greatness of space
Yet somehow You still find the time for me
It's then You show me Your love
And in your eyes I can see...
And in your arms I will be...
I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine
If only my one heart
Was all You'd gain from all it cost
Well I know You would have
Still been a man with a reason
To willingly offer your life
I am not just a man vastly lost in this world
Lost in a sea of faces
Your body's the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine
Just one in a million faces
Saturday, April 02, 2005
today.
When the sun shines in my window on these sunny- yet alarmingly cold- days, I am left to lie on my bed and ponder the meaning of life. I lie on my back looking up at my artificial night sky- remnants of my childhood obsession with things that glowed- that independently added enchantment to my seemingly boring, popcorn ceiling. My thoughts wander from the superficial to the ridiculously philosophical to the meaningless to the abstract. And then I am awakened sharply by the call of nature- my bodily systems and responsibilities bring me back to earth. I enjoy Saturdays like these. No responsibilities loom over my head because, for the first time in a long while, I know I will have the dedication to finish them all on time without any stress. And, despite events that loom over my head, I'm okay. I'm sitting here, pondering things, and I am okay. I'm confident in who I am and where I am going. I wander around the house in a state of content, bittersweet resignment. I tickle the ivories in a sort of detatched way- my fingers are moving and the notes are there and I can hear them but my thoughts are other places. I watch movies but don't have enough energy to invest myself in other people's lives, so I drift off into a restful nap. I wake up on my own time, rested and still in that lovely foggy state of mind that usually follows waking up. Tears of change lace my eyelids throughout the day, occasionally dropping in response to the knowing glance of my sweet, intuitive mother. Mostly, they stay at the edge, held in by the knowledge that they will soon not be needed. I walk barefoot out on the cold driveway, small signs of spring being crushed under my footsteps as I walk to check the post. What is in the mailbox? Nothing. But it's not a depressed nothing- it's the thoughtful kind of nothing. The kind that makes me look down the road at the beauty that lies past its tree-lined curves and sudden surprises. I look on and sigh. Future. What a silly thing to worry about. Today. That's all there is. My life is full of todays.
As my future draws near, and as my life begins to take shape, my mind starts acting in weird ways. I start getting an itch to be free of all restraints. I want my future to be here right now! I knew it would happen to me, because it's happened on a small scale throughout my life, but I think I've built up too many idealistic thoughts of what my life is going to be like and I bet there will be many disappointments if I try to keep to that path. But, then I start thinking that life would not be much fun if I had low aspirations. Isn't the whole point of having a youth all about reaching for lofty goals? I think so. Anyway. So I start wanting to spend as much of my youth discovering many nooks and crannies of life and the world before I have to settle down. And it's not like I have to settle down if I don't want to, but I think that's what I want to do once I've figured out enough of what life is all about that I can share it with someone and then teach my kids some of what I've learned. I don't want to follow the typical path that everyone takes without figuring things out on my own. Establishing myself somewhere, in something, so that I can be independent if I need to. I don't want to be driving my kids to soccer or something all the time before I've spent some time bonding with the world and seeing things from a different perspective. I feel like a lot of people just follow the rules and then get to the middle of their lives and realize that they wanted something more before they trapped themselves in.
For me, experiences are so much richer when I can just be caught up in experiencing them with no other cares. I don't think about savoring it, and I don't obsess over a trivial thing that I would regret later, when looking back on it. The best experiences are those which, of course, are wholly experienced in the moment.
Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Life is confusing.
For me, experiences are so much richer when I can just be caught up in experiencing them with no other cares. I don't think about savoring it, and I don't obsess over a trivial thing that I would regret later, when looking back on it. The best experiences are those which, of course, are wholly experienced in the moment.
Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Life is confusing.