Darn you, mother nature! You and your fickle weather systems. You have officially ruined my life. Thanks. Everyone said it would be a rough winter- all the signs pointed to it! Those stupid fuzzy caterpillars, the dang farmers almanac, the thunderstorms after Dec. 21st or whatever, and all that stuff. So I was looking forward to at least one day of school off for big snows. But no. What did you do? You decided to come on weekends. So we have to cancel swim meets and move them to dates that coencide with Sister Hazel concerts. So we are stuck in side all weekend with no social life (those of us without 4-wheel-drive) and then forced to go to school for an entire, uninterrupted week. Thanks to you, I haven't hung out with any of my friends in like forever. I just sit at home and mope. And do lazy things and put off my homework until the night before a 2-hour delay. You did it to spite me. California even got snow. California! When I was there, the most I could hope for was some hail. Now you tease us with the fluffy goodness and get our hopes up for at least one day- one lousy day- off of school. But no. This is why I hate winter. Too many dissapointments. Too much cold. All for nothing. I just want it to be spring already. I have a life in spring. Spring is warm. I get more done. In the winter, all I do is put off studying for Bio tests until it's too late and then I end up doing badly on them. I have like no motivation anymore. If I start my weekend off by doing nothing, it sets a bad tone for the whole weekend. All thanks to you, lately. I didn't even play in the snow this time, did you know that? Because I don't have a sled and it started snowing in the morning. I only sled when I wake up with snow on the ground. Otherwise, I just start watching movies and then I can't stop. Uggh. I am officially disgruntled.

But really, I am mad at myself. I haven't been living up to my potential in Biology. I could be doing better than I am, if I would actually crack down and study for two nights. I had good motivation before my Duke interview on Thursday night, but then I cought some major senioritis afterwards, and I couldn't study for the life of me. I just blew it off again. But I'm proud of myself that I have enough integrity to show up to class and not skip it so I could have a whole weekend to study. I will do better on the next one- I swear. Swimming season is practically over, which is bittersweet. It's sad that I won't be swimming with a team anymore, but this year it hasn't really felt like a team. Not since those seniors left. I mean, those kids were fun. This year, it's just kind of like whatever. But yeah. Now that it's over, I will have more time after school so I can dedicate it to studying if I feel like it. I can also finish my homework earlier and go places like basketball games (or I guess baseball games in the spring) and band practices that I seem to always miss these days. I have motivation in all of my other classes, I just think now that I'm realizing that I'm not going to major in biology and that I don't really like it at all, I don't want to study for it. When the teacher doesn't seem to have a passion, that also takes away from some of what I'm feeling, I guess. But there's really no excuses. I'm just starting to feel lazy. I need to kick myself into gear. Next weekend is states, which will be really fun, and then lifeguarding class starts, which will also be fun (I hope) and then I'll have no commitments after school. And the days will start getting longer. I hate how it's always dark outside when I'm doing homework and stuff.

The real reason I'm mad at snow is because I now have to write that English paper instead of hanging out with anyone. Uggh. Geez it feels good to blog. Sometimes I miss writing these big ones. I like getting all my feelings out on here. It's quite theraputic.

I'm off to practice piano and write a paper on Point of View. Sayonara, amigos.

Today it snowed! But I didn't play in it. Is that weird? I didn't have anyone to play with. And when I don't have fun people to play with, I can't take my mind off of the coldness and the boringness. So I stayed inside and did nothing of any consequence. Just general lazying around. At least I got something done- I cleaned my room! I'm glad that it's clean.

Yesterday was the conference championship for swimming. We won! Both boys and girls! It was a really long meet- we left for it at 3:30 and I got home at 11:00. Crazy. I'm glad I sold my Sister Hazel tickets beforehand, because there was no way I could have made it to the show. And plus, I was really tired. It was weird- because I got really weirdly dizzy and crampy after I got out from swimming my 500. I think I went out too fast, but at least I dropped some time. I got over the weirdness during the boys heats of the 500 and after the 10 minute break, I was ready to swim the relay. And then later I swam the 100 breast and went a pretty decent time. I'm really looking forward to states next week.

Lately I don't have a life. I have to do swimming and school work on week days and then I either have swimming or it snows on weekends. What's up with that? I never hang out with anybody anymore. Swim practice will be over this week, so that's good. At least I'll have more time to do things. I don't even have time to update this blog very often. By the time I think of a good idea, I've lost it and I've wasted my time so I can't dedicate it to really writing down my thoughts. It's weird. But I think I'll get over it. I hope I'll get over it. Hmm.

I got into Carolina! Now at least I know I'm going somewhere... haha. That makes me feel a lot better. Now I just have to wait for April to hear about everywhere else. Fun times.

keep me guessing please

I got the Straylight Run CD today and I love it a lot. I was just listening to "The Tension and The Terror" and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness and contentment. I just finished watching Garden State. I bought that, too. It's a good purchase. I just feel happy right now.

geeeez. Allergies suck. I don't have them until the random occasion that I cuddle with my extremely fat cat, Pooky. Then I am subject to major allergy problems. My nose is running like a faucet and I'm sneezing a lot and my eyes are watering and my legs are itching. But I think my legs are itching because of swimming and the fact that I haven't shaved them since September 4th. That would probably be a good explanation. I know, it's gross, but it's all in the name of the swim team. I'm a state qualifier again, I just thought I'd go out with a bang. I have to leave a legend, you know. Future girls will remember me as the one who never shaved her legs. And the girl who shaved her arms and survived afterwards. Every girl seems to have a phobia of shaving her arms. "It will grow back darker!!!" No, it won't. I've done it three times. It didn't. Proof! Oh, me.

I haven't had a good emotionally expressive post in a while. I used to do those all the time. Perhaps it was my only outlet. These days, it's not my only outlet of problems and stuff. Instead of trying to state them ambiguously on here, I can directly state them to Tillman. It's a cool thing, I like having someone to talk to. But I also like blogging. I like the long narrative version sometimes, so I can get all of my thoughts out all at once instead of having to do it in a conversational form.

I enjoy writing. Sometimes when I think about having a career in creative writing or something, I think that it may be hard. So I don't really want to have that be my whole living, though I'd like to do it on the side. Will encouraged me to write poetry or stories or something when I feel like it, and I think it's something I will work on. Who knows? I bet I could have some fun with it. But speaking of career opportunities, I'm really excited about working with environmental sciences of some kind. I think I might even get a PhD someday... you never know. If I'm feeling up to the challenge. That would be crazy. Perhaps I don't want to devote my life to studying. But, then again, what else am I going to devote it to if not something I love? That's my philosophy. I'm looking forward to being in a career that doesn't involve offices and stuff. I like the thought of being outside a lot of the time. It would be fun. And now I'm still even more unsure of where I want to attend college. I got a brochure for the environmental programs at UNC-CH, and it was funny. All the kids in the pictures looked so hippie to me, and I loved it.

So, yeah. I miss not updating as much in my blogger. I love it when I do.

pucker up! super sour powder!

It is not a good idea to go to the grocery store after swim practice when you are hungry. Or probably when you are hungry at all, forget swim practice. I was waltzing the aisles of our fair Lowes Foods with Charlotte as she commenced with the ritual pre-Ski-trip grocery trip. I think my mouth was literally watering. I looked at the cookies and got really jealous. I looked at the chips and got more jealous. I looked at the beef jerkey and almost couldn't contain myself. Apparently, beef jerky is my new obsession. Because I find myself craving it whenever it is in my presence. And not that silly slim jim stuff, but the natural style stuff. The stuff that makes you look like a carnivore whilst eating it. The good stuff. I got some of that in Ohio at the Amish market. I loved it. And one time I had some while babysitting, but I didn't want to eat it all because there's not a lot in the bags and I didn't want to look like a total pig. But, yeah. I saw some of that at Lowes and it looked goooood. So I ended up buying some BBQ Pringles and some Trolli Brite Crawlers because I really wanted them. And the brite crawlers came with a pack full of just that sugary-sour stuff- MY FAVORITE!!!!!!! Talk about major sugar rush. Craaazzzy sugar rush. That's why this post is crazy and sugar-rushed.

But, yeah. I think I'm going to have fun when I get to shop for groceries for myself when I grow older and more independant. Definitely.

I need sleep. Daily show is coming on! I want a 2 hour delay for tomorrow! Aaahhhh.

domain bites!!

If I could be someone other than myself for a day, I think that it would be my calculus teacher. For those of you don't know her, I'll elaborate so you'll know what you're missing out on. Because it's a lot.

An avid kayaker, she knows how to keep on going when the going gets tough. For instance, when a member of her Algebra II class decides to fall asleep, she'll smoothly execute a wake-up procedure and continue as if nothing ever happened. Plus, the fact alone that she's a kayaker. How cool is that?! It's my fervent belief that while paddling down the river, she mathematically computes the shapes her bruises will take during the trip. She's good like that.

There aren't many people as consistently happy and upbeat as my calculus teacher. She's happiest while doing math, but she's always got a smile on her face. Oh, what I'd give to be that content. She can't seem to lose her good mood like a heathen can't let go of a grudge. She's never had a good reason to lose her good temper in my class, but she assures us that she's the cool, calm type, and I believe her.

She grades the AP Calculus tests for the College Board! That's a good reason on it's own. This pushes her past the normal requirements of being an awesome teacher. Because of this, she knows exactly what she has to teach, and how to focus her methods. It's like she knows exactly what to tell us to help us understand not just how to find answers but how to form our responses, a major plus in AP courses. It's hard to describe how cool she is. It's like she's so cool, nobody even knows she's cool.

Finally, she holds Karl Bretz in high respect.

One person I would not like to be for a day is a student taking that silly biology class. Oh, I mean, uh, nevermind.

girls that smell like chlorine and long haired boys.

Live music is an interesting thing. When I hear people live, I love the energy. Even if I don't usually listen to that kind of music, I am drawn in by their stage presence. Today, Bill Mallonee came to play for us at youth. He's an amazing songwriter, he's written somewhere between 700 and 800 songs. He said that when he hasn't written a song in about a week, he gets nervous that he's lost his touch. I comforted him by letting him know that I haven't written a song in about a week. When he asked if I was a songwriter, I told him that I actually haven't written a song in about 17 years. That got a chuckle. He then told me that it was time to break the habit or something. We'll see about that. I asked him how he goes about writing songs, and if it was hard. I was very impressed with his answer. He got really into it. He told me about how he used to write in a very linear way at first, but he likes Bob Dylan and the way he piles words on top of each other, like a collage. It was cool. I really liked the way he sounded when he sang. He had a very solid voice. And he could play harmonica really well. I was impressed. He was a cool guy.

It just got me to thinking about how much more I've started listening to live music this year, compared to all the other years of my life combined. It's so cool. I used to not know how to conduct myself when listening to people play, but now I know the fine line between taking pictures and remembering what they play and watching their expressions and listening to the words... it's a skill- being a listener/observer of live music.

Music has such an affect on me these days. It's weird. It enforces my moods and adds a richness to the every day experiences. Lately I've constantly had songs stuck in my head. I'll just start singing the choruses. And I have enough choruses floating around in my brain that I can pull one out and start singing it and then move on to another one when I tire of it. It's really fun. I was singing "Freakish" by Saves the Day all yesterday, even at Ziggy's. I was talking to Preston and Christian and some girl and I just started singing the chorus and she was like "I think I know this song, keep singing it!" And then later I started singing another random song, probably something by the Old 97's. It was funny.

I was thinking, I wonder what it is like listening to CD bands live. Because I know what it's like listening to live bands on CD. And I wonder if it reverses for CD bands. Maybe you don't know what "CD" and "live bands" are in my mind. A CD band is one for which I developed my taste by listening to their CD. Relient K and Switchfoot are two that come to mind. A live band (or live person) is one for which I developed my taste by seeing them live. Copeland, Jerry Chapman, this Bill Mallonee guy, pretty much anyone I've seen in concert. The live versions of "live bands" are so much better than their CDs, like you can see a much wider range of their talents. The CD is merely a snapshot of the whole landscape of their talent. If such is the case for Relient K, I don't know if my senses could handle seeing them live all the time. Because that means that I've only seen a glimpse of their awesomeness. Same for Switchfoot. I think I need to see those kids in concert. But I don't like huge concerts. I like small ones. Intimate ones. Even seeing someone Live on VH1 is better than seeing them in a huge place, to me.

Well, anyway. I'm going to go listen to some good music.

some of my buses

Lately, my life has been too busy for introspection and overanalyzation. My thoughts aren't that deep. I think it's because I'm not getting enough sleep. The sacrifice for my active mind is remembering my dreams. I wake up at the part in my REM cycle that is right at the end of my dreams. I end up being able to get up faster, because I think about what I was dreaming about so I can remember it. I have some crazy dreams, let me tell you. I had one the other day in which main street Mount Airy was in Hickory and it was flooded by a river of diamonds and other jewels. It was muy interesante.

I can't type a lot now. I need to study for Calculus and do English HW and practice piano and stuff.

onomatopoeia

I've become slightly addicted to cutting my bangs recently. Not too adicted, but seeing as how I've cut them the past three consecutive days, some people might worry. I just had to trim them because they were getting way too long, so I did. And then they looked weird, so I cut them a little more. And then I was annoyed with them today so I cut them even more. I think they look decent now... decent enough to live with them until I get a real hair appointment or until I learn how to cut hair. I'm not that bad, but I think it would help if I had better scissors. I'm using those handheld ones that you can get at Wal*Mart- the ones with the grips. Perhaps you know of which I speak. They aren't very good for precision. But they are good for cutting things out of construction paper for posters. I should know- I love making posters. But I'm getting off topic. As always.

I enjoy writing. I really like writing when I know exactly what I'm going to write about and I have a pretty good amount of time in which to write. I'm looking forward to possibly exploring a creative writing class in college. I think it would be very fun and interesting and challenging.

I've become slightly addicted to 24 again. But I don't want to be. I just got sucked in to the 2-hour premeire. It's a very intense show. I just don't know if I can handle the intensity. And the time slot. I'm just not in the mood to watch one hour shows anymore. Except ones like Gilmore Girls. That one has a good time slot. Time slot is everything. Joan of Arcadia: flippin awesome show, ridiculously inconvenient time slot.

I wanted to write a good, coherent post because I had extra time tonight. But it doesn't look like that's going to be accomplished. My brain is thinking in little bits or something. Perhaps it's the craziness of 24 coming from the other room. Perhaps it's something else. Who knows.

I'll be better later, I swear. Sorry to let you down.

The swim team is hardcore. That's all there is to it. We swam in 59 degree water. And then we came back the next day- a Saturday- and swam in 69 degree water. That's crazy.

While everyone was fearing hypothermia and other sicknesses, my mom was telling us we had to do it and I was trying to be really upbeat and positive. I kept saying things like "think of all the stories we can tell!" and "how hardcore are we?!!" We had to convince everyone that they wouldn't die. Even though some people didn't believe us.

So we were supposed to do 10 laps, but some people just did like two and then hyperventilated/freaked out so mom let them get out and start drylands. I did all 10. Mostly backstroke, so I wouldn't have to put my face in the water. I am so freaking sore from drylands. We did the pushup-squat-jump thing like way back when and some crunches and then we powerwalked 20 laps around the pool. I was a crazy walker. I kept saying things like "it's all in the hips!" as I was passing everybody like four times. Now my feet hurt because I didn't have shoes on. More than that, my muscles hurt from all the drylands. My quads and abs are killing me, and the only way to make it better is to do more. So I'll randomly do squats to make myself feel better.

So, yeah. I'm proud of the swimmers. Well, at least some of them. Others of them were just being crazy. I kept trying to tell them it's all mental, but they wouldn't hear anything of it. They can go on thinking that my mom is insane, but seriously. As I said in practice, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Haha. I was full of clichès yesterday.

jane is a kid i babysit for. just so you guys know.

take it away, jane...

hey how do you like the smileys? emmas siting on me and i'm bored and i might be flat when my parents get here but she needs to get off no mater how hard i try she WON'T GET OFF!!!!!!

and so it begins.

i had a good post about earth science and how i got to use counselor handwriting and about how i'm one of two seniors in the class, and how being in KBs old room reminded me of good ol' KB. and then i went on to talk about the memories of the Bretz.

but the internet messed up again. so i lost it. again.

maybe i'll find it. but probably not.

whatever.

later days!

oh yeah, and thank the lord for mozilla firefox. i've fully converted to the other side, leaving internet explorer in the dust.

adieu, lazy days.

Today is my last day of laziness before the semester starts. I finished the LOTF sheet last night. There is a very satisfying sense of completion that comes with finishing those sheets for Goldie. Something about seeing so much of my handwriting all at once all compacted like it is. It's hard to explain. So now I can enjoy this last day in peace. I'm actually ready. This upcoming school year has a lot in store. Bullet time!

• Being accepted to college
• Senior Trip (i've never been to Disney World before. hard to believe, i know)
• Spring Break
• Prom (ridiculously early, like april 1st or something... weird)
• AP Exams (i think i have to take four. yucky.)
• Graduation!! (if this 93 didn't affect my standings too much, then I have to start preparing myself for a possible speech...)

So, yeah. I'm excited about all of those things. And then summer comes along, with Cheerio (!!) and Hawaii with my dad's side of the family, and then college. Whoa. 2005 pumps me up a lot. So, yeah. A little late on this post, probably, and this post was a little bit stolen from shmimmy, but what can you do. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. haha.

I am getting rather mad at the internet because it is not letting me get to the gmail page. All I want is to be able to check my email. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

School is going to start soon. That means I really need to do this Lord of the Flies sheet that I've been putting off. It also means that I will soon be stressed out, but it's not that bad. I'm not that worried.

I just can't think of anything to write about.

Sorry.

I have really great jewelry. I probably have the coolest jewelry of anyone you know. I purchased four pairs of earrings today, adding to my eclectic collection of earwear. It was buy two get one free at Claires, so I found three that I really liked. Then I saw a pair that I really liked but that wasn't a part of the deal, but I just had to have them. So I ended up with three dangly pairs and one pair of "pearl" earrings. Two of the danglies are similar, but still charmingly unique. The other dangly pair is green and goes well with my hair. My mom came back from England and gave me a necklace with all kinds of cool buttons on it, adding to my really cool jewelry collection. It was from accessorize, my favorite store in the entire world. Mostly because I have gotten so many high quality accessories there. Like three of my really cool purses are from there. Ok, I take my topic sentence back. I have really great accessories. Because accessories includes my purses, which freaking rock. I remember thinking last year that I wanted to develop my style to have really cool purses and stuff but I wanted to do it all at once. Little did I know, it was a gradual process. Now I have a lot of the cool things. And my collection is still growing. I like the way my style is shaping up. Oh yeah, and I have pretty cool scarves too. I've inadvertently started a scarf collection or something. It's cool.

While on my shopping spree with Jill, we once again realized how we communicate with a special language. Ok, it's not really a language. But we imply so much in our body language and inflection that other people would be left utterly confused and baffled after hearing some things we say. But we understand each other perfectly well. A lot lies in intuition I think. For example. I will say something like this: "I mean, I like this CD but sometimes I don't really like it, you know? Like I like it but then I listen to it too much and then I don't really like it but I still like it deep down. Just not at the surface." And Jill will be like "Yeah, I know what you mean." Today, for another example, Jill said: "These earrings are almost eclectic and cool but they are shiny. You know?" And I knew exactly what she meant. The problem with this unique way of communicating arises when Jill or I am talking to someone else in this manner. They get lost and don't understand what we are trying to say. So it takes more words that take away from the real meaning. Which is why I need to expand my vocabulary; I fell like I don't know enough of the right words to make people fully get my meaning. It's as if I can't effectively trap my thoughts and feelings into my limited vocabulary. So I'm stuck looking like a flake. Or something. But in a good way, I hope.

The thing about my blog is that it keeps me writing. It keeps me expressing. The channels of my brain are kept flowing smoothly because I can just write and write and write on here. It's very theraputic.

School starts soon. But I'm ready. Bring it on.

won't you be my neighbor?

I love the feeling I get after reading a book for a long time all at once. The little things take on more meaning. My life is temporarily not my life; I am living what the author wants me to live. I am temporarily out of my body. I can look at my life from a distance. My brain is full of this new experience and new knowledge and I have to let it all sink in. I have a headache, but a good one. My brain is busy sorting out all the new emotions stirred up by the book. I start thinking in the style of the author. I look at my life through the language and diction that the author might have if he was looking in on my situations. For a few moments, my life seems smaller- in a good way. Today in particular, I related to the author on a personal level. I understood his frustration in trying to pin down the enormity of his emotions into finite words. He captured the feeling I face so well. When I just resort to saying "this doesn't really make sense, but whatever." But this author did a good job of making it clear that his words were merely the best he could do- he still kept the idea that there was more to his words than what was there on the surface. I found myself loving the fact that sometimes you can't write it all down. You merely write down what you can and leave it to the reader to bring it in with them and make it personal. Now the reader brings in his or her emotions so that the words are so much more than letters on a page. They are thought and emotion and experience.

Today was a gorgeous way to start off the new year. Though irregular and unexpected, it was warm and springy. I went outside and read in the most ideal position ever- on the hammock. I could sit and breathe in the fresh, warm air and listen to the sounds of nature. I wasn't under any stress due to deadlines or monotony or anything mundane. It was just me. Reading. Not wasting my day away with the internet or television. It was me sitting in the natural sunlight, wishing with all of my body that it was really spring, but knowing deep inside that I will be rudely awakened to the harsh reality sometime in the near future. It was me walking outside barefoot on the first day of the year. My day consisted of knitting and reading and reflecting (and a few episodes of I <3 the 90's). What an ideal day. Aaand, I finished a school assignment. Talk about a load off my back.

This year has gotten off to a good start. I miss reading. Today was a good break from the regularity. I'm trying to wean myself from the computer. It was a little hard but I'm proud of myself. Now I'm going to go to bed early because I can.

Happy new year!

new year's resolutions, anyone?

1. Embrace change.
2. Stop and smell the flowers.
3. Let it be.
4. Overanalyze less.
5. Be joyful.
6. Have fun.